Page 15 of All In
“Look man,” I said. “All I care about—literally, the only thing I give a shit about in this world right now—is making sure she’s okay. You called. I came. Now tell me where she is.”
The big guy gave me one more appraising glance, finished off his beer and set the bottle down.“Saturday nights she plays the Bon Bon on Baronne Street. You might see flyers around. Set starts at nine.”
“Thank you.” I finished off my own beer and reached for my wallet.
“On me,” Big E said, and offered his hand again. “I’m glad you’re here, Theo.”
I shook it hard. The guy was genuinely concerned and without his phone call, I’d be sitting in the Wynn Galleria, apologizing to Jonah for the thousandth time. “Thanks for calling me, man.”
And for saving my fucking life.
Bon Bon was bigger than Le Chacal, and a lot more crowded. I got there early enough to grab a two-person corner booth which I jealously guarded. Twice, women asked to squeeze in with me, and twice I said the seat was taken. The label from my beer bottle was peeled off and torn to shreds by the time the lights finally dimmed. From the booth, I had a clear shot to the stage. A stool and a mic stand stood pooled in a circle of light, waiting.
The stereo music faded to silence and so did the conversations of fifty patrons or so. All eyes turned to the stage. Then she was there. No announcement, no introduction. She just appeared, her guitar already strapped around her, her long blond hair falling like a tangled curtain to conceal most of her face.
Kacey. Damn, baby…
I froze, my eyes drinking her in, gulping down six months.
She looked thin, dressed in sleek black leather pants and a ratty, olive-colored sweater, oversized and hanging off one shoulder. The stage’s lone spotlight glinted off her hair and skin.
She was drunk.
I knew it from the slow, careful way she took her seat on the stool, adjusted the mic, and strummed her guitar once or twice.
The place was hushed and seemed to hold its breath when finally, she moved her mouth to the mic and said in her rich, somewhat weakened voice, “Hi, I’m Kacey and I’m going to sing a few songs for you tonight.”
The crowd erupted into applause, breaking me out of my trance. Then Kacey started singing and I was immediately plunged into another one.
That voice…
She sang about waking up surrounded by beauty and peace. Opening her eyes after a long nightmare of loud music, a party that never ended, and a costume she could never take off.
I sat still, my eyes either open to inhale her, or closed to better hear her words. The first song gave way to one about a lover’s kiss that erased every other kiss that came before. The next was about a night spent under stars.
I was transported to the Grand Basin, a camping trip with friends, listening to Kacey sing around the fire. Something shifted in me that night. Some cataclysmic alteration of who I was as a man. It was that night that she ruined me. Or saved me. I didn’t know which.
Song after song, I relived Kacey’s time with Jonah. Specifics hidden in the lyrics, leaving the emotion exposed in sharp detail. By the time Jonah’s health was declining in a song called “One Million Moments,” I was clutching my beer bottle hard, half hoping it would shatter, cut me open and break the spell of pain. Stop the tide of feeling from rising to the surface.
God, she’s so fucking beautiful.
Drunk and disheveled, reeking of misery and defeat, and she was beautiful to me. I wanted to bulldoze through the chair and tables in front of the stage and grab her, carry her out of this place and the people who applauded the grief she gave them in songs. I wanted to put my hands on her, confirm this was real; that I wasn’t dreaming of sitting in a New Orleans jazz club, listening to Kacey Dawson sing.
“This is my last song,” she said. “It’s called ‘The Lighthouse.’”
Kacey strummed a long intro of sad harmonies. Over the course of the song, they degenerated into purposefully discordant notes evoking a ship breaking apart, plank by plank. Through the melody, Kacey’s tears fell, her voice hitched and faltered but never quit. Her breaths were stolen, like someone gasping for air, but they didn’t disrupt the song. Theywerethe song, as much as any lyric or chord.
The last note hung in the air, then dissipated. The crowd sat hushed for half a second before breaking out into subdued applause that grew in intensity, until the small, dark club was suffused with sound.
I watched, transfixed, as Kacey brushed the hair off her face, smearing the mascara that stained her cheeks. “Thank you,” she murmured into the mic. “Goodnight.”
She slipped off her stool and disappeared behind the black curtain. As the crowd around me returned to normal conversation, I sat in my booth, feeling her voice and music reverberate through me. When the sound system came on with some jazz number, I jerked out of my thoughts, and frantically scanned the club for Kacey.
Shit, I’d fucking lost her all over again. She probably slipped out the back while I was mooning like an idiot. I relinquished my seat and wound my way through the crowd, searching faces.
I spotted her at the last stool on the bar. She sipped a cocktail as a man at her elbow scribbled something on a cocktail napkin and slid it across the bar to her. She picked it up with a game smile and nodded. As the guy left the bar, his smile was hopeful.
I realized my hands were clenched into fists. Kacey told me once that during her time with her old band, she’d take roadies or fans to her bed at night. Was she back in that habit too?
