Page 31 of Worth the Risk
I know she doesn’t let people in easily, what she didn’t realize is that I would take anything she would give me. Whatever pieces of herself she felt me worthy of, I would greedily take them and it would be more than enough. It would be everything. Now if she would just give me the time of day I could tell her all this. I would also tell her that it doesn’t matter how many times she wants to push me away, I’ve been pushed into the boards plenty of times in my hockey career. I can take a hit.
That thought had me smiling as I walked into the high school's ice rink. I had the team on a schedule and we started meeting twice a week to lift weights and scrimmaging to get into playing condition. When I told them this was the schedule I was prepared for some groaning and complaining but these boys seemed excited to be getting to work and putting in the hours. They’re already out on the ice when I walk in. I drop some things off at my office and then start looking over the pre-season schedule and planning out some community outreach.
Mary Holloway was big on community while all us kids were growing up, we all volunteered and were present at most town events. These boys will be too. It will also keep them out of trouble—mostly. I can tell which ones I’m going to have my hands full with. I lace up my skates and get out onto the ice with them. My knee is getting stronger, but it still hurts after my morning run and I have to ice it after every practice.
Two hours later, I dismiss my team and gather my things. I’ve decided I’ll be making a visit to Winnie’s tonight. If she thinks she can hide from me I’ll have to prove to her that I don’t mind taking on the challenge.
Ifeel like I’ve been hit by a truck…and that’s coming from someone who was actually hit by a truck once. It was just backing up in a parking lot and I should have been paying better attention but still, it knocked me over. This though, this felt like my bones had bruises and those bruises had bruises. I left work this morning because I could feel the beginnings of migraine coming on. I had already made most of the pastries for the day so I felt confident in leaving Anna to man the register and then close early. I barely made it home before it hit in full force. I changed into my most comfortable pajamas and lay on the couch in my living room with a cool wash cloth covering my eyes for the rest of the day.
When I finally checked the time it was 6:30pm and there was a thunderstorm rolling in. I called Mare and she told me she would come over if I needed her to. I don’t like to ask anyone to take care of me. I get migraines once a month, sometimes more.I think it’s caused by my anxiety and it’s been creeping to a higher level lately. I have been instructed to take a pain reliever and call her if I get any worse. I don’t think I could possibly feel worse. My eyes were watery and my face was flushed. My hair was in a bun on top of my head and I was sweaty…then cold…then sweaty and cold. Miserable. At least I had a valid excuse for avoiding Rhett now.
He had called and texted a few times and even came by the bakery. I knew it was only a matter of time before I ran into him but I just wasn’t quite ready for the conversation that no doubt would end in Rhett wanting something I wasn’t sure I was willing to give him and my heart still somehow ending up broken. No, putting it off as long as possible was for the best, not the best for my anxiety, but for my heart. It didn’t matter how much time passed, I was still a moth to his flame. A moth that had pined for the flame for over 15 years even though the flame had shown interest in the moth, but the moth was afraid that the flame would get tired of it’s emotional baggage and leave.
Yes, I was still that moth. I let out a groan from the physical pain I was feeling but also the emotional turmoil I kept putting myself in.
I peel myself off the couch and walk into the kitchen in search of the bottle of ExcedrinPM I know I have in the cupboard. Maybe I can just sleep this thing off and maybe I could sleep through the storm, too. Thunderstorms still make me anxious. Not near as bad as those first few years after my parents died, but it still gives me a bad feeling. They were driving home from date night, just like they did every week. Colt and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. Since he had turned 15 the winter before we stopped getting a sitter. It was just me and him there when mom’s sister, Aunt Sarah, showed up and said we had to get to the hospital right away. It had been storming that night, too. I feel physically ill thinking about how much of a brat I had been.
I think I used to like storms, the thunder sounding in the distance and rain spattering on our roof. I think I used to like that, but I can’t really remember. It’s been too long since I found any of the things that accompany a storm comforting.
I think my medicine is starting to kick in because I’m starting to feel a little fuzzy. My mind wanders back to Rhett as it does most days…more so now that he’s back in town and messing with my head. It was so much easier when he was away. It’s really not fair. I’m going to have to watch him find a woman he wants to marry, move her into the big beautiful house he just bought, be a fantastic husband to her, have babies with her.
Oh, God…I’m going to have to move aren’t I? But I love my house. There’s still so much I want to fix about it but I love my little house. It’s the first thing I’ve had that was just mine. Something physical to show for all my hard work over the years. I don’t want to give it up but I’m not sure what else to do.
My head is pounding still. It feels like someone is knocking from inside my head. I can feel the vibrations. I hear knocking and then my name, I giggle at that. Now they’re even calling my name. I think I can hear a doorbell. Wait, was that my doorbell?
“Winnie! Open up! I know you’re in there and I really need to talk to you.” Huh? I open my eyes and look around my living room. Knocking again.
“I can wait here all night if I have to but it’s starting to rain so I’d rather come in!” Is that Rhett? Oh, jeeze…why is he here? I’m really not up for a heart to heart right now. I stand and get a head rush.
“Hold on, I’m coming. Please quit knocking.” I sound as awful as I feel, I try to speak loud enough for him to hear me, but I can’t force my voice any louder. I unlock the bolt and sliding chain and open the door and let out a whine. There standing on my porch in the rain, is Rhett Holloway looking like he belongs on the cover of a magazine, which he has beenon the cover of plenty of magazines and hockey calendars. Just another inadequacy between us. One other being the walls I’ve built around my heart and his open borders.
“What are you doing here, Rhett?”
“Jeezes, Winnie. You look awful—well you’re always beautiful but you look sick.”
“Did you come here to charm my pants off? Because the insults are really working for me.” That gets me an eye roll.
“When Anna told me you were sick this morning I thought it was another excuse. What’s wrong?” So he had noticed…
“Headache,” I say as blandly as possible.
“It seems like more than a headache, Winnie.” He retorts. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I give him a confused look.
“Why would I tell you?”
“Well for one, I’ve been calling and texting and was starting to think you must be ignoring me…” He gives me a very pointed look. “…but also because someone should be taking care of you.”
“I’m fine, Rhett. I can take care of myself.”
“It’s not that I don’t think you can, darlin’. I just don’t want you to have to.”Darlin’.Hearing him say that sparks a memory. Honeybee had been my nickname since I was 13, butDarlin’,he only started calling me that after he kissed me at the lake eight years ago.
“Why are you calling me that?” I snap and he sighs.
“Would you just let me in? It’s raining and I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Uhhhg…fine.” I open the door all the way and steps into my home. He looks around and surveys my cramped space.
“I like it. It’s very you.”
