Page 26 of Captive Mate
I didn’t quite have the energy to laugh; it came out more of a heave of my chest and a sigh. “Sure.”
“You don’t.” He gave me a gentle shake. “Earlier today I told you that you always have a choice. What you said to Nate…you were out of line there. You know you were, right? You shouldn’t have said that shit to him. I’d think you’d have some sympathy if anyone would.”
That hit home, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Yeah, maybe in a different universe I wouldn’t have needed every weapon I could possibly put in my arsenal to survive. In that one I’d have been out of line for hitting Nate, with his admittedly fucked-up past, exactly where it hurt. But I didn’t regret it. I only regretted that it hadn’t worked.
And maybe I also regretted that I’d made Matthew hate me even more by saying it. He might be trying a different tactic with me now, softness rather than aggression, but his expression as he’d gazed down at me after I taunted Nate was going to stay in my head for a long time. I doubted he was feeling much kinder now that I’d attacked both of them and tried to escape. His loyalty was to Nate, and it made me ache somewhere deep inside. Matthew was capable of that kind of loyalty, of that kind of affection and understanding — why couldn’t he extend a little bit of that to me?
Right, because I’d put him under a love spell and betrayed him.
Matthew sighed again, a deep one this time, and waited. When it was clear my mouth was shut, he went on with, “Look, I’m not saying you were right, but…maybe I was wrong. Partly. A little bit.”
An alpha admitting when he was wrong, even if it was the most half-assed admission I’d ever heard? I cracked an eye open and peeked at him. He’d bent down so close to me that our faces were almost touching. And he was just — looking at me, his gaze steady. Like he had nothing better to do thanseeme. Like I was worth looking at, and not just the parts of me that he might want to fuck.
That shook me down to the very core. The only parts of me safe to reveal were right there on the surface. The rest of it…the rest of it couldn’t be examined, brought out into the daylight. It wasn’t safe.Hewasn’t safe. I couldn’t let him be something safe, not if I wanted to get out of this intact and as self-sufficient as I had to be to survive.
“You’re going to need to be more specific, asshole,” I managed. “You were wrong about a lot of things today.”
The corners of his lips turned down, and he sighed. “What you said to Nate was unfair. Hedidn’thave a choice. Or at least — all of his choices were bad, and possibly even suicidal. And it made me think about our conversation from before. I think I was unfair to you, too.”
My shoulders relaxed back against the wall; I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding myself with that much tension. With the easing of it came a sudden welling-up of anger. I shouldn’t care what Matthew thought of me. Ididn’tcare what anyone thought of me, least of all some overbearing alpha dickhead with delusions of grandeur because he was in charge of a raggedy-ass pack out in the wilds of buttfuck nowhere, and because he was an alpha with a knot.
Fuck that. My spell was messing with me, that was all, and I wasn’t going to let it. I lifted my hands, shoving them against his chest to get him off me. He didn’t so much as budge, and my anger only grew, tightening my chest and rising up to choke me.
“Yeah, you were,” I said. “You were unfair. But what difference does it make? It’s not going to change anything. You’re not going to let me go, right? So why the fuck should I care that you’ve decided you want to absolve yourself of being a dick by admitting it?”
A dark-red flush spread across his cheeks. “I’m trying to apologize to you! Fuck, I —” He broke off, and his gaze skittered away for a second before he looked back at me. My mouth opened to retort, but he beat me to it. “And maybe I’m doing a shitty job, okay? But I’m trying.”
Trying? He wastrying? Fucking awesome. That and five bucks would get me a latte.
My hands were still on his chest, my fingers digging in. He hissed in pain as my rage started to trigger my shift and my claws came out, puncturing his shirt and drawing beads of blood from his skin.
“Don’t push me,” he growled, leaning in until his lips were a breath away from mine. “I’m sorry you didn’t have anywhere to go but the Kimballs. I’m sorry you — none of what Taft did to you was your fault, even remotely. But Nate never did half the shit you did, even when he didn’t have any good choices to make. The only person he hurt was himself.”
I shoved again, twisting my body to try to throw him off, and he lunged forward, pinning me to the wall with his hips. He was hard again. Fuck, it seemed like he was always hard when he was pressed against me.
And this time, I wasn’t afraid of him — I was furious, my pulse racing and my blood pumping through me and making me ready to fight or to fuck. Every inch of me lit up, my cock pushing up to meet his. Fuck, Ihatedalphas. I forced my claws in deeper, blood dripping down his chest — and he closed the tiny gap between our mouths, slamming his down over mine.
This time it didn’t hurt. It didn’t feel wrong. It felt like he was drawing out every one of my secrets, every one of my fears, and swallowing them down, leaving nothing but longing and need in their place.
One of his hands came up to wrap around the back of my neck and he held me still, thrusting his tongue into my mouth and devouring me. His alpha heat was almost too much, searing me from the inside, like his cock would if he threw me down on the bed or the floor, or turned me and shoved me face-first against the wall and took me then and there…
And if he had, right then I wouldn’t have wanted to stop him.
I wrenched my head to the side, breaking the kiss with the last of my willpower. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t give in to this, take the path of least resistance, let my frustration and my body’s weakness and need take over like this. I knew what happened when an alpha took what he wanted.
“Stop,” I gasped, even as my hips surged up to meet his. “I’m not doing this. You’ll take — everything. I didn’t escape Parker to end up like this.”
He froze in place, like I’d turned him to stone with a particularly fucked-up bit of magic. The hand on my waist gripped me so hard I knew I’d have bruises.
“I’m not him,” he said, very low. I felt the brush of his lips against my cheek as he spoke, and those feather-light touches sent shivers all the way down to my toes. “I’m not — fuck. I want you. And I want what’s best for my pack. But that’s not why he —I’m not him.” Matthew pulled back, only his hands still on me. He was breathing hard, his lips parted and his face still flushed. But he pulled back. “Arik, let me show you I’m not him.”
“You said you’d enjoy it. Fuck, Matthew, you — you said you’d enjoy it,” I repeated desperately, as the hand behind my neck tangled in my hair, tugging with enough force to hold me, but not enough to hurt me. “You’d enjoy — mating me whether I wanted it or not.”
I squirmed in his grasp, and he let out a helpless moan and bent to press his lips to my neck, worrying a tiny bit of my flesh between his lips. My head tipped back against my will. I was baring myself to him — submitting to him, and I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
“I like the way you say my name.” He moved an inch to the left, latching on and flicking my skin with his tongue. He pressed kisses along my collarbone and then lifted his head, looking me in the eyes. His were dilated, glowing faintly, and — completely sane.
He was in control, and that maybe scared me more than insanity would have. I had no control left, and if he did — I was fucked.
