Page 83 of Sins of the Flesh
I gasp “I-I didn't…” He opens his mouth letting out an ear piercing scream as his cheeks cave in and his eyes sink into his skull.His face is still inches from mine and frozen in a silent scream, I reach up to touch him and he disintegrates as soon as my palm connects.
I sit bolt upright in my bed gasping for air, sweat trickling down my forehead.The nightmare has shaken me straight to my core.I look at the clock on my nightstand, 7am.I rush to my front door and get into my car.I don't know if I even shut the front door and right now I don't care, I just need proof that he’s okay.
Staying at a reasonable speed is next to impossible but I know if I got pulled over smelling like I slept in a vat of alcohol while driving I wouldn't make it to Cole.I pull up across the street and a few houses down searching for signs of life at Cole’s house.I know I can't go near him, I’d surely get arrested and if Charlotte found out who knows what would happen.So I wait.
About an hour later Mrs.Abbot steps outside and I watch as she walks next door and is let in by their neighbor Rodney.I keep watching.“C’mon Cole grab something out of your truck, anything please, I need to know you're okay.”I whisper quietly to myself.Twenty minutes later the front door opens and the breath is nearly knocked out of me.Not only is he fine, he is painfully beautiful dressed in a T-shirt and sweats, he opens his truck then closes it and walks back into the house.
The sharp ache in my chest begins its symphony of torture but today I already know will be much worse.Because hurting over memories is one thing but actually seeing him and knowing he will never be mine again is on a whole other level.
Later that afternoon I have my arms crossed over my desk with my head resting in them.Thankfully all the work in the church is done and the contractors have gone.It's a tiny respite.But seeing Cole this morning plays behind my closed eyelids like a painful slideshow.
A knock makes me lift my head to find Charlotte standing in the doorway.Her usual neatly pressed black pencil skirt and red silk blouse compliment her frame and are in contrast to the look of anger, or is it annoyance, on her face?
“Good afternoon Caleb.”She greets, I just grunt.“Is there anything we need to talk about?”She asks and I shake my head as a throb starts to thrum behind my eyes.She huffs getting close to the desk.“Caleb, what is wrong with you sit up.”She commands and I oblige pinching the bridge of my nose.
“What is this all about Charlotte?”I sigh.
She leans forward placing both her palms on my desk.“I am going to give you one chance to come clean.”
“About what?I didn't do-” Charlotte cuts me off and what she says sends an ice cold chill down my spine.
“I know you went by his house Caleb.”Her voice is a low warning.
“Charlotte I…” I trail off what can I say?
“Caleb, when I said no contact that included you staying away from him.”She scowls.
“It won't happen again, I promise.”I rush hoping I didn’t just fuck everything again.
“See that it doesn't.”She warns.“We are holding a grand reopening of the church tomorrow in front of the newspaper.I expect you to be shaven and dress the part.Do I make myself clear?”I nod in defeat.I'm her puppet now but I’ll play my part to keep him safe.
The next day as Charlotte requested, I am shaven and dressed in my Sunday best.We stand at the steps as Charlotte drones on about something but I don't really care.I smile and nod each time she looks at me during her speech and clap when she cuts the ribbon with the giant scissors and even smile when she leans in to kiss my cheek right as a photographer snaps our picture.
“Now that wasn't so hard was it?”She whispers in my ear and I shudder.
Later I am finally alone staring at my phone through drunken blurry eyes as Cole’s smiling picture stares back at me.My beautiful fucking nightmare.I scroll to his contact, staring at it.“One more time and I'll let him go,” I mumble out loud.Just one more time.
The voicemail is pain poured into a cup and handed like a sick gift to the poor soul on the other end.Cole is on the other end.Does he miss me?Does he care?Fuck it, he probably won’t even listen to the damn thing.He hates me.
Forty-Eight
Cole
i hate you, i love you - gnash, Oliva O’Brien
T
he hardest part of my pain isn’t just missing Caleb.It's the expression on his face when I said goodbye as the elevator doors closed that haunts me.If I hadn't been inundated by the images of him and Charlotte kissing every time I closed my eyes and the very real fear that he may have been the one that poisoned me, I might have given in to him.
I should want him to hurt as much as he hurt me but I hate that I caused him pain.Fuck, its confusing sometimes trying to fight between feeling justified and like a complete dick head.
The first Sunday after I was released from the hospital was the hardest.Mom and I just sat on the couch silently watching TV while this unspoken elephant sat on my chest.She is adamant that he should be arrested and is frustrated it hasn't happened yet.I can't talk to her about him.I'm afraid she will see the hurt in my eyes and know exactly why it's there.
As I navigate the pain of missing a man I have no business missing, it's so hard to connect him to the same man that wanted me dead.It doesn't make any sense the Caleb I knew would hurt himself before he would hurt me.But did I ever really know him?
Even now I am more afraid of seeing him and getting my heart crushed again than I am of him potentially killing me.I crave the bastard like I'm a damn junkie and it makes me want to pull my hair out.God I’m so fucked up.I'm in love with my would be killer, sounds like a terrible romance novel.
Before he was a drug, I watched from afar and I thought I was obsessed with him.That has nothing on the desperate need I have for him now.I didn’t know heartbreak physically hurt until I felt my heart shatter and the shards have continually pierced my insides everyday since.
