Page 83 of Silent Comrade
Step one: Survive.
Then: Connection or cherishing..
Later: Vulnerability
Always ending with: Loss.
That was the pattern, and only her familymembers and a few rare relationships made it past step two.
Maybe she could break the pattern. When hadthis grab-life-by-the-horns encounter with a sexy man turned into alonging for a type of relationship she’d never consideredpossible?
She should ask him. Communicate openly. Whata novel idea. Doubt hit her in the midsection. Could she ask forwhat she wanted? Risk rejection? For a split second she couldn’tbreathe under the crashing weight of a wave of brain-whirlinganxiety.
After a lungful of air and a deep sigh, shepushed until he let her go. She sat on the side of the bed, facingaway from him.
“You okay?” he asked.
She rubbed her face, like she could scrubaway all the bad junk in her life. “Peachy.”
A rustle of sheets and then the beddipped.
Don’t touch me, don’t touch me.
“Britt?” He sat next to her, fully naked.Oh, come on.That was unfair.
She stared at the floor. “Yep.”
“What’s going on?”
It would be so simple to share her worries.Air out concerns. See if there was a chance for a future together.Determine if he even wanted such a thing. Discuss issues like twonormal adults. Simple, but difficult to do with severe anxiety.
The choice might not be hers to make. Orhis. He’d said it before: he worked on a covert team that had toremain below the radar. There had been no mention of any of hiswork or life beyond this mission, and rightly so.
But the thought of a future without Red init didn’t sit well with Britt. At all.
Panic pushed to the surface, crackingrational thought and logic into disorganized pieces, making clearthought difficult
After throwing on a long t-shirt to feelless vulnerable, she stood and spun around to face him. “What’sgoing on?” She clicked on the lamp. “Bad week. Long days. Almostdied. Twice. On the verge of failing a college degree I have workedso hard to complete. Missing Brady and Mom and wishing they werehere. Sleep deprivation. Have I forgotten anything?”
His auburn eyebrows shot up. “Well.” In theyellow lamplight, his eyes glinted. Always assessing. Calculating.Because this whole situation was a damned mission for him. “Ah,anything we should talk about?”
“You are not pulling a freaking counselormove on me. I’ve stomped people for less.” At the wiggle of thecorners of his mouth, she pointed. “Don’t even think about laughingor you’ll be my next victim.” It was a funny comment, but her earsbuzzed. An avalanche of emotions broke loose and snowballed in herexposed, exhausted state. “I’m also wondering where”—she waved her hands toward Red still sitting nakedlyon the side of the bed—“this isgoing.”
His brows rose. “Um.” He tugged onboxer-briefs and a t-shirt in an efficient and muscularmovement.
“Orifit’s going anywhere.” When hedidn’t answer, the words came flying out. “My anxiety-fed brain isgoing ninety miles per hour thinking about logistics of arelationship with a guy whose job is undercover work. How would Iintroduce you to family? Where would I live? Where would you live?Where would we work? How much time would you have to spend on therelationship—are we talking about youcoming home on weekends or every few months? Would I be jealous orscared while you were away?” She rolled her lip hoop against theother lip.
“I don’t know—” hehaltingly started.
She held a hand up. “No need to answer anyof these questions. I’m just letting you know where my head is.”She paced two steps then paused. “Wrapped up in all those thoughtsare longstanding fears of being abandoned. My therapist thinks Ihaven’t gotten over Mom and Brady’s death and those losses arestill affecting me, and she’s probably right. So then I circle backto the part where you might not even want to deal with thismess”—she knocked on her head—“and walking away might be the best decision you canmake.”
Silence filled the room for several thuddingheartbeats of time.
“Britt, I want to have a future with you.”The words shredded from between tight lips. He didn’t meet hergaze. “But it’s not possible.”
She knew the truth of his words but theystill landed like a slap to the face. Britt sucked in a quickbreath. “Got it. Besides, how normal of a relationship would wehave anyway? This whole situation has been weird from the start,from the stalker dude out there to not knowing your actual name oroccupation to needing to have a guard dog with me all daylong.”
The guard dog in question recoiled, pullinghis head back. “Hey.”
