Page 82 of Worth the Want
I’m angry, and I’m still devastated. I’ve had it explained to me by multiple professionals in plenty of different rooms. They were all wrong though. My pain didn’t come in waves like they said it would. My pain is the sea, and every memory is an undertow. I was constantly being pulled under by reminders, and everything reminds me of her.
I climb into the bed, cocooning myself inside the blankets. I need to start being honest with the people whom I’ve come to care about so deeply. They deserve that. And maybe if I can be honest with them, I can start being honest with myself. Closing my eyes, I think the words that I still haven’t been able to say out loud. Words that were said to me almost a year ago that, now that I’ve started to feel things again, bubble up to the surface.
My sister is dead.
“You had every opportunity. Igaveyou every opportunity.” My hand grips my cell phone so tightly, I think I could crush it with one squeeze.
“That’s not good enough, and now it will be up to me if I think it’s in Hazel’s best interest.” As calmly as I can, I set the device down on my desk.
I stare at my phone screen, as if doing so will grant me some clarity. I’ve already started to run through the conversation in my head over again, and it’s still not helping me make sense of it. After all these years—why now? When Emily passed, I went to them. I swallowed my pride and gave them a chance after they weren’t there for their daughter. My first instinct is to go on the defensive. Let my lawyer brain take over and handle this like I would any other case. But ultimately, I know that’s not what I should do.I have to think of my daughter.
I gather my things from my office in a daze; my mind turning over information. They weren’t there. They have no idea how awful it was to watch. How hard it was to make a way forward after. The more I marinate in my thoughts, the angrierI become. They don’t get to decide it’s worth it now. It should never have been a decision.
My heart rate has picked up, and I’m sure my blood pressure is spiking. I need to get home. I need to see Hazel.
If, for some reason, a judge has to get involved, I won’t be representing myself. Very few times does that work out, so I start drafting an email to an old lawyer friend of mine, but my laptop dies in the middle of typing it. Leaning onto the desk, I press my palms into my eyes, trying to contain my frustration. I couldn’t find my charger this morning because Indie was using it last and left it somewhere I’m sure it doesn’t belong. These little quirks of hers are really inconvenient today.
“Knox?” a voice calls from the hallway. Cora. Sometimes I forget she’s here.
I blow out a breath. “Hey, Cora. Did you need something?”
“Just checking in. You’ve been quiet in here today. Trouble with the girlfriend?” The side of her mouth quirks up like she’s hopeful.
“I’m always quiet, and no trouble. Thanks for your concern.” After our run-in at the bar, I’ve tried to keep my distance even more than usual.
She leans against the door jamb, crossing her arms over her chest. “You can talk to me, you know. You used to talk to me.” She sulks. I’m not sure what she’s remembering exactly, but we never really talked—unless it was about work. Cora was someone who seemed to understand that I didn’t want a relationship, or maybe that was just something I had hoped she understood. I’m feeling the need to clarify, but I don’t want any hurt feelings, especially since we work together.
“I appreciate the offer, Cora, and that you’ve always beensuch a goodfriend,but I need to get going. Have a good evening.”
“Sure.” She gives me a soft, slightly sad smile as she slips from the room. I grab my things and head for the door.
“Oh, and Happy Birthday!” she yells from her office.
“Thank you.”What a birthday it’s turned out to be.
Glad to be out of the office and taking in some fresh air after the afternoon I’ve had, I’m almost to my truck when I hear my name being called again. It takes everything in me not to groan aloud. I’m barely hanging on.
“Hey, Knox!” I see Jeanie running toward me from her dance studio. Running isn’t really necessary, seeing as I stopped walking as soon as she yelled my name, but she continues to do so.
“Jeanie. What can I do for you?”
“Oh, it's nothing. I just wanted to see if you could sign this form for me.”
“What kind of form?” I ask, confused about why she would need one from me.
“For Hazel. We got her application a couple of days ago, but there were a few things missing, and one was the parent signature,” she tells me, smiling.What? I guess this is just the day of blindsides.
“I’m sorry, Jeanie. I think there must be a mistake. I didn’t sign her up for dance.”
“You didn’t? One of my new interns said a young woman dropped off the papers last week. Well, we have a spot open for her.” I grit my teeth.She said she would drop it.
“Could I get back to you? I need to be somewhere, but I’ll stop by sometime next week.”
“Sure. That will be just fine. I’m excited to have her in class. She’s such a bright little girl.”
“She is. Thank you,” I say and nod once before opening my truck door and heading home.Did she really go behind my back and do this?After I specifically told her I would decide and take care of it. It feels like she’s constantly pushing my boundaries. Sometimes it’s not so bad, a bathroom drawer reorganized or my entire kitchen rearranged. Other times, it’s not listening and going behind my back. I could probably even get over that if it didn’t have to do with Hazel.
I have a schedule, and we have a routine, and she can’t just come in and change everything. Not without asking, not without communicating. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand that.
