Page 82 of All In
“I kissed Teddy.”
“I’ll be right over.”
Five minutes later, Yvonne busted in the front door, a half-liter of seltzer water tucked under one arm, a bottle of cranberry juice under the other.
“This occasion calls for wine, but seeing as you’re on the wagon, this is the best I can do, short notice.”
I sank onto my couch, my fingers trailing over my lips, as Yvonne busied herself in my kitchen, scooping ice and pouring drinks. She came back and pressed a cranberry and seltzer into my hand. She dropped into the easy chair, facing me. “Tell me everything.”
“Teddy kissed me, and I kissed him back. A lot. And it was…magnificent.”
“Magnificent? Honey, that’s a good thing.”
“So good I started crying. So of course he thought he did something wrong and backed off. I couldn’t tell him the truth. That I cried because it felt so good. It feltright. But then ten seconds later I’m wracked with guilt. I always felt like I had my first kiss with Jonah. Now I’m kissing Teddy and it’s the first… The first after the first.”
Yvonne let me have a moment before asking, “What did he say about it?”
I took a sip of my drink without tasting it. “That we were caught up in the moment. But I think he was giving me an out. I’m sure I looked stricken with guilt.”
“Where is he now?”
“Flying back to Vegas.” I read the disapproving downturn of her lips. “No, it’s good. He’s such a good man, Yvonne. He knew it was too much. If he stayed, we would’ve slept together, and I am not of sound mind. He knew it, so he left. And as if my feelings aren’t fucked up enough, now I wish he hadn’t.” I looked up at her tearfully. “He’s my best friend. I can’t lose him.”
“You don’t have to lose him, honey,” Yvonne said. “Maybe what you two have is changing into something else.”
“Oh, God, I don’t know what I’m doing.” I leaned over my knees and held my head in my hands. “Tell me what to do, Yvonne. I’m begging you.”
“Sleep on it, baby,” Yvonne said. “That’s all I got. Sleep, and see how it all looks in the morning. And Kacey?”
I looked up through my hair. “Yeah?”
“The feeling you have in that moment right as you wake up, before your brain mucks it all up with thoughts and words? That very first feeling is where the truth lives.”
I sat for a long time after she left, mustering the courage to go to my bedroom. The universe orb on my dresser glowed in the yellow lamplight. I didn’t touch it. It didn’t feel right to touch it with Theo all over me. I rested my chin on the dresser, and watched the light play over the stars, shine across the red and green surface of the planet.
“I danced with Teddy,” I said, my voice shaking. “No, that’s not right. We danced like we were fucking and then we kissed. I kissed him and it was…” I swallowed hard. “It was good. It felt so good. But even before that…we went out. We had a good time together. We ate good food and laughed and talked…We lived.”
Tears blurred the orb into a dark ball, the stars inside glowing but silent.
“This isn’t supposed to happen, is it?” I whispered. “Teddy and me? The idea of being with anyone but you is awful to me, and yet with him… It feels good. It feels…real.”
I wanted Theo with me. I hadn’t realized until he kissed me how much I missed intimate contact. The nearness of a man, his breath warm on my skin, the presence of him in my space, touching me. I wanted it right now. Wanted him holding me, kissing me again. Kissing me all night. Loving me hard. Heated and sweaty and rough and raw.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I muttered, turning to my bed. I buried my face in the pillow, willing my body to cool down. After being so cold for so long—a bone-chilling loneliness, drowning in icy tears, numb to anyone’s touch… Now I couldn’t take the heat of a man who wasn’t Jonah.
I tossed and turned for hours. Rationalizing. Justifying. I tried to write off the whole incident to plain old-fashioned lust. I got caught up in the moment, just like Theo said. And who wouldn’t? Theo was gorgeous. Packed in muscle, tattooed, and sexy as hell. If he moved in bed like he did on the dance floor…
Oh, God, stop.
When I finally started to slip under, it wasn’t to feelings of pure lust, or the feel of Theo’s body against mine, or even the delicious heat of his kiss. It was his smile. I don’t think I’d ever seen Theo smile’s so broad and unguarded. Dancing with me, he’d shed the burden of grief and responsibilities. For a few short hours, I’d made him happy.
And when I woke up the next morning, the first feeling in my heart was the desire to make him happy again.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-NINE
Sunday dinner with my parents was the last fucking thing I wanted to do, but I couldn’t say no. We sat on the patio, and Mom tried to keep up the chatter over plates of roasted chicken and asparagus. Dad shoveled his food in with hardly a word. I kept sneaking glances at my phone and the one text from Kacey:Wanted to make sure you got in okay.
