Page 8 of Hold Me Closer
As far as she's concerned, I meant it the day I told her that I'd rather not have her in my life than have her wait around for me. She's been hellbent on giving me exactly that every day since. I thought she'd cool down eventually, and let me explain.
I called her every damn day for two months. Half the time, she ignored my calls. The rest, she answered only long enough to tell me to stop calling.
I figured by Thanksgiving break, she'd be calmer.
Oh, fuck no.
When I got home, it was to news that she was applying to colleges on the East Coast. She wasn't even applying to UT. I asked her why. Turns out, my little butterfly wanted to be as far away from me as possible. She told me that she didn't want to spend the next few years of her life running into me on campus, remembering that the day I finally gave her what she'd wanted more than anything was the same day I broke her heart. I ruined her first kiss, her firstI love you, and her first prom. She couldn't be friends with me because she couldn't forgive me.
I fucking begged her to give me a chance to fix it. She told me to go to hell. So I grabbed her and kissed her. I told her I loved her and didn't mean what I said. She slapped me and ran out.
An hour later, she stopped breathing in my arms after wrapping her car around a light pole. She spent weeks in the hospital, fighting for her life after I pulled her from the wreckage, and she didn't want me anywhere near her. She blames me for the accident…and I haven't seen her since.
Oh, I see her all over the fucking TV. She's on the radio every damn time I turn it on. But I haven't been in the same room with her since the night she tore my heart out completely.
Or hell, maybe I'm the one who tore it out.
I don't fucking know. All I know is that I sat in that hospital room with her until she started waking up. And then I slipped out. I sat outside the hospital the entire time she was admitted, refusing to leave, but she didn't want to see me, and I didn't want to risk making her worse. I needed to be close, but I wanted to give her space, too. Back then, I was convinced I was doing the right thing.
Six years later, I'm no longer sure. She won't even come home if she knows I'm going to be there. No one is allowed to speak my name to her. She fucking hates me. Nothing about that seems right.
But hell, she could hate me every day for the rest of her life. It won't even compare to the guilt I carry. She was on that road because of me. She almost died because of me. I'll never fucking forgive myself for that shit. I can't. She shouldn't have been out there that night, not when she was as upset as she was.
"My office, Kirby," Coach growls. "Now."
"Fuck," I mutter, bouncing my head against the locker.
Everyone turns to look at me, matching sympathetic looks on their faces. I pretend not to see them as I haul myself to my feet, following after him. He doesn't say a word until I close the door to his office behind me.
"That little stunt out there is already hitting the press," he says, tossing his shit down on his cluttered desk before wheeling to face me. "It's the third time this season that you've made yourself look like a hotheaded aggressive jackass out there. Is this going to be the status quo with you?"
"No, Coach."
"You sure about that? Because it was your M.O. back in Tennessee." He crosses his arms, hitting me with a no-bullshit look. "The last thing this league needs is another hothead. You're aggressive on the field. You've been in more scrapes than I cancount off the field. Management is beginning to wonder if you're worth the hassle, kid."
Fuck.
I shove a hand through my hair, blowing out a breath. "That was an accident out there."
"Yeah, Aldersgate said the same thing. It's bullshit," he says bluntly. "I've been at this a long time. I know your history with him. And I'm telling you here and now to stow it. Stow all of your shit and get your head on straight, Kirby. Or this will be your last season."
"You'll trade me?"
"No, son. I'm not talking about your last season with the team. I'm saying this will be your last season in the league, period," he says, his gaze locked on mine. "Either get your shit together, or you're done."
I blink at him, rocking back on my heels.
Fuck. They're talking about cutting me loose? Because of Aldersgate?
No.I don't even have to ask to know that's not why. It's because of me and my shit. Because, like Coach said, I've got a long goddamn history of problems on and off the field. I've had problems for six damn years. And they're entirely of my own making.
I wanted her to chase her dreams instead of putting her life on hold for me. And I drove her away in the process. I broke us before we ever even had a chance. And like Aldersgate said, I'm the only one who never got over it.
"You good, man?" Tysonasks, jogging along beside me as I stomp out of the locker room an hour later.
"Fine," I growl.
He snorts, shooting me a look that says he knows I'm full of shit. But he doesn't ask questions. He just shakes his head. "One of these days, you're going to handle your shit instead of letting motherfuckers like Aldersgate use it to get at you."
