Page 37 of The Royal Curse

My heart sank down more with every word out of his mouth.

Right. My potion. Which I didn’t need if he meant to keep fucking me…and which he might not be so eager to hand off to me and encourage me to take if he had any intention of doing so.

No,I’dbeen the one who didn’t want him to keep fucking me, hadn’t I? To keep my independence, such as it was? How many courtiers’ marriages and loves had I seen dissolve into mistrust, mutual betrayal, bitterness and cruelty? Even when a man seemed to be of good character and had conducted every other aspect of his life honorably, he could turn into an absolute bastard to a lover. And I wouldn’t just want my lover’s kindness; I’d depend on it for my life and my sanity.

Fuck.

“Thank you,” I managed, realizing the silence had stretched far too long to seem natural. “I appreciate your diligence.”

And that had soundedsovery natural, gods.

Andreas quirked an eyebrow at me and fidgeted with the hem of his tunic, smoothing it down. Would he comment on my stiffness and stupidity?

“You’re welcome,” he said after a moment. Gods, where was a trapdoor to the cellar when you needed one? “I need to check on the men, Your Highness. I’ve been out with Dario since after breakfast. I took him with me to reconnoiter since he’s from these parts originally, but the others have probably been drinking all day,” he went on, and I let out a breath. A change of subject. I could’ve kissed him, if that wouldn’t have made everything even worse. I couldn’t kiss him when we weren’t actually fucking, could I? The thought left me flustered, hot, licking my lips.

It took a moment, a long one, for me to focus on his words again, rather than the firm, warm lips producing them.

“…and the best place to cross the river. They say the waters won’t recede enough for the ford to be usable for weeks. And no boats large enough to carry our horses can cross here safely when it’s flooded. Dario found someone who’d come down the northern road a few days ago, and he said the bridge forty miles upstream was passable, as far as he knew. It’s far out of our way, but downriver there’s nothing safe. So that’s our best bet, I’d expect. Unless you’d like to abandon the journey, Your Highness,” he added, with an irritating note of hope in his voice.

Irritating and unexpectedly painful. He’d been the one to convince my mother to let me go. Had he been lying to me all along about thinking this was important?

I had to work hard to keep my voice even as I said, “I’d prefer not to. But I realize the decision isn’t mine to make, in the end.”

A note of bitterness crept in despite my best efforts. Gods, if he didn’t mean to take me in his arms again, why couldn’t he simply go? I stared down at the floor, trying to hold still as more of his spend dripped out of me, no matter how I clenched my muscles to try to keep it in.

Silence crept over us, choking and thick.

“We’ll proceed if you wish,” he said at last. “Of course we will. I wouldn’t have spent all day out in the sleet looking for a route otherwise. Fuck, I mean, excuse me, Your Highness. I didn’t mean to sound as if I were complaining.”

Andreas’s set jaw and furrowed brow made my heart sink, weighed down by guilt and disappointment. He didn’t want to go on. And how could I blame him, after all? He’d nearly died on the pass when the rope broke. And then he’d had to deal with the crisis of my cursed magic. Now, we faced a difficult river crossing, who knew what challenges on the road on the other side, and the entire journey back after the conclave. What if my potion ran out again, or we had another disaster?

The words trembled on my tongue: an acceptance of his authority, a yielding to his judgment.

Damn it all to hell, no, no I would not. A chill coursed along all my limbs. He’d fucked me, and now I’d almost—subjugated myself to him. Thrown myself on the mercy of his will and his whims. Precisely what I’d feared might happen if I gave up my potion, in short.

I lifted my chin and looked him in the eyes, fists so tight my nails dug into my palms, doing my royal best to ignore that I stood before him with goosebumped bare legs, with lips swollen from his kisses, with his spend trickling out of my body.

“You didn’t sound as if you were complaining,” I said. “Either way, we leave tomorrow. If we’re going to detour so far out of our way we’ll need to get an early start. As soon as it’s light, if you please.”

Andreas’s mouth pressed into a thin line, and he nodded. “As you wish, Your Highness,” he said, bowed, and turned and left the room without another word or a backward glance.

It was possible he shut the door with slightly more force than necessary.

When I moved, his come spread slickly between my cheeks, and I winced. I’d need to bathe as soon as possible—not just that, but pack my things, give orders to the maids for the morning, eat, go to bed, get ready to travel. I didn’t want to do any of it. I wanted to chase Andreas down the hall, grab him by the shoulders, and shake him.

After that, my fantasy became a bit hazy.

First things first, though. Before I washed, before I did anything, I’d make sure that I wouldn’t behave this way again—that I’d be clear-headed and sane the next time I saw my guard. The ability to use my magic, even temporarily, had been…seductive. But I’d done without it for fifteen years. I could go without it as long as I needed to. It didn’t define me, damn it. I had other abilities, other talents, other value. And I’d tell myself that as often as I needed to.

When I flipped open the lid of the box Andreas had brought, there were two glass flasks inside just as he’d said there would be, along with a letter. I skimmed that first, checking Doctor Serrano’s dosage instructions as compared to my previous formula, and then took one of the flasks out of its nest of straw.

I didn’t need it yet. I wouldn’t need it, almost certainly, for another forty-one hours.

But I swallowed the first dose then and there, naked and wet and cold and miserable, with no delay. I had to have control over myself.

And I couldn’t, Iwouldn’tneed Andreas again.

We rose at dawn to continue our journey, just as I’d demanded—like the idiot I was. Andreas knocked on my door and woke me before the window had even turned gray. Of course this was the time he chose to obey me to the letter, damn him.

---