Page 48 of Paging Dr. Breakup
Cal leaned back. This was new information. “But… you loved him? You picked him.”
“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.” She drew another deep breath. “Maybe you’re right. We do need to talk about this. It’s just painful.” He squeezed her hand, and she returned the pressure and gave another wistful smile. “Of course, I loved him. I married him. But people change over time. I wasn’t the same person ten years later that I was when we got married.”
“You chose him.” He was repeating himself now.
Her whisper gutted him. “You exited before I could make a choice.”
“What are you saying?”
“Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and I won’t look back.” A tendon in her neck shifted as she swallowed.
Damn him if he wanted to put his lips on the pulse right there. He forced himself to concentrate on what she was saying.
“I’m saying that I grew to love Elijah, and that love developed into deep friendship and companionship. I also missed you being around. I cared for you, too.”
He wanted to ask more, but anguish was etched in the tight lines around her eyes and mouth. He could have altered his own life happiness by taking different action years ago. His fears… the possibilities were too much to process tonight.
He let go of her hand for a moment. “This, um, arrangement that we have.”
“You want to stop.”
Cal shook his head. That was the exact opposite of what he wanted, which was the other big problem, for so many reasons. Right now, he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her until he couldn’t think straight. Hold her so tightly that he couldn’t discern the boundaries of his own body or hers. Sink into her softness again and again until they were sated. He’d never have enough of her. His sad laugh surprised him. “Even a pretend relationship with you is worth more to me than a real relationship with anyone else.”
Crumbs. Cal’s heart would be happy with crumbs if they were from Deirdre.
“I don’t understand,” she said.
“Are we being completely honest here?”
“I’m scared to.” She closed and opened her eyes. “Yes. We’re adults. We can be honest.”
He picked up her hand and held it to his cheek for a moment. “Deirdre, I’d take a fraction of your kisses and sliver of your time and still consider myself the luckiest guy in the world.”
“Calvin, what are you saying?” Her chest rose and fell more quickly.
“It’s hard for me to admit this, knowing that the shadow of my friend is always hanging over me.”
“I get it. I keep thinking if I have any feeling of attraction, it’s a betrayal of Elijah.” She laced her fingers with his on the couch cushion. “Then I think about making this—us—real. It’s totally unfair of me. You deserve someone whole.”
For the second time in as many minutes, he pulled his head back. “That’s it. Youarewhole. You’re strong and amazing. You’re worth someone caring for you. Again. You don’t realize it.” He shook his head. “Or you don’twantto realize it.” He shrugged. “Hey, I’m an emergency physician, not a psychiatrist.” The laugh felt raw but also a relief, like a tense cyst popped. Pressure released. “I’m never going to be Elijah.”
The truth, staring him in the face. He’d spoken the words.
She sighed. “Your job isn’t to be Elijah.”
“I don’t know what my job is.”
“You mean besides deceiving the entire town so that we don’t get pestered?”
“Of course, that.” He laughed, the sensation foreign but pleasant. “Actually, I think the gig is up, Deirdre.”
The gleam in her eyes warmed him down to his toes. “It was kind of fun having a coconspirator.”
Not willing to deal with long-term plans and futures, he took a breath and dove in. “What I’m saying is, I wouldn’t mind conspiring with you in a real way.”
Her blue eyes locked onto his, and her lips parted.
This moment called for brutal, painful honestly. “You deserve more,” he said. Damn it, honesty could be terrifying. “I deserve a chance at more. I think we could be… thatmore… for each other.”
