Page 60 of All In
“Oh,” she said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “Oscar makes it sound like maybe you are. Or… I don’t know.”
“He’s wrong,” I said, harder than I intended. “He likes to take a joke and run it into the ground.”
She nodded. “It’s none of my business, anyway. I was just…wondering.”
“I haven’t seen anyone seriously since Holly.”
What the hell…?
But the words escaped and there was no taking them back.
Kacey stared. “That was almost a year ago. You broke up with Holly that night at Grand Basin.” She glanced up at me. “Why? I mean, why then and there, in the middle of the woods?”
Because I heard you sing. And I knew I’d never be the same.
I shrugged, keeping my eyes fixed away. “It wasn’t going to happen between us. It felt wrong to string her along.”
“But why that night? Why not wait until after the trip?”
I tried to think of a plausible reason. The truth—or part of it—seemed the only way to go. “I knew she’d want to have sex that night. But it was already over for me.”
Kacey raised her brows with a knowing smile. “So, you could’ve gotten laid one last time, but took the high road instead.”
“I’m not a total lowlife.”
“You’re not any kind of lowlife,” she said. “Funny, at the time, Dena and I thought what you did was kind of harsh. Turns out, you were doing the right thing.”
“What about you?” I asked slowly, the words sticking to my teeth. “Seeing anyone?”
“No, no,” she said, hugged her elbows. “I’m not ready. I think about what it would be like, being on a date with another man. Holding his hand or kissing him goodnight, and I just…I can’t do it. My mind won’t even go there.”
“Because of Jonah,” I said quietly.
She nodded, dropped her gaze to her hands again. “I’m trying to let him go, you know? But I don’t think that’s something I cando.Like flipping a switch. I think it’s just something that will happen gradually, and I’ll know it’s happening because I’ll start doing things again. Going on dates, thinking about other guys…”
A thought pulled her lips down and she looked up at me. Our eyes met and my guard started to slip, the walls coming down. She sat so close, watching me, a vague notion starting to take root, realization creeping into her gaze.
Say something, Kace. Do something because I can’t. It has to come from you. It has to be real…
She leaned toward me. “Teddy…”
I felt pulled down toward her. “Yeah?”
“Do you…still visit Jonah’s installation a lot?”
I blinked and Kacey’s sheepish laugh broke the tension hanging in the air like spun glass. “Sorry, totally random. I just…You’ve always been there for me. I wondered if you wanted to talk about it. Or him.”
Disappointment crashed me back to earth. “No, I’m good.”
“That’s what you said last time,” she said. “Are you really?”
“I’m fine, Kace. Promise.”
Kacey turned on the bench to face me. “Teddy. I’m here for you. Even hundreds of miles away, I’m here. If you ever need me like I needed you…”
I wanted to touch her face. I wanted to tell her I needed her in a way she couldn’t imagine. I wanted to tell her the truth.
“Kacey…”
