Page 36 of Full Tilt
“You’re the one who doesn’t do one-night stands…” Theo said. “Something I’ll never get.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, if you want to get laid, get laid. I just don't want another Audrey situation. I don’t want some chick to bail on you when you need her to fucking stick around.”
“Neither do I,” I said. “What Audrey did…it hurt, but I wasn’t in love with her.”
We’d come to a red light. Theo turned in his seat. “What?”
“I loved Audrey, but I wasn’t in love with her.” I listened to my own words, waiting for some pain to follow. But the only pain wasn’t for what I had with Audrey and lost, but for something I never had at all. “I’ve never been in love.”
Theo’s eyes widened. “You weren’t in love with Audrey? Really? Because you sure spent a shitload of time with her.”
“I loved her, but she didn’t…consume me. I didn’t lose my train of thought when she walked into a room, or feel that feeling you get…” I shook my head, searching for the words. “We were a good match.”Like a pair of shoes,I thought. “But I didn’t have thatfeeling.”
“What feeling?” Theo asked dubiously.
“That feeling you’re supposed to have when you’re with the woman you’re in love with. I can’t describe that feeling because I’ve never felt it. Have you?”
Theo gave me an arch look. “I’m saving myself for marriage.”
I snorted a laugh. “I think you’ve got that backward.”
Theo’s eyes hardened again. “So, you weren’t in love with Audrey. And you’re having this revelation now? Because of Kacey?”
I turned my eyes to my window. “I just met her for chrissakes. No, I just meant…since we’re on the subject. It’s something I missed. Being in love.”
“You haven’tmissedit,” Theo said. “You might not be missing anything. If you’d go back to Morrison and get another biopsy…”
I sighed, exhausted from having this same conversation for the millionth time.
“What would happen if I did? I would find a miracle waiting for me? The atherosclerosis isn’t going to reverse itself.”
“No, but it might've slowed the fuck down, or stopped altogether. Maybe you have longer than you think. A lot longer. If you weren't so goddamn pessimistic…”
He held on to a hope that wasn’t there, but I knew the truth. I felt it in the marrow of my bones, in the weakening pulse of my heart, its walls and passageways hardening slowly like cooling glass.
“If I get another biopsy,” I said, “I’d lose at least one full day at the shop.”
Theo said nothing and anger flamed red hot in me.
“I’ll go back after the gallery opening, okay? Dammit, Theo, I’m just trying to talk about somethingrealfor a goddamn change. I miss having someone in my life. I’m not selfish; I know it’s too late now. But I missed it and it sucks, okay?”
“Yeah, man,” Theo said, retreating to a quieter tone. “That's cool. We've just never talked about it before. About what you want.”
“You mean what I want before I die? You can say it, Theo. I wish you would.”
“What for?” he snapped. “What fucking good does that doanyone?”
“Me. It does me good. So I don't feel like…”
“What?”
So goddamn alone.
We pulled into the parking lot of the hot shop and Theo killed the engine. He sat straight, eyes forward as he spoke.
“Look, if you want or need anything… just tell me, okay? You're always saying don't bucket-list me. But if there’s something you want and I can give it to you, tell me, okay? Anything at all.”
Dying, I learned, is a not a team sport. It’s a solitary endeavor. Everyone I loved was standing on dry land, while I was alone on a boat as it slowly pulled away from the shore, and there’s nothing anyone could do about it but watch it happen.
I immediately felt shitty for letting my anger out on Theo or telling him what I missed or wanted or could never have. What were they but just another burden for him to carry? One more thing he could do nothing about. The pain of it was written in every line of his face.
