Page 11 of All In
Sort of.
Isort offunctioned. I held jobs that didn’t require sobriety. I kept to my routine, part of which was downing a nightcap, checking the morning flask, and curling up next to the orb to tell Jonah about my day.
I lay down on the bed, my body feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds. I rested my aching head on the white duvet and curled my body around the orb. Knees up, arms curved, I pulled the universe snug against my chest, cradling it to my heart.
“Rufus, the owner…he says they want me at Le Chacal more than once a week. Word’s gotten out. But I have a routine, right? Four different clubs, four nights. No getting too attached to any one venue.” I closed my eyes for a moment as the shame swamped me. “But I can’t do more. I can’t keep going like this. It’s killing me. I have to quit, don’t I? But I don’t know how.”
Help me, Jonah.
“Big Easy…I told you about him, right?” I sniffed, wiped my nose on my sleeve. “He’s the bartender at Le Chacal. Remember? I call him Sherlock sometimes, because he’s always trying to find out about me. Asking about friends or family. He worries about me. He wants to know where I came from or who…who to call. He wants to call someone. I know he does. He thinks I need help.”
I closed my eyes to hear the words aloud and tried to press them down with everything else.
“There’s no one to call. It would only worry them. Or mess up their lives.”
What a crock. Henry and Teddy and Beverly were probably already worried.
I focused my bleary gaze to the orb. As always, I felt myself being sucked in, lost in the dark expanses of stardust and the glowing swirls of illumination ringing the lonely planet. I searched for Jonah there, held the orb tighter in my arms as the tears fell unheeded.
Unending.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice a watery croak. “I left. Your mom…and Teddy. I didn’t want to. People shouldn’t leave, I know that. I should know better than anyone. But I couldn’t stay. And I’m so sorry. For leaving and for failing you. Iamthe drowned girl. I’m drowning, Jonah. I need you back. Please come back…”
My stomach clenched at the effort it took to hold back the grief, terrified of what would happen if I succumbed to it.
I wrapped myself tight around the orb, completing the last step of my routine. Every night I held the orb and begged Jonah to come back, tears leaking from my eyes as if from a dam that was ready to burst. I cried and begged until the booze dragged me down into the black depths far beneath the surface.
Every night, I called one final thought into the deep darkness:Come back to me.
And just before the dark consumed me, a whisper returned:My angel, let me go…
CHAPTER
THREE
Friday afternoon and Vegas Ink was as packed as the tiny place could get. Zelda, Edgar, and I worked nonstop, the buzzing of our needles competing with pulsing electronica music—Friday was Zelda’s turn to pick music.
Vivian manned the front desk, answering calls and setting up appointments for walk-ins that might or might not come back. Las Vegas was saturated with tattoo shops. Most of the turned away would probably go somewhere else.
“You got any plans this weekend, T?” Edgar asked when we were both between clients.
“Got a hot date?” Zelda asked from her station. The words were sharp but a hunch in her shoulders made the lie on my tongue hesitate. Behind her luminous green eyes, I could see a flicker of pain, strangely familiar to my own.
“Nothing major,” I heard myself say. “Lot of studying to do.”
“Come out racing on Sunday,” Edgar said. He finished his Red Bull, crushed the can, and lobbed it at the trash basket. “Me and some buddies are going to rent ATVs.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Maybe.” Edgar snorted. “Come on, man,”
“I got three midterms next week,” I said, crossing the black and white checkered floor toward the restroom behind the reception desk. I gave Zelda a nod as I went by.
Sorry, Z. I’m running on empty.
I had to wipe my hands on my jeans after washing them. “Viv, we’re out of paper towels,” I said as I emerged from the bathroom. She was on the phone and only raised her chin at me. I started to walk away, right at the moment the music on the sound system faded to a low pulse. Above the quiet beat, I heard Viv say, “Teddy? No, no one named Teddy here.”
The name slugged me in the back. I whipped around, my heart pounding out of my chest, yelling, “No,” as Vivian lowered the phone to its set. “Viv, don’t…”
