Page 68 of A Totally Platonic Thing
“I’m not sure how many times I need to tell you I’d rather be a sanitation engineer than work for the military-industrial complex,” she said, blowing out another huge plume with an air of self-righteous satisfaction. “I’m happy to eat on your gross capitalist dime, though. Oh, and Jim wants a new PS5 controller for his birthday.”
“Done and done,” I told her, and I forced a smile.
Chris. Chris should be here celebrating with me, laughing with Amanda, poking fun at Dr. Park. Snuggling up to my side. Letting me kiss him.
Instead, I didn’t even know if he’d woken up and read my letter yet.
“Now that we’ve settled that, go home and get some sleep. You look like you’re about to fall over.”
Aw, fuck.
“About that,” I said, and then stopped. Double fuck. I’d told Chris I’d be crashing at Amanda and Jim’s place, but…I’d kind of forgotten to mention that to Amanda. Hopefully I wouldn’t be sleeping in my car.
Amanda eyed me, stubbed out her cigarette butt on the wall, and immediately lit another. “Yeah, this sounds like we’re going to be here for a while. Let’s hear it.”
I hadn’t meant to tell her the whole story, but when she raised that eyebrow at me I cracked like a piece of untempered steel. It all came pouring out: getting together with Chris, the promise he’d made me, what had happened last night. The note I left. And how now I felt like I might die if I didn’t run home and tell him I’d been wrong, I’d changed my mind, I didn’t care if he went out clubbing every night as long as he came home to me eventually.
“Wow,” she said when I’d finally word-vomited myself into silence. I felt wrung-out and shaky, like I’d run a mile on top of not having slept in…I couldn’t even count the number of hours. “Okay. Fuck, Lucas. I don’t blame you for ending it. But, I mean…Chris is the best. He’s adorable and he’s obviously totally in love with you.”
I stared at her. She had to be wrong, because if she was right, and I wasn’t the only one completely head over heels, then I might crumble and die from how much it hurt to think about Chris reading that fucking note.
“You have got to be shitting me. What are you—I mean—you didn’t even see us together!”
She rolled her eyes and scoffed, loudly. “I saw you together nearly every day. Chris has been in and out of this department more than most of the people actually supposedly getting a degree here. And honestly? I knew you weren’t together together, but I assumed you were fucking the whole time.”
“You what?” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat. It didn’t help. Oh, fucking Christ. I mean, some of the people in my department thinking Chris and I were a couple hadn’t bothered me, but hearing that Amanda had thought he and I slept together and lived together but weren’t actually together pissed me off so bad. I could feel my blood pressure spike by the throbbing in my temples. “You think I’d—what, you seriously, honestly thought I’d date girls, date anyone, while I was cheating on them and also using my gay roommate for sex the whole time? Are you out of your fuckingmind?”
“I don’t know, I figured you had a roommates with benefits thing going on. You know, using each other in all the good ways.” Amanda winked at me, and that was even worse than the eyebrow thing. “I did think it was weird he kept showing up and snuggling with you all the time even when you were with someone else, yeah. And I was starting to wonder if you were stringing him along and I’d need to kick your ass. Now I know you were just completely fucking clueless.”
“Thanks,” I snarled. “Really fucking helpful.”
She shrugged. “I live to serve. Seriously, though. He’s crazy about you, and maybe he’s clueless enough that he didn’t know it either, but he is. And has been for a while. And you obviously feel the same way. So don’t give up, okay? I’d have walked out on Jim for pulling that shit on me, so I’m not saying you did the wrong thing, at all. But this doesn’t have to be it. You can always try again.”
I wanted to believe her. But if Chris did love me…my heart jumped at the thought. Someone like that, all bright and charming, in love withme? Plain, boring Lucas? It felt like a fantasy. I mean, I’d always been attracted to women with personalities like Chris’s but had been too shy to approach them.
And maybe that should’ve been a big fucking clue, speaking of clueless.
But if he loved me, that meant he’d be as miserable as I was. And I kind of hoped he wasn’t, even if that meant he wouldn’t want to try again—even if that meant his anger at my walking out on him and his shame at the way he’d behaved would make him want to forget me as quickly as possible.
Amanda gathered up her cigarette butts and pushed off the wall.
“You want to come hit the couch now? Or head home to get some of your stuff first?”
Home. My chest ached.
“I’ll text you in a bit. I need to get something to eat. And yeah, I probably do need to face the music.”
“Whenever. Call Jim if you don’t get me. He’s done by one on Mondays.” She waved at me over her shoulder and disappeared into the building.
I pulled out my phone and turned it on finally. I’d had it off all morning to keep myself from checking it obsessively. When it finished all of its stupid logo screens, the time popped up: twelve-ten.
My notifications loaded next.
I had a text from Chris. My heart gave an unsteady lurch and settled into a heavy thrum.
I’m okay. I’m going to stay with S and A and I’m leaving in a minute, so you can come home.
And that was it. No apology, no anger, no…nothing.
