Page 107 of Howl for Me
I press my lips to hers, soft and slow, every ounce of me pouring into that kiss. Even though I want more. Even though the way she sighs into me almost undoes the last thread of control I have, I keep it tender. Because she deserves tenderness, especially after what that asshole did to her lip. Because this kiss isn’t about me, it’s about her. I pull back, just enough to breathe her in, to look into her eyes and say the truth I should’ve said weeks ago.
“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” I admit, my thumb brushing her cheek. “I should’ve said something. I was wrong for staying quiet.”
That’s when she steps back. Just a few inches. But it feels like a chasm.
“What are we doing, Johnny?” she asks, her voice tight. Uncertain.
“We’re being honest,” I say, jaw clenched. “Or at least I am. I want you, Cass. I’ve felt it since the first damn day. I tried to fight it, I really did, but I don’t care anymore.”
Her lips part, like she wants to say something, to stop me, but she doesn’t.
“This can’t happen,” she finally says, quiet but firm. “Not with the tight line you’re walking after tonight. Hector is this close to pulling your contract, Johnny. If he finds out about this…about us... he won’t stand for it.”
I take a step closer. “Fuck Hector. Fuck the contract. I’m not asking about him. I’m asking you. How do you feel about me?”
She flinches like I struck something raw inside her. “It doesn’t matter…”
“How do you feel about me, Cass?”
“I like you, okay?” she snaps, eyes flashing. “There. I said it.”
I feel my heartbeat thunder against my ribs.
“I like being around you,” she continues, softer now, like the truth costs her something. “When I’m with you, I don’t want to leave. That kiss? That’s something I’ve wanted for a long time. And it scares me, Johnny, because your soul is on the line. Hector won’t hesitate to take it, and then what?”
I exhale, shaking my head, stepping close enough that I can feel the warmth of her again.
“I don’t care,” I tell her. “My soul saw yours the first day we met. You don’t understand, Cass, I lost my soul that day. It belongs to you now.”
Her eyes shimmer, her head shaking like she’s trying to push my words away. “That’s too much.”
“Is it?” I ask. “Because I can pretend it’s not. If that’ll make you happy. I can pretend I’m not completely in love with you. I can play it cool. I can act like this is nothing but a crush or a fling, if that makes this easier for you.”
She doesn’t answer. She just stands there, eyes wide and wet, like everything inside her is unraveling.
“But I need you to know something,” I say, voice low, steady. “You’re my mate. My heart? That’s yours. And there’s nothing I can do about that.” I pause.
“So if you want me to pretend…” I force a small, crooked smile. “Then fine, I’ll take this as slow as you need me to,” I say. “But I’m not going anywhere. And I don’t give a fuck about Hector.”
She smiles, soft and sad. “I don’t need you to pretend,” she whispers. “I just need you to understand.”
My jaw tightens. “Understand what? What is there to understand? I want you and you want me. Why can’t that happen? Why are you making this so difficult?”
Her smile fades, and the heat behind her eyes turns sharp, angry and wounded. “Because, Johnny,” she says, voice shaking, “do you understand that I’ll lose my job? That you could lose your soul? And I don’t even think either of us really understands what that means. You can say you don’t care, but what if that means he takes you from me? Then what?”
She swallows hard, and I feel every inch of her pain like a knife in my ribs.
“I’d rather have you like it was before,” she continues, her voice cracking, “than risk losing you completely. So yeah, we can be honest tonight. We can say what we feel. But that’s it. We have to leave it there.”
I feel my body tense. My fists clench at my sides.
“This can’t happen,” she whispers. “I’m sorry.”
She takes a shaky breath, her hands fidgeting at her sides like she’s trying to keep herself from falling apart. “This is just howmy life is. I finally found someone that makes me feel like I want all those things I’ve always run from, and I can’t have him.”
Her voice breaks completely then, and the tears spill down her cheeks. I step toward her without thinking. I can't stand there and do nothing when she’s unraveling in front of me. I pull her in gently, resting my forehead to hers. I know she’s right. God, it kills me, but she is. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to let ourselves fall into this when Hector could rip me away from her at any moment. When the cost of being with her might be leaving her behind, unprotected and alone. And that? That’s a risk I can’t live with.
“Then fine,” I whisper. “Let me kiss you one more time. We’ll go back to what we were before. But that won’t change how I feel.”
