Page 84 of Worth the Want
“Daddy was mean,” Hazel says quietly, making me feel even smaller than I did a second ago.
Florence steps forward, out of the group, looking like she’s about to rip me a new one. “Isigned Hazel up for dance class,” she announces. My eyebrows shoot to the ceiling.
“Yousigned her up? Why would you do that?”
“Because she’s been telling me, and anybody who will listen, for months that she loves dancing and wants to be a ballerina.” That’s true. She’s been twirling around everywhere she goes. “I also told Jeanie to run it by you before I brought it up to Hazel, but if you want to be an ass to anyone it should be me, I guess.” She looks at my daughter. “Sorry, Hazey. It definitely shouldn’t be the woman who devoted the last month to planning a surprise party for you. Making sure the beer you like is available and who spent hours practicing baking blackberry cobbler with Winnie. Not to mention asking your family to clear the whole night so we could celebrate you.” She pauses, taking a breath and looking around the room before landingback on me. “You’re my brother, Knox, and I love you,andyou were incredibly awful to someone who really cares about you just now. Someone who really cares about Hazel.”
Being reprimanded by my baby sister on my forty-second birthday is not at all how I imagined my night going when I left my office. I deserve it though. I can’t believe how awful I was to Indie just now. After she’s gone to all this trouble. For me. Had I really said she had beeninsertingherself into my life? As if her wanting to be a part of my life isn’t exactly what I want from her. Indie does things for people she cares about. I’m lucky enough to be one of those people, and I’ve just taken what she gave and used it as a weapon against her.
I need to see her. “Thank you all for being here, but if you’ll excuse me I?—”
“Need to apologize to Indiana before she decides not to give your ass a chance? Yeah, we’ll excuse you,” Winnie says from my other side, her eyes are threatening.
Rhett stands behind her as backup; he gives me a shake of his head. “Good luck, brother.” I nod at him. Needing the luck that he’s offering.
I look at the faces of all the people I love, only there’s one missing. One I want to see mixed in with the rest for as long as I live.
“We’ll take Hazey home with us, son. Come by tomorrow for lunch,” my dad tells me as he walks toward the back of the house. It's not a request, and his words cause shame to boil over inside me. What he just witnessed is not a good representation of who he raised me to be.
I can see all the cars parked out back now as everyone makes their way to the back door until it’s just me and the messthat I’ve made. Not only did I just make a horrible mistake, but my whole family got a surround sound performance of it. And Indie.Fuck. She just stood there while I railed at her, letting all my frustrations and insecurities get the best of me and push them onto her.
Stepping forward to Hazel, I take her little hand in mine. “I’ll see you tomorrow, dragonfly. I love you babygirl.” I drop a kiss onto her sweet head before Alder gives her to my mom.
“I love you, Daddy. You need say sorry.”
“You’re right, lovebug. And I’m going to.”
“You deserve to be happy, Knox. You know as well as I do that things can change in a heartbeat. Don’t let it get away from you.” It’s Ivy’s words that seem to hit me the hardest. Having lived through all she has, including her accident up on the mountain this past winter, her words hold a lot of weight. I dip my chin in acknowledgment.
I’m down the front steps and running for her house in the next minute, praying she’ll forgive me. I’ve made mistakes in my life, but I refuse to make letting Indie go be one of them. I’m almost halfway when a flash of color catches my eye. The yellow bandanna she had tied in her hair is now on the side of the main road, next to the path down to the dock. I stop to pick it up when Sally runs by me, down toward the water.
“Sally!” I call.Come on, girl. I don’t have time for this.I follow her, wiping the rain from my eyes when I notice the small figure out at the end of the dock.
“Indie?” I yell to her. She turns, the look on her face in stark contrast to the woman I’ve come to know, come to love.
“Indie Baby, you’re shaking.”
“D-don’t. You don’t n-need to check on m-me. I-I’ll be fine, Knox. I can handle myself. I’ll stay out of your business and y-you can stay out of m-mine.” Her words are stuttered. I’m not sure if it’s from the cold rain soaking through her dress or because she’s been crying. Whatever the cause, it doesn’t change the effect it has on me. My chest feels cracked open; her pain is my pain.
“I’m so sorry, Honey. More sorry than I can even say. That wasn’t fair of me, and it wasn’t really about you,” I say pathetically. My words falling flat in contrast with how appalling they were earlier.
“It s-sounded like it was about me. I c-can’t—I can’t be someone else, Knox. This is how I am—whoI am. I do have trouble with boundaries b-but I d-didn’t, I wouldn’t do something like that with Hazel without your p-p-permission.” She’s so beautiful, but my heart breaks at her wounded expression.
“I know. I should never have said that. I should never have said any of that, and I promise you, I didn’t mean it. I can’t believe I—Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I just want you, exactly as you are.” My words do nothing to change the haunting expression she stares back at me with. “Can we go inside? You’re gonna get sick out here, and I’ll take care of you if you do, but I don’t want you to be in any pain.”
“Iamin pain though, Knox.” The crack in her voice splits me in two.
“I never wanted to hurt you like this. I—I’m so sorry,” I try again.
She shakes her head. It’s stiff and stilted but adamant.
“That’s not—I’ve been lying to you. I’ve been lying to everyone.” She throws her arms wide, and then the sobs come. Racking her body. “I’m broken, Knox. I’m so deeply broken.” I need to touch her. I want to hold her to me, protect her from whatever this is.
“What do you mean, Indie? Let’s go inside and talk about it. Get you some dry clothes, okay?”
She nods and walks past me; I follow her up to the guesthouse.
“It’s going to be alright, Honey.”
