Page 19 of Hold Me Closer
Jesus Christ.
Has she really been singing about me all this time? I don't think I've ever really listened to the lyrics. I barely even managed to listen to her sing without my goddamn heart aching. I hear her voice, and it hurts, so I turn off the radio. I own every album and buy everything with her name on it, but I've never really listened.
Ha.I'm sure she'd agree that's always been my problem. I never fucking listen. Well, I'm listening now.
"She was supposed to graduate early, but she decided to skip the class she needed, leaving her several credits shy," I murmur. "She did it because I turned down my chance at a football scholarship, and we'd always planned to go to college together. When I got a last-minute walk-on spot at UT, I took it, even though it meant leaving her behind. She's never forgiven me for it."
"Oh, I see."
"No, you don't." I glance up at her, swallowing hard. "Her whole life, she hid in my shadow. She was always smarter, always better, always more talented. But she just kind of faded into the background most of the time, saying it's where she wanted to be. But I knew better. She was meant for greater things than that. I wanted her to have a chance to experience shit on her own for once, to realize that she didn't need to hide behind me. She deserved better than that." I exhale a breath. "I just didn't realize I was pushing her right out of my life by going about it the way I did. When I came home for Thanksgiving break, she told me that she'd never forgive me. I kissed her anyway. She slapped me and ran off."
My hands shake, so I clasp them together, trying to still them. "She shouldn't have been driving when she was that upset, and I knew it. I went after her to make sure she made it home safely," I whisper. "I found her car wrapped around a light pole. It was… God, it was bad, Emelia. By the time I got her out of the car, it was on fire. And the only thing she said before she stopped breathing was not to tell me."
Christ, that shit killed me. The way she mumbled it over and over, like she was begging for me to be kept away from her, not even realizing she was talking to me, that I was the one desperately trying to get her out of that fucking car…
"She didn't want me at the hospital. She didn't want me anywhere near her." I sigh heavily. "She's hated me for six years because I decided for her what she needed."
"Do you regret it?" Emelia cocks her head to the side, genuinely curious.
Do I? I've asked myself the same damn question a million times. The truth is…I don't fucking know. I regret losing her. I regret every minute of the last six years. I regret what I said back then about not wanting her in my life because it wasn't fucking true. I'll never forgive myself because she was on the road that night because of me.
But do I regret pushing her out of the shadows? Hell, even her song says she stood in my shadow, feeling small. How can I regret giving her a chance to find out for herself exactly what she was capable of? She was meant for greatness. And now, she's found it. The whole goddamn world knows her name. I wish like hell that I'd been along for the ride. That was always my dream—to be there to support hers. To be her rock while she touched the stars.
"Parts of it," I admit. "I regret like hell that she hates me. I'll never forgive myself for what happened. But I don't regret that she ended up where she is. She belongs on that stage. I don't think she ever would have taken that chance had our lives played out the way she envisioned. She would have gone to college, settled into a career like teaching music, and never gone after what she wanted. She would have continued to put me and my future first—the same way she always did. She deserved more than that."
"You still love her, don't you?"
"Never fucking stopped," I rasp, my throat raw. "Not for a single goddamn second."
Emelia nods thoughtfully. "She's your new girlfriend," she says after a minute. "You two are going to pretend to bein a relationship to save your image. And trust me, Teo, it desperately needs saving right now. Because as soon as I leave here, I have to go explain to your bosses what happened last night—and they're already looking for a reason to get rid of you."
"She's never going to go for that."
"I'll convince her myself if that's what it takes," Emelia says. "But she's your new girlfriend, Teo."
"It's not her job to save my image, Emelia. I fucked that up all on my own. If I crash and burn because of it, that's on me."
She rolls her eyes at me. "This isn't really about your image. It's about giving the two of you a chance to reconnect. You need that more than your image needs Jesus."
"I'm not going to risk fucking up her image to save mine."
"Obviously not." She hits me with a look sharper than a dagger. "That's precisely why you need her. You may not care about your image, but you do care about hers. You wouldn't dare do anything stupid enough to mess up her image or get her into trouble. I know you well enough to know that. You two can reconnect while I work on digging you out of this hole. And you'll be safely out of trouble while I do it. Two birds, one sorta-fake relationship."
"That is not how that saying goes."
"It is now."
"I'm not going to lie to her."
"Then don't. Tell her that you intend to make her fall in love with you again." She waves a dismissive hand at me as if telling me she doesn't give a shit what I do so long as I do it. "Just don't fudge it up, Teo. Otherwise, I'm going to kill you." She bats her lashes at me. "And I have the key to your house now. I can torture you while you're asleep anytime I want."
"Give me my key back, Emelia."
"Nope." She pats her pocket, smirking. "If you didn't want me to steal it, you should have hidden it better. And you shouldn't have made me worry you were dead."
"Jesus H. Christ." I stand up, yanking the wet sheets off my bed. "It's too goddamn early for this. I'm going back to sleep."
"Oh, like hell you are," she growls. "You're going to go to practice, and then you're going to find Nadia and beg her on your knees to help you. And if she says no because you didn't beg well enough, so help me God, Teo, I will drag you back there by your ear to do it again."
