Page 70 of Dream Chaser
“And then there was Barry the Bird Guy,” Matthew cuts her off.
Remington roars out in a laugh, “Fucking Barry!”
CJ adds, “The guy had a parrot who repeated everything he said in therapy.”
Matthew continues, “We’re still not convinced it wasn’t a wire.”
Remington snorts. “What kind of man brings a bird to a brunch date with your family, Iz?”
CJ answers for her, “A man withcriminal intentions, that’s who.”
Something hits the wall, and then Iz yells, “Okay, first of all, none of those guys came home with me because?—”
“He read erotic poetry while playing a ukulele,” Matthew cuts her off again.
I need to brush up on my piano playing. Who am I kidding? I took lessons for two years and totally sucked.
Remington laughs again, obviously enjoying himself. “God, Izzy, I just … I just want more for you.”
CJ’s voice is softer now when he states, “You deserve a man who doesn’t name his bicycle after a Greek goddess.”
Matthew’s next. “Or one who doesn’t have a gluten intolerance so severe he carries around his own toaster.”
Remington chimes in again, “Or one who doesn’t say ‘I love you’ on the third date after asking to borrow rent money.”
CJ’s next. “Jesus, Iz, your dating history is a federal indictment.”
Iz again, this time flat-out pleading, “I just moved in. Let me live. Also, none of you areactuallyneighbors; you’re just camped in the building next-door because you can’t stay out of mine or each other’s business. Anyone’s actually. And?—”
“Yeah, well,” Remington talks over the last bit, “we had to build a privacy fence after Barry showed up with birdseed in your yard.”
CJ corrects him, “Birdseedanda ukulele.”
Matthew snickers. “Barry was a two-for-one trauma combo.”
Remington chuckles. “I was ready to call animal control and a therapist.”
“You three are such?—”
“Point is,” CJ cuts her off again, “we’re thrilled you’re here. But also, if you’re hiding some new internet rando in there, wewillfind out.”
Matthew inserts, “And interrogate him—thoroughly.”
Remington adds, “Starting with: does he have a job, a license, and the ability to name all four Ninja Turtles?”
What the fuck?
“Get! Out!” Iz yells.
But CJ keeps on going. “Does he know CPR? Basic knots? Has he ever fought a bear?”
“Haveyouever fought a bear, CJ?” she snaps.
“I have,” Remington states like its fact. I bet it is.
Matthew states, “If his shoes are off, we’re checking the sock situation.”
Remington agrees, “We also need to check out his Spotify Wrapped. No man who ranked ‘creepy flutes’ or any instrumental pieces deserves a second date.”
