Page 64 of The Alpha Experiment
And what?
And nothing, that was what.
I had to keep the tears in until he could detach from me and go. He’d be eager to get as far from me as he could; I wouldn’t need to move much, just let him get out from under me and then curl up on my ruined mattress.
At last I felt Colin’s knot shrink enough that he’d be able to pull out.
But he didn’t. His come started to trickle down my thighs, and we were still stuck together, sweaty and with my come on our stomachs, though we were finally cooling down.
I wasn’t cold, because he hadn’t moved his arms from around me, and his body threw off more warmth than a space heater. But I felt chilled anyway, chilled down to the bone.
And he wasn’t moving. Even his hands had stilled, one pressed between my shoulder blades and the other cupping my ass.
I couldn’t move first. I couldn’t risk lifting my head and meeting his eyes, seeing the look on his face. It might be pity, it might be disgust, it might be regret. It might be Colin’s carefully-honed neutral blankness, the face he showed the world when he had to deal with inconveniences and pack councils and lawyers and contracts.
Whatever it was, I couldn’t take it. But I couldn’t stay there, either, sprawled on top of him like a lover.
Finally I’d had enough. I moved, pushing my body up so that his arms had to fall away. They tightened for a second, and then he let me go. I slid off of him, keeping my face turned away, climbed off the bed, and kept my back to him as I speed-walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.
I had a leftover phlebotomy kit, but I didn’t even bother drawing any blood. One glance in the mirror showed me a wreck of a human being: flushed cheeks, too-bright red-rimmed eyes, swollen lips, the stubble on my jaw showing stark against skin gone pallid where it wasn’t red. I flinched away and turned on the shower, moving more slowly than usual, like I’d aged thirty years in one evening.
The hot water ran out eventually, and I hauled myself out.
When I cautiously opened the door to the living room, it and the kitchen were empty. I peeked through the bedroom door.
He’d flipped the mattress and put fresh sheets on the bed, but Colin was gone.
***
Because I couldn’t stand to be in my apartment, and going to the lab sounded like a fresh hell on earth, I locked up and headed for my office.
At just after nine, the building wasn’t quite deserted—but close enough, and I managed to escape human contact except for one quick nod-and-hello encounter with a zoology professor I’d met in passing.
Ten minutes after I’d arrived, right as the Mr. Coffee had started spitting and hissing like an angry cat, the doorknob rattled, and Meredith slipped in, shutting and locking the door behind her. I’d gotten so in the habit of keeping myself to myself, especially when I had something personal on my mind, that it came as a shock to realize I’d been expecting her. Hoping for her to arrive, in fact, and even counting on it.
“Newton,” she said, sounding surprised. “What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in the office since Colin got—” She stopped, peering at me, and set down her usual load of papers and books so she could cross to my desk and lean down to peer more invasively. “What the fuck happened to you? You look like your dog died. And then attacked you.”
“Isn’t that kind of burying the lede? The whole ‘zombie dog on the loose’ issue?”
She leaned her fists on my desk and glared at me. “That wasn’t even funny, and even if it had been, I’m not getting distracted like that.What happened?”
What happened. I almost laughed, but I kept it in. It wouldn’t have been much of a laugh, probably would’ve ended with me breaking down, and would’ve convinced Meredith more than ever that I’d had some kind of tragedy requiring—talking about it. A lot of talking about it.
Talking about it wasn’t going to happen. If this had been anything else, I’d have called Colin, and we’d have talked about anythingbutwhat had upset me, and it would’ve been perfect.
That felt like a punch to the solar plexus, and I spun my chair around as quickly as I could before Meredith saw my face crumple. “I made coffee. Want some?”
“Yes, of course I do, who are you talking to? Also, Newton. Don’t make me string you up by your toes.”
I could do this, come up with some way to get the help I needed from her, the help she would be so kindly willing to give, in a way that wouldn’t leave me sobbing on her shoulder and then so embarrassed I’d never be able to speak to her again.
“I need to finish up the experiment I’ve been running and get something for Greenwald,” I managed, in a burst of inspiration. The fact that it was a deflection didn’t make it untrue, either. The experiment had ended—oh, gods, more than ended—and I wouldn’t be getting any more data. I had to work with what I’d already collected, much as the thought of doing anything with my results, especially celebrating them, made my mouth taste like bile. “I have a couple of weeks still, but it’s stressing me the hell out. I need to get rid of him.”
I finally turned around, once I thought I’d gotten myself under control, and handed Meredith her mug.
Shehmmm’d, took a huge swig, and dropped into the chair in front of my desk. As I’d hoped, that had worked as a red herring, since she’d gotten that ‘processing data’ look on her face instead of firing more questions at me.
“You know,” she said, “I actually had a thought about that this morning. I figured I’d call you tonight, but I was waiting until I’d gotten here and could have a few minutes of peace.”
