Page 97 of Lethal Devotion
My vision is fading, darkness creeping in from all sides, but I can still see her face. Sienna, with her strawberry-blonde hair and those green eyes that see right through me. Sienna, who looked at a monster like me and somehow saw something worth saving. Sienna, who offered me everything and got nothing in return but my cowardice.
I should have told her.I should have said the words that have been burning in my chest every time I’ve touched her. I should have told her that somewhere along the way, between the forced marriage and the sleepless nights and the way she looked at me like I was her hero instead of her captor, I fell in love with her.
I should have told her that she changed me, that she made me want to be better than what I am. I should have told her that the thought of her with another man makes me want to burn the world down. I should have told her that I'd rather spend one day as her husband than a lifetime without her.
But I didn't. I walked away instead. I chose fear over love, chose what I thought was noble over what I actually wanted.
And now it's too late.
My vision narrows, darkness creeping in at the edges, and I can barely make out Konstantin's face above me. He's saying something, probably calling for backup, for a medic, but I have a feeling it’s too late. That I'm going to die in this shithole safe house, surrounded by the bodies of my enemies, and Sienna will never know how I really felt about her. She'll never know that in the end, she was the only thing that mattered. She'll never know that my last thought wasn't of the violence or the blood or the life I'm leaving behind.
My last thought is of her smile. Of her freckles, scattered across her skin like a constellation, and how it felt to trace them.
Sienna. My wife. My little wildcat.
I’m sorry.
I wish, as numbness sweeps over me and my vision goes dark, that somehow she’ll know all the same that I loved her. That despite everything I said, despite all the ways I pushed her away, she was the best thing that ever happened to me.
That she was worth fighting for, and I was just too broken to realize it until it was too late.
26
SIENNA
The soft golden light of the lamps in the Abramovs’ living room should be soothing, as should the sound of Adam’s soft “vroom” noises as he plays with his toy cars and the clink of Valentina’s teacup as she sips and reads, but it’s not. None of it is.
Valentina said that she didn’t have much information on where Damian and Konstantin went, but we both know that they went after Russo. And all I can think, sitting on the couch and unable to concentrate on anything else, is that the last conversation Damian and I had could be the last one weeverhave, if he doesn’t come home.
And even if he does, it will be one of the last ones, all the same. Because once he comes back, once Russo is gone, our marriage will be over.
Just thinking it makes me feel as if my heart is being torn in half all over again.
I keep replaying the conversation in my head, over and over again. Trying to think what I could have said differently—but I didn’t want to beg him to let me stay, to keep me. I wanted him to want that too, so badly that there was no other choice for him.
I understand why he’s afraid. Why peace can seem so muchscarier than the violence he’s lived with all his life. But he let that fear win.
Even though Iknowhe feels differently.
He looked me in the eye and told me he couldn't be with me, that our marriage was temporary, that I deserved better than him. I watched the man I love disappear down the hallway like I meant nothing to him. But I know better. I've seen the way he looks at me when he thinks I'm not watching. I've felt the reverence in his touch, heard the way his breath catches when I say his name. Damian Kutnezsov is many things—brutal, dangerous, closed off—but he's not a good liar. At least not when it comes to his feelings for me.
“You’re thinking very loudly.” Valentina looks over at me. “They’ll come home. They always do.”
I swallow hard. “And then I’ll have to leave,” I say it quietly enough that Adam can’t hear me over thevroomingof the cars. I haven’t said anything to him yet—I’m not sure how. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
“You don’t know that for sure,” Valentina says quietly, but I can hear the doubt in her voice. It pokes at the already bleeding wound in my heart.
“He thinks he’s not good enough for me. That he’s too old, too damaged, too violent. He thinks that I care that we couldn’t have more children.” I bite my lip. “I don’t care about any of it. He’s not like that withme.”
Valentina lets out a soft huff. “Men are idiots.”
I look at her with surprise. “What about Konstantin?”
She shrugs elegantly. “He can be an idiot too, sometimes. Do you know how long it took me to get him into my bed, even after we were married? Far too long. They have their own ideas about things. Their own stubborn patterns. It’s up to us to show them why they’re wrong.”
“Konstantin realized he was wrong.”
“He did,” Valentina affirms. “But it took a long time and a lot of… other things. Complications.” She laughs softly, giving me a sympathetic look. "Damian is scared, Sienna. Men like our husbands... they're not used to softness. They don't know how to handle it when someone sees past their walls."
