Page 74 of Strap In
Ava looks at her like she’s speaking Martian. ‘No. I won’t.’
‘Of course you will, Ava – I’m not saying this to be cruel. You are charming and considerate and an incredible lover. Beautiful, too. It should be the easiest thing in the world.’
‘Sure, I can pick up women. Ididpick up women. But do you really think this kind of thing happens often?’ Ava shakes her head, curls springing free from her ponytail. But she doesn’t stop to pick up the fallen elastic. ‘I meant what I said, Jean – it’s never been like this for me either. Not once. What we have, it’s exceptional.’
‘We’refriends. Friends who also fuck. It’s good, I admit it, but there’s nothing rare or special about that.’ If there is, and Jean has lured Ava in anyway, she’s guilty of all that Aaliyah had accused her and much worse besides. The knowledge is a hook through her heart, weighing it down with shame.
‘Friends who make love and go on romantic holidays? Friends who share things they’ve never told anyone else and trust each other with their deepest, darkest truths? Friends who spend every possible night together?’ Ava stares at her, jaw tight. ‘You’re a smart woman, Jean. Is that really what you think fuck buddies do?’
‘It’s not like I’ve ever done this before!’ Jean pushes the hair back from her forehead. ‘There was my marriage to Henry. There were hook-ups with forgettable men. And then there was you. I’d never – I’ve never had anyone or anything I could compare this to.’
‘Me neither. I’ve done casual before, Jean, and this isn’t it. It never was.’
‘But you agreed! Every time I said casual was all I could offer you, you agreed.’
Ava spreads her arms wide, as if the answer is obvious, floating in the air between them. ‘I was waiting for you to figure it out on your own! I thought that if I gave you enough space, enough time, then—’
‘What?’ Jean scoffs. ‘That I’d tell everyone “I’m a lesbian, surprise!” and we’d live happily ever after?’
Ava doesn’t laugh. ‘Something like that. Yes.’
‘Oh, be serious.’
‘I am!’ Ava’s voice echoes through the stillness of the night. She leans forward, speaking lower, faster. ‘Iam. People come out at all different stages of life, Jean, don’t you see? And with women it’s particularly common to come out during middle age—’
‘NO!’ Jean stands, heart pounding, and the blanket falls away. ‘I can’t. Not now, not ever. I don’t want anyone to look at me and think…’
‘What? That you’re capable of having romantic and sexual feelings for women?’ Ava rounds the table, coming close enough that Jean has no choice but to look her in the eye. ‘That doesn’t make you any less worthy as a human being. It doesn’t make you any less brilliant or capable as a lawyer.’
‘It might as well. You know nothing – nothing at all – about what it’s like in the corporate world. The sacrifices it takes. Or how little room there is for any kind of difference. So don’t you dare try and tell me that it wouldn’t matter.’
‘But is it worth it? Living a lie for the rest of your life so you can keep on fitting the image of what people expect you to be?’ Ava’s mouth pulls to one side, as if she’s incapable of imagining such an existence. ‘Wouldn’t you rather stop pretending?’
Jean’s breath catches, and Ava presses her advantage. ‘You’ve been happy these last two weeks. Properly happy. And on all the nights you’ve stayed with me. Look me in the eye and tell me that doesn’t matter.’
‘Who isn’t happy when they’re getting regular orgasms?’
Ava’s mouth twists. ‘No. Don’t do that. Do not pretend like it’s only a sex thi—’
‘And what does being happy have to do with anything?’ Jean shakes her head, incredulous. ‘Adults don’t make decisions based on happiness alone. I haven’t spent all these years working towards becoming managing partner so that I could be happy.’
Ava’s expression verges dangerously close to pity. ‘Then why did you?’
The question knocks Jean off course, flooding her with uncertainty. Whyhasshe travelled so far down this path? There’s no joy in the thought of returning to her corner office, none of the excitement she’s found in helping Ava prepare for her charity launch. With Marianne rejecting her offer in such a spectacular fashion, the old dream of them taking the firm together is well and truly dead. ‘All that, what you’re talking about, it’s so fragile. It could be taken away at any moment. I wanted something solid; something that lasts.’
Ava steps closer then, voice unbearably soft. ‘The only time you’ve ever come truly alive while describing that job is talking about the hours you spent with Kate. I think she was what you wanted, far more than anything to do with the firm.’
‘No.’ Jean backs away, shivering in the cool night air. ‘That’s not true. Or why would I have chosen my career over her?’
‘Because you were scared. Because you were traumatised. Because we live in a world more likely to punish women who are victimised than the men who abuse them.’ There’s no judgement in Ava’s eyes, even now. Only an understanding that leaves Jean feeling naked, though her shirt skims her knees. ‘You don’t have to spend the rest of your life in penance for that decision. We could be together. And nobody needs to know until you’re good and ready.’
Jean places a steadying hand against the table’s glass, cool beneath her palm. Aaliyah was right – of course she was. Jean had been a fool not to see it, when Ava has spent all these months drawing closer.Or maybe, says the sly voice in her head,you didn’t want to see. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too.‘Ava, I am telling you, that is not going to happen.’
‘Just consider your options – that’s all I’m asking. Nothing about your life has to change.’ Ava holds up both hands and speaks slowly, as if she’s come face to face with a wild animal. ‘We could have something solid, Jean. I know that I’m not the person you planned on being with. But if you jump, Iwillcatch you.’
It’s too much. Jean tugs at her collar, gasping for air. Ava reaches for her shoulder, but Jean pulls away as if scalded by her touch. ‘I don’t want that life with you,’ Jean hisses. ‘I want the one I’m living now. And what the hell gives you the right to judge me for that?’
‘I’m no—’
