Page 82 of Across The Stars
“Ok. So? Is that good? Me going back?”
He didn’t answer me. He just sort of nodded, his eyes wandering again. A hint of dread ignited inside me.
“Really?” I said, disappointed that he wasn’t responding. Coward. Especially after dropping the “human experiments” bomb on me and making my mind mush.
And if he wasn’t speaking up to argue what I was saying, maybe it was best to be the one to state the obvious first. I’d feel less humiliated that way. If I’d been the one to break it off with Jason, the devastation wouldn’t have hit me like it did. If I’d run away from home instead of watching my mom leave, I’d have been in control. If I’d never gotten to know my father through our messages, I never would have missed those messages when he passed away. So, my walls went up. They went up really high.
“I mean, you’re a soldier. I’m a stripper and a fraud. I’m human and you’re valerian. That’s a lot of shit thrown together that doesn’t really fit. And… and your doctors got all the samples they need, right? I mean, would they need to take more at some point or are you all done with me?”
Please argue with me,I thought.Say something reassuring.
I was lying to myself about everything. I really didn’t want to leave, but it seemed outrageous to even suggest staying. And the fact that Vahko wasn’t talking made it worse. I locked my hands in my lap, picking at my nails and taking a deep breath just to remind myself how to breathe, but panic was an ugly thing and it was trying to break me.
“I’d like to keep you here for a couple more weeks,” he finally spoke up. “To know if you’re pregnant.”
My heart sank because there was a coldness to that statement. Only moments ago, he was smiling at me and telling me the mere thought of me made him come. What the hell did that woman in the lab really say to him?
I couldn’t even respond to him now. I just looked at my hands and nodded. I wished I was bold enough to ask him if that was what he wanted. Would he be glad if I was pregnant? Oh, Jesus. What if I was? I’d never even thought about having kids let alone half-alien ones. Would I just be another experiment at that point? Is that what he was getting at? Was this his way of protecting me somehow?
Hold your shit together, Innifer.
“So, I guess this is all just physical, right?” I asked. “Like we thought. Lust. That’s it.”
“It’s…” he paused. “Misunderstood. The tests will tell us more.”
“So… a couple weeks to see if I’m pregnant. And then I’m off. Gone. Just like that. And you’ll go back to being a ship captain doing military stuff.”
Keep. It. Together.
But that wasn’t happening. I was about to have a mental breakdown and I really didn’t want that to happen with Vahko there. I’d wanted to be the one in control of what I assumed was going to be a breakup, but instead, he’d stolen the reins like everyone else that had left me. The car was too small and theair too heavy for the kinds of internal struggles I was having. I looked over at the control panel in front of Vahko and smacked my hand over it. Something beeped and the glass shield over us slid out of place.
“Innifer,” Vahko said.
I jumped out of the car, the wind whipping my dress back and forth. I just needed to breathe. Not that it was any easier in that weather, but at least I wasn’t trapped in a little hover car.
“Innifer!” Vahko shouted over the winds.
I felt his hand grip my arm and tried to pull it free, but he spun me around, grasping my shoulders. I really hated being that overly emotional girl, but it was all coming to a head now.
“What if I’m pregnant?” I said. “What, you’ll surrender your life as a captain to be a father or will you just leave? What about me? Would I be forced to give birth and be a mom? I never planned for kids. I don’t know how to do that.”
“You wouldn’t have to. The child could be raised on Valer with the caretakers.”
“Are you serious?” I tugged from his grip. “Did you know I could get pregnant?”
“Hardly. We’ve never done real trials with crossbreeding.”
“Seriously!?”
“Innifer, what do you want me to say? I’m a soldier. This is the longest I’ve stayed in one place in a long time. I did not plan for this. All I’ve been doing for nearly fifteen cycles is learning never to expect a surge and I’ve done my best to focus on everythingbutthe possibility of a mate.”
“So, because you’ve prepared not to have a mate, you are just going to pretend nothing happened?”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“You said I had desirable qualities. ThatIwas desirable. I thought that meant this was more than scientific.”
“The gek attacked the outpost to get toyou. The Nexus is better protected. By humans, drones, and even valerians. And if it becomes too much of a problem, you can be sent back to Earth. You’d be safer there. For all we know, we’re entering into a war. I don’t know how to navigate this surge issue when I’m thinking about a war. About my responsibilities as a captain.”
