Page 84 of Silent Comrade
“Hey, nothing. As much as I like you and Imight like … what we’re doing together … this togetherness is notnormal. Look, I’ve earned a normal life. A life where I call theshots. A life without babysitters or death threats. I deserve acollege degree and a chance at a career, damn it, and a somewhatpredictable partner who doesn’t leave. These seem like veryreasonable asks.” A sad, painful gulp followed that last statement.“The fact that it’s taking such a colossal effort to reach any oneof these goals is pretty much the definition ofinsanity.”To be fair, part of why it had taken so long to finish college wasBritt’s flighty fault, no question. She’d own that piece of theirregular puzzle of her life.
His low voice elicited a shiver. “What Iwant is you, but my job has restrictions—” In the glow of the lamp,the muscled ridges on his shoulders and torso tensed in starkrelief, reminding her of the sheer strength taking up space in theroom. Reminding her of the reason he was here.
She was his mission.
She glanced down at the fabric of hisbriefs. He was semi-erect. Goddamnit.
Sour disappointment mixed with a burningdesire to lose herself in his powerful thrusts until she didn’tcare about her failure-to-launch life and difficulty completing thenext step in her future. Britt knew full well her overstressedbrain exaggerated key parts of the situation and drew illogicalconclusions, but her anxiety had taken over. She shook her head.“Look, never mind. Oh man, I’m babbling. Just … go back to sleep orwhatever. I have to go to work, which is an activity that exists inmy normal life. It’s something tangible that I can succeed atdoing.” The words tumbled out before she could stop them. “Normallife—you know, where people aren’tshooting at me and covert military groups don’t exist. Where mysexual partner has a past and a future.”
He reared back like she’d walloped him.
In some place way deep down inside, sherecognized the unfairness of that comment given his history as afoster child and wanted to take back her words, but her fears andinsecurities kept pushing her. “God, I’ve had about as much weirdsecrets to last a lifetime. I can’t take any more.” She lifted herhands. “Would it be too much to ask that I have a normal life withnormal problems and normal relationships?” She blinked tears andswallowed hard. “Why is this so hard to accomplish?”
His voice, low and under icy control, scaredher more than if he yelled. “Normal life is not an option for me orfor you right now. I’m sorry.” His Adam’s apple bobbed and neckmuscles shifted. “Straight talk: I want you. I would love to have afuture with you. I don’t see how that is an option, and I won’ttorment you by confusing the situation. I can promise that as soonas this mission is over, I will be out of your life forever. It’s ajob requirement.”
Well, crap. Not the answer she wanted, butthe answer her wary heart had anticipated. Her eyes burned and herthroat hurt like it had swollen shut. She couldn’t breathe. Thelight in the room went dim.
Not now. No. Britt wouldn’t have a full-onpanic attack in front of Red. She forced air in and out of herwindpipe. She felt the floor beneath her feet, saw the man in herbed, smelled the light scent of his aftershave. Grounding helped.Marginally.
She glanced at his stony expression, but hiseyes showed a glint of pain. Britt didn’t have the emotionalcapacity to take back the unfair words she’d said, even though shewanted to.
The only thing Britt knew with 100%certainty was that she had four days to pull a proverbial rabbitout of a hat. One power-hungry CFO stood in her way of the onlylife goal she’d ever been remotely able to complete.
This secretive guy in front of her who hadsaved her life and given her so much pleasure would not be part ofher future. End of story.
“Britt…”
“Nope. All done here. Too exhausted. Toostressed to deal. I’m sorry that’s the case. I’m sorry if I wasunfair.” She glanced at the big man sitting on her bed. “Look, ifyou wouldn’t mind, can you make yourself a little less … here? Iknow you have a job to do, but I can’t think straight with thismuch closeness. Which isn’t healthy, since there’s no future forus. Heck, the past and the present we have are pretty crappy.”
“I never asked for a future.” His voicechilled her skin. “I can’t help my past.”
Oh, God, she’d made him think his pastimpacted her current messy self. “It’s really not your—”
“No need to finish that statement, Britt.”Gone was the warm lover who made her scream his name and who puthimself in harm’s way to keep her safe. “I respect your concerns.They are valid. I will focus on my work. That’s the professionalbehavior and protocol I should have been performing all along.”
In the space of two haggard breaths, the manin front of her changed into a cold, mission-driven machine. Theshift made her chest ache. Wasn’t that what she wanted? Emotionaldistance?
Britt wasn’t happy with eitheroutcome—distance or closeness. What theheck? Nope. Her irrational, exhausted, anxiety-driven brain shutdown and refused to process any more. A shower and breakfast.That’s all that she wanted. And for this week to be over. As muchas it hurt, she needed emotional detachment to protect her ownheart.
Her eyes burned. She wanted to sink into hisarms and sob. Instead, Britt clasped her hands together. Hard.“Red.” She waited for the tiny nod to indicate he heard her. “Canyou do your job without being three inches away from me at alltimes?”
“Yes.” White lines bracketed his hard mouth.“It’s not as easy, but yes.”
“Sounds like we have a plan.” She spun onher heel and closed herself in the bathroom. Hopefully the sound ofthe shower would drown out any sniffles.
Chapter Thirty-Four
O. Kay.
Hell, what the hell happened? Red paced inthe small bedroom, trying to piece together the past few minutesthat had started out like watching a blissful sunrise but insteadturned out to be a nuclear bomb exploding.
He shook his head and replayed in painfuldetail the memory of their times together. Had he pushed her orcrossed boundaries? Misinterpreted anything? No, she had encouragedhim. He had made sure Britt initiated each level of intimacy.
Had he taken advantage of his position asher protector? It was the nature of the job to get close to atarget. He’d never gotten this close to his mission target in hisSpecial Forces or post-virus Morpheus Squad work. As a potentialromantic partner he was as good as radioactive, thanks to thevirus.
The presence of the virus made him even moreundesirable as a partner than he would have been without it.
She had said,“Where my sexual partnerhas a past and a future.”
