Page 80 of Across The Stars
“Me? What’s that mean?”
He glanced at me, opening his mouth to explain, but it was like he couldn’t find the words. Then his eyes dropped to the control screen and he tapped on something that made the transport jerk like it was shifting gears. He pulled up a holographic panel and started touching things until the craft was under his control. Before I knew it, he was driving us off course, following a road (or something equivalent to one) until we reached a giant barrier. It wasn’t hard to tell that it was some kind of gate. There was an energy field blocking it, but we drove right through it onto a dirt road leading into thick woods.
The trees around us looked like the ones in the garden. They were tall and their branches connected like giant nets, curving over the path as if they were manmade. It created a sort of tunnel with gaps where the reddish sunlight bled through.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
Vahko just looked at me and then reached over, taking my hand and dragging it over into his lap. It was something I always imagined my boyfriend doing. But was Vahko my boyfriend? Did valerians have partners like that? Were they the exclusive type? I had so many questions and realized I knew absolutely nothing about what was really going on between us.
I only knew what Iwantedto happen between us.
When the road opened up into a valley where deep purple and maroon flowers blossomed along the edges, I was too distracted by the obscure landscape to think about anything else for a while. The air was fresh and humid like it was going to rain again and it smelled floral and sweet. The wind was a little brutal, which made me wonder if it was why all of Sikai was shrouded in energy barriers, but with a swipe of his hand, Vahko raised a glass shield to repel it. Finally, we came to a stop near a giant waterfall cascading off rigid, black rocks. The spray from it fogged the road, but we’d parked right outside of it.
Vahko let out a breath and relaxed in his seat, turning to look at me, but I wasn’t quite done taking in the alien world around me. It was something out of a fantasy and I still couldn’t quite believe I was physically there.
When I finally shifted my attention on Vahko, there was a sense of concern on his face.
“What?” I asked.
“You’re healthy,” he said. “But Omira said your stress levels are off the charts.”
I scoffed. “No kidding. The past week hasn’t exactly been easy for my mental health.”
He slowly nodded, his eyes wandering. I watched his chest expand with a deep breath, his fingers curling over mine.
“My sister made it to the Nexus,” he said. “She’s good at what she does. After what happened yesterday, I put in a request to her. She convinced the mayor to pardon you when you return.”
Relief flooded my muscles and I slumped in my seat a little knowing I wasn’t going to prison.
It was the part about being brought back to the Nexus that made me pause. I tried not to look distraught over it, though. Having reservations about leaving an alien planet seemed too strange a thing to express. A normal person would want to go home and be with her people, right?
“That’s good,” I said instead. “How did she do that?”
“She mentioned your father.”
Shame replaced relief and I closed my eyes, pressing a hand to my face.
“Great,” I muttered.
“You should be proud of who your father was.”
“I am. But using him to get out of trouble feels dirty. I didn’t even know him.”
Vahko paused for a moment, letting the muffled sound of the wind outside fill the space between us.
“Why did you want to leave Earth?” he finally asked. “The real answer, this time.”
The real answer was too heavy. I didn’t even want to think about it, but what more did I have to lose? What good would a lie do at that point?
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Because I wanted some kind of experience to my name.” Suddenly, a lump was forming in my throat and I tried to choke it down. “Look, my mother told me my dad didn’t want me when I was a kid. So, I never tried to find him. She hated being tied down with a child. And then in a drunken stupor one day, she smacked me across the face and told me who my father was and that he didn’t even know about me. And then she said he was the lucky one and she left. I contacted my dad once when I was fourteen, but he was already on the Nexus. He wanted to come see me, but it’s not that simple, you know. On my sixteenth birthday, he finally told me he was coming back and…”
My eyes stung with tears. I didn’t know why. I’d never even met my father, but the hope of knowing him bubbled up inside me like the day was repeating itself. The hope of meeting him—of having one parent that wanted to know me—and the feeling of that hope being ripped away from me felt just as fresh and raw.
“He never showed up,” I continued. “I wasn’t even mad. Same shit, different day, right? Then a week later, his name was in the news. Perry Saint saved a shuttle full of people and died doing it. That was my dad and no one ever knew. I barely even knew it. But I started going by his name after that. Not for attention, I just… Harmon was my mother’s name and I didn’t want it. If I could pretend I was a Saint, even if I didn’t know my dad, I wanted to. Pretending to be like him is a whole lot better than the reality and the reality is I’m nothing.”
A hot tear slid down my cheek and fell on my lap. I slapped away a second tear and turned away from Vahko. When I pulled my hand from his, I felt like I was going to sink into the ground and suffocate. Now, shame was making me doubt everything between us.
Desperate to change the subject, I sniveled and dried my eyes.
