Page 26 of Crash: Love in Scrubs
“Do you? Because showing up at the hospital after seventeen years isn’t the same as being a father. Sending a few text messages isn’t the same as being there when you were sick, or at your games, or when you needed help with homework.”
Samaj’s jaw tightened. “I’m not stupid, Ma.”
“I didn’t say you were…”
“But that’s how you’re talking to me!” He pushed back from the table. “Like I’m some little kid who doesn’t understand anything. Like I’m gonna get my hopes up and get hurt.”
“Samaj, that’s not…”
“You did the same thing with the streaming. With college. With everything.” His voice was rising. “You act like I can’t make my own decisions, like I’m gonna mess up my whole life if you’re not there controlling everything.”
I massaged my temple. Why did kids always go to control? They bypassed safety, concern, and our lived experiences. This was not about control, this was about protecting the condition of his heart during and after Ashe played in his face. But I couldn’t say all that without sounding like I was lecturing him again.
“I’m not trying to control you, but I am trying to make sure you have a future. One that’s healthy and free of unnecessary let downs.”
“You’ve been doing it my whole life, and I get it, you had to when I was little. But I’m not little anymore, Ma. I can think for myself.”
“I know you can think for yourself. But thinking and experiencing are two different things. I’m trying to protect you from getting hurt by someone who’s already hurt you once.”
“Maybe I need to get hurt!” He leaned up, frustration written all over his face.
I felt terrible realizing how much Samaj had always wanted a father figure. My dad was around, but he was my dad, not the same thing. And it didn’t help that Samaj looked exactly like Ashe. My genes didn’t even try to fight back. But this is exactly why I reacted the way I did. There should be nothing in this world that my son wanted that his parents didn’t try and provide for him. That included our presence and time.
Again, fuck Ashe.
“Okay, sit and finish eating.”
Samaj relaxed. He wasn’t ready to be standing on his feet with no assistance; he needed to be careful. And I didn’t want to argue. Especially about his father. I refused to let him ruin my peace. No hell no. We finished dinner in silence until I helped him to his room. That was not how I planned for our conversation to go. I intended for him to hear me as I heard him.
I stepped onto my back patio and stared at Malik’s last text message. I wanted to talk to someone, and I had been leaning onWinnie and Halo heavily. They hated Ashe and felt like I should be asking for a restraining order in fear of his motives. Malik seemed like he had all the right words, and I needed the right words right now. Not suggestions of violence.
I dialed his number because I was running from him, but I wasn’t a scary bitch at all. I liked him, but I had so much going on that trying to fall in love would result in one of us getting hurt. And it typically ended with that being me. But friendship I could give. Conversations on the phone I had that in surplus.
“To what do I owe this surprise, MiMi? Or do you like LT more?” his sultry voice came through the phone, and I leaned back into my wicker patio furniture. I could picture the smirk on his perfect face.
“I honestly don’t know why I called. Me and Maj kinda had a spat. And you’ll call me whatever you want to call me anyway. Do you.”
“Do me, huh?” His laugh was low, causing the hair on my neck to stand. “What’s up with you and the homie? Bum ass bothering y’all?”
“Yeah, bum ass,” I replied with a laugh that made me snort. “He’s not hearing me, and I feel bad that he wanted a father figure this whole time.”
“Every little boy wants that, and we want it to be ours, way more than a replacement. I don’t know why we were wired that way. There’s nothing for you to feel bad about.”
“So, you wanted your dad also. Did you know him?”
“No, I didn’t know my pops. But of course, I wanted him. The thing is, sometimes you can’t escape it. It’s around you, nagging you, making you doubt yourself. You see it in the stands; you see it at the store. Be easy on him, but yourself too.”
“I know all about that in my own way.”
“How so?”
“My mom abandoned me and left my dad to raise me. I missed a ghost. But as I got older, I realized I missed a facade, an idea. I guess girls are different. By fourteen, I was over wondering about her and her absence. Thank God I had my stepmom.”
“I’m sorry, baby.”
“My dad did just fine.”
“He did. And Congratulations on getting into school. I heard you, but didn’t get to acknowledge it earlier. I got lost in them eyes.”
