Page 37 of From the Courtroom to the Court
"I'm a lawyer," she smiles. "I work at the family firm."
"A great challenge," says the older woman, emphasizing with wide-open eyes. "I've always thought that working with family is quite a challenge."
"It is," Emily confirms, "but after so much time, everyone is involved in their own matters. That's made it so we don't have arguments or go through a bad time when we meet outside the office."
"That's good. So I must assume you're not here because of something related to your work," Eveline gets to the point she's been trying to reach from the beginning.
"No," the lawyer agrees. "It's more of a general issue, though I don't know where to start."
"That's the most complicated part, let me help you with that," the doctor replies and opens her notebook again. "You tell me you get along well with your family. Do you have many friends?"
Emily tilts her head slightly.
"Just enough. The truth is I keep some from college, although my cousin Emma is my best friend."
"Are you married?"
Emily shakes her head energetically. It's then that the experienced Dr. Mitchell notices a change in her patient. She has slightly tensed her shoulders and looked at the wall again.
"Well. I might be wrong, but I think I can sense that you've come to the consultation because there's something about love that's affecting your life."
Bingo.
"Yes. Well, it's something that, I don't know..."
Eveline closes the notebook again.
"Emily, this is a safe place," she opens her arms as if to encompass the entire space. "Sometimes it's difficult to explain how we feel, but somehow we have to start, and believe me, this is the right place. I'm not going to judge you; I'm going to listen to you and give you the tools so you can overcome what's happening to you. Say it however it comes out."
Emily puts the cup down on a low table beside her and takes a breath.
"I like a woman, we kissed. Twice," she emphasizes. "And then she told me she had a partner."
Eveline takes notes.
"How did that make you feel?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute, trying to recall everything she has felt since she met Leah Walker up to the day she told her she wasn't single.
"Disappointed," she finds the word.
"Angry?"
"No, not angry. She told me herself, she stopped the situation that was getting a bit out of hand. But yes, a lot of disappointment; I thought I could have a relationship with her, at least the beginning of one."
"I understand. Often, when we have feelings for someone and things don't flow as we want, we feel unhappy and even undeserving, but usually the feeling grows when we carry some event that has somehow marked us."
At that moment, Emily Harris feels her chest open up. It has been hard for her to start talking, but when the doctor mentioned the past, the lawyer felt it was time to let it all out.
She tells her about her college life and the romantic experiences she had there. None too remarkable until a few years later when she met Vanesa Cooper. She explains how their relationship was, her ex's betrayal, and the reunion they had the other day. Emily focuses especially on telling the psychiatrist how she has really been feeling all these years, what she doesn't tell anyone.
"It's very hard for me to verbalize these things. When the thing with Vanesa happened, I wasn't able to cry with anyone, to say that I felt such deep pain that I feared dying of sadness. Everyone assumed I was going through the typical breakup and that I even recovered quite quickly. It wasn't like that; I spent months crying, locking myself at home to lick my wounds. Alone."
"I understand that something similar happened to you with this woman you kissed; you didn't tell her how you felt after knowing she has a partner. Not to her or anyone else."
"I just left. I didn't say anything, and when I got home, I broke down. I spent hours crying, and I'm sure it wasn't because of her specifically, because I found out she wasn't available; I think what happened was the straw that broke the camel's back," Emily says, and a tear snakes down her face. "The next day I arrived at the office as if nothing had happened; even my cousin told me I looked radiant."
"You've learned to swallow your pain in such a professional way that no one notices you're having a hard time. You're very brave to come to therapy, Emily. Mental health is the most important thing, and many people don't give it the weight it deserves," says the psychiatrist as she offers her a tissue. "You have a lot built up, and what happened to you when you understood that you couldn't start a relationship with someone you like made everything explode, but that's why we're here, to work on it."
