Page 46 of It Started with a Sunset
He must’ve sensed her need, though, because he slid the camp chair off his shoulder and onto the sand, then started to take off his shoes and socks and roll up his pant legs. So she grinned and did the same. “You really are the best. Thanks, Dad.”
They both yelped as they stepped into the freezing water, and she hoped her feet would be numbed to the cold soon. Even as cold as it was, she could immediately feel tension and stress spilling out of her as they walked, the sand pushing up between her toes. There was just something about walking in water over sand that grounded her like nothing else.
“Did Mom want to come with you?” It had been so many years since she’d asked that question. She hadn’t even realized it was on her mind at all until it popped out.
He paused a moment before shaking his head. “She needed to recover from jet lag and said she’d been on a plane too recently.”
Summer had perfected not getting upset about answers like that a long time ago. She should’ve known to not even ask.
“Listen, sunshine, there are some things that I’ve felt like I should talk with you about for a while.”
They walked a few more steps in silence, maybe while he was figuring out how he was going to say what he wanted to say. Then he headed over to their camp chairs, pulled them out of their cases, and set them upright at the water’s edge. They both took a seat, and she played in the sand with her toes under the shallow water as she waited for him to continue.
Eventually, he took a deep breath and said, “Not everyone is cut out to be a mom. Even beyond that, your mom has some pretty big issues that she’s had to grapple with over the years. And those issues have absolutely nothing to do with you.” He said each word slowly, dragging it out in emphasis.
On the surface, she knew that. It wasn’t the first time she’d heard it. But it was the first time his words had entered so deeply into her heart, sinking their way right into her core. It was the first time she realized how much she hadn’t really believed it ever before. At least not fully.
“With as little as me and your mom were home while you were growing up, I hired a bunch of people to help. Do you remember Charlie, the groundskeeper?”
She nodded.
“And Jules and Reina were maids.”
“And Melissa.”
“Oh yeah! I forgot about her. And then there were your nannies.”
Summer nodded. “Zora, Morgan, Jenny, and then Natalie.”
“I remember when you were a little girl and you used to do Summergrahams for all of them. Do you remember those?”
She laughed. “Yeah. I did one about six weeks ago, actually.”
“Why does that not surprise me? You’re always so good at looking out for everyone’s feelings. I wish I had been around more to look out for your feelings.” He paused for a moment. “All those people, though, Summer? Your nannies, the people helping with the yard and the house? They were paid to doa job. They weren’t paid to love you. But oh, how they all loved you. Everybody you came into contact with loved you.”
A tear fell from her eye and ran down her cheek and she didn’t even care.
“Then, of course, there came a time when you got old enough that you didn’t need a nanny anymore. But that was at an age when you still needed parents.” He reached out and gave her hand a squeeze. “I’m sorry I didn’t understand that well enough back then. And I’m sorry that everyone I brought into your life to love you was only temporary. I should’ve been around more. I wish I would’ve understood back then just how important family is.”
“I really wished I could’ve had you around a lot more, too. But the truth is, Dad, I forgave you for not being around a long time ago.” As soon as she said the words, though, she started questioning them. She had consciously forgiven him. But had her subconscious fully gotten the memo? Or was she still subconsciously rebelling against what he wanted for her? She was going to have to think more about that sometime.
He gave her hand another squeeze before he let go again. They both sat in silence, looking at the edge of the water as it gently washed over her feet and lapped at the shore.
“So, based on what little I saw in the Welcome Center, I’m guessing that your tough time right now has to do with you and Brock?”
Summer nodded. “What if I don’t have what it takes to be in a serious relationship?”
He placed his hands in his lap. “I can’t offer you any great relationship advice, but I can tell you what I know aboutyou. You love fiercely and fully and you’re one of the most loyal people I know. You genuinely care about others and want what’s best for them. I can’t imagine any qualities that are needed more in a long-term relationship than that. If anyone has what it takes, it’s you.”
She swallowed the emotion welling up inside her. Did she really have what it took? Her dad might not have been around nearly enough, but he never once lied to her. So maybe she did have what it took and she never knew it.
“Were you scared to death when your’s and Mom’s relationship first started getting really serious?”
“Oddly enough, no. But this isn’t about me. Tell me what’s making you scared.”
She took a breath and decided to just spill it all. “Okay. Well, I guess some people might say that I have a fear of commitment.” She paused a moment. “Okay, several people said it. But it doesn’t really feel like that to me. It’s more that I’m afraid of closing off all other possibilities and being worried that maybe I made the wrong decision and I shouldn’t have.
“And then, I guess I’m worried about the possibility that I won’t feel loved somewhere down the road. Or what if he isn’t always there for me? Mom committed to loving me when she had me, then she decided she wanted different things out of life. What if Brock decided later that he wanted different things?”
