Page 41 of It Started with a Sunset
“A couple of days ago, my boss was talking about choosing one good thing over another and how when you make a choice, you are closing off all other options. What if I make the wrong choice and close off all others when I really shouldn’t have?”
“Do you really think you’re making the wrong choice by dating Brock?”
“No, but am I even qualified to make that decision? What in my life has given me experience in that? Even you agree that everything I do is short-term. Every hobby I start, every major I’ve had. I haven’t even kept my bedroom furniture arranged the same way for more than two months since I was six and found out that if sat with my back against the corner of my bed and pushed with all my might that I could move it.”
“Okay, but you aren’t that way with everything. You haven’t been that way with the Welcome Center.”
“But the Welcome Center will never ask me to commit to working there for life. A relationship is different. What if things change?”
“Like they did with your mom?”
“Like they did with Brock and his brother. What if things between Brock and me keep going really well and our relationship gets serious and we get engaged and then married and then someday things just changed and he stopped loving me?” Just the thought of it made her start breathing faster, her chest tightening.
“It’s not going to happen like that.”
“Sometimes it does and there’s nothing you can do about it.” She was suddenly feeling too hot, like the air was suffocating her. She started fanning her shirt.
“Would you be freaking out this much if it was someone other than Brock that we were talking about?”
“Of course not, because if it was anyone else, I wouldn’t care enough to freak out. Why is it so hot and what is wrong with this air? It’s like it doesn’t have enough oxygen in it.”
Valeria walked across the hall to Summer’s bathroom. “Are you okay?”
But then there were two bodies making heat in the small space, so Summer quickly stepped around her, sucking in the cooler air in the hallway. “I’m just dizzy and my insides are …I don’t know, shaking. Am I having a panic attack? Is this what a panic attack feels like?”
Valeria put an arm around her and led her into their living room. “Maybe? Here, sit down, close your eyes, and take slow, deep breaths.”
“There’s no way things with Brock could be right if it’s causing an anxiety attack.”
“I don’t think that’s a good method of knowing what is the right answer. Now shh. Deep breaths.”
“No, I’m canceling going with him to the tri-town meet-up tonight.”
“Just keep taking those deep breaths. You can decide that when you’re not so panicked. I know you wanted to show him your world and see how he fits in.”
“But maybe I shouldn’t be trying to do that at all. Maybe we shouldn’t be in each other’s worlds.”
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t know. That I need to take a step back or something. This is just too scary and too big.” She pulled out her phone and tried to focus on the screen even though it seemed blurry. Her fingers were shaking, so it made it hard to type, but she managed to send a text to Brock saying,I need to cancel tonight. Tomorrow, too. I just need space.
She tossed the phone to the other end of the couch and took the paper bag that apparently Valeria had gone into the kitchen to get. She tried to calm her breaths as she breathed into it, hoping it would calm her worried heart, too.
Chapter Eighteen
Brock
By Sunday afternoon, Brock’s mind felt like a jumbled mess that he could no longer untangle. So he grabbed his jacket and keys, got into his truck, and headed to the lake. There was something about being outside with the soft sounds of the water nearby that calmed his swirling thoughts and helped him to think more clearly. And if there was ever a time he needed exactly that, it was today.
He parked and headed down the incline to the lake. Instead of keeping to the groomed sandy beach, he headed to the weedy trail that led around it. As he walked, all the worries that he’d messed up the best thing he’d ever had in his life swirled around in his gut.
He’d texted Summer after she’d canceled on their plans to go to the tri-town meet-up and for a drive to look at fall leaves today, but she hadn’t texted back. He wanted to know that she was okay. He wanted to know if she needed anything and what he could do.
But since she hadn’t responded, he was just left with his own swirling thoughts.
He’d only had one girl tell him that she needed space once before—Jill—and that was during his sophomore year of high school. They’d both known that they were headed for a breakup, and those words had been her way of ending it as gently as possible.
But Summer’s words didn’t feel like that at all.
