Page 31 of All In
Don’t say it, I thought.
Her eyes overflowed. “I couldn’t save him.”
Kacey’s hair fell over her face as she bent over, weeping.
I couldn’t save him.What I had felt every day of my life since Jonah got sick. Only I couldn’t cry it out like she could. If I touched her, if I touched her grief with mine, I’d rage and howl and lose my fucking mind.
Jonah… Come back, you asshole.
I sucked in a breath, used it to push the pain down. When I trusted my voice, I said, “You did everything right. Everything.”
Kacey lifted her head. When she brushed the hair from her eyes, the look within their depths was desperate.
“You made him happy,” I said. “Right at the time he needed it most. You made him happy. Quit worrying about what you didn’t do, because what youdiddo was everything. Okay?”
She dragged the sleeve of her shirt across her face. “Easier said than done.”
I could tell my words had helped to make her feel better. And making her feel better was as close to happy as I was ever going to get.
That night, we watchedSixteen Candleswith a pizza and soda. Kacey sat beside me on the couch, half a cushion separating us, close enough to feel the warmth of her body.
“You’re still flying back to Vegas on Sunday?” she asked as the credits rolled.
“That’s the plan.”
“Change of plan: I’m flying back with you.”
I looked over at her. “Are you sure you’re up for that?”
She sniffed a laugh. “No. But I need to see your parents. And Oscar and Dena. Put those wrongs right. Isn’t that one of the steps in recovery? Make amends?”
“I guess,” I said, staring at this woman who was so riddled with regret and shame, and so oblivious to her own strength.That’s part of the insidiousness of addiction,I thought.You remember the depth and blackness of the hole you were in and not the strength it took to pull yourself out.
“I have a lot of apologizing to do,” Kacey said. “I have to face Vegas at some point. Look the memories in the eye… Otherwise I’ll hide out here forever, avoiding my feelings. Which is what drove me to drink in the first place.” Kacey smacked the arm of the chair, her eyes shining. “See? Thousands of dollars’ worth of therapy breakthroughs for the price of one Tarot card reading.”
Before I could answer, she was out of the chair and climbing into my arms.
“Thank you, Teddy,” she whispered against my neck.
My heart crashed against my chest. “For the five bucks? Easy money.”
“No, you big dummy,” she said, her laughter warm and soft on my skin. “Thank you for saving my life.”
“It wasn’t me, Kace,” I said, and let my hand rest on her hair. “It was you. You did all the work—”
“Theodore,” she said. “Just say, ‘you’re welcome’ or when we get to Vegas, I’ll have someone tattoo the Hanged Man on your forehead.”
“Well, when you put it that way… You’re welcome.”
CHAPTER
NINE
The flight attendant smiled benignly at me. “Would you like something to drink?”
“That’s a million-dollar question,” I muttered.
“Pardon?”
