Page 90 of Heart of the High King
“You know, I lost a lot of things since I was here. But do you know what the hardest and most painful moment was?”
“No, babe…tell me.”
“Losing hope,” Rafe confessed. Lifting his lashes, he stared off in the distance, not really seeing a damn thing, but he wasn’t brave enough to give his attention to Aleksander. “What helped me survive the impossible was my hope. I knew that if I made it through, I would be healed and be able to start my life over. Then I found out I was magic intolerant, and my dreams were shattered. Ican’tgo through that again.”
Aleksander grabbed Rafe’s hand and his fingers traced the scars that littered his skin. “You have nothing to be afraid of. We have two choices. Either we seal our matebond, giving Sorcery D’Vaire the luxury of time to figure out exactly the best route to take, or we let them work with what they can and heal you slowly.”
“I can’t allow you to tie your life to mine. What if they can’t fix me? It would be binding you to me like this for eternity. I don’t want to be stuck with this fucked-up body. I’m not going to do that to either one of us…especially not you. You deserve so much better.”
“Wedeserve better than this. It’s not you and me. It’sus, and we damn well deserve forever.”
The longing in Aleksander’s voice devastated Rafe. What he simply couldn’t understand was why Aleksander was willing to settle for what little Rafe could offer him. A tear escaped as it hit him how stupid he was for returning to D’Vaire. Glancing up at Aleksander’s face, eternity had never been enough to give him what was in his heart. Being reminded again of what had been robbed of them both was crushing and all Rafe had left was a broken shell. “I’m sorry,” he choked out, pulling his hand away and wheeling into the house. As fast as he could, he rolled back to his room without another word to anyone and as soon as he was alone, he allowed a torrent of weeping to sweep his emaciated frame.
Crying not only for what was lost but for how excruciating it was to keep telling Aleksander no, Rafe crumbled. Since the moment he’d learned of Sorcery D’Vaire, he’d done his homework. Their known exploits were incredible, and a voice in his head was suddenly wondering,What if?But Rafe shut it down, although the question of whether he could deny Aleksander the chance of him being fixed so he didn’t have to light his pyre and be in agony crept in.
For more than six hundred years, Aleksander had put up with bullshit rumors about what kind of person he was and his differences. Somehow, he’d never allowed it to steal his innate positivity. Instead, Rafe’s mate sought only to help people, including him. There was no way Aleksander was simply going to accept that Rafe had to die. And until he did, this issue would continue to break them and destroy whatever threads of friendship they were trying to rebuild. Rafe’s very presence at D’Vaire was the one thing that would strip them both of any sweet memories or longing for each other. That had never factored into his thinking when he’d yearned for a last chance to see Aleksander.
Once again, he’d lacked good judgment, and it was ripping him apart. This time instead of being chained to a wall and tortured, it was his spirit and soul at risk. And he couldn’t even deny that he deserved it. The Council believed strongly that mates came first, and yet it was Rafe who’d walked away from the life he wanted simply to please his father. What kind of person did that make him? One willing to keep Aleksander at bay because he couldn’t come to terms with his sexuality or perhaps due to his need to feel important within Court Kestle. Rafe no longer understood what had prevented him from staying at D’Vaire and doubted he ever would. Not proud of that decision, it was impossible to believe that Aleksander didn’t blame him along with the rest of the residents of his court. It went against the very fabric of their beliefs, and Rafe was ashamed of himself.
“Rafe too upset. Need calm.”
“Why didn’t I know I loved him?” Rafe managed with sobs wracking his frail frame. “I don’t understand why I ruined everything and left him. Why did I do that?”
Mortis walked over and laid his head in Rafe’s lap. “Breathing not good. Need calm.”
All Rafe could do was pet his wolf with a trembling hand and try to get his emotions under control since he was nearly hyperventilating while he chastised himself for the path he chose and what they’d both lost because of it. Knowing that he was already doomed and an asshole, Rafe had no choice left but to shatter Aleksander’s hope too. If Sorcery D’Vaire knew what they were truly facing, they’d finally see the futility of the situation. In the morning, Rafe would call Dr. Suricata and have her meet with them. He hated to do that to Aleksander, but the High King wasn’t going to let the issue go otherwise.Dammit, Aleksander, I’m sorry I have to hurt you yet again.
