Page 34 of Isn't She Lucky
“Sit down, Ma. I need to talk to you about something.”
“What’s that?” she asks, sitting in her favorite chair while I take the sofa.
I fight to keep my emotions at bay so I can say what I need to say. Find out what I need to find out. “Mom, years ago, when I was a teenager, you told me something about Kasim.”
“Chile, I don’t remember half of what I did yesterday. How am I supposed to remember anything from way back then?”
“Mom—please just listen. You said you overheard a conversation between Kasim and his mother. You told me she warned him not to get too close to me, and he responded by saying there were prettier girls at his school, and he didn’t want the poor girl. Do you remember telling me that?”
She closes her eyes and sighs deeply. “Yes, I do.”
“Was that true? Did you hear him say those words?”
“Giada—”
“Mom, did he say it or not?”
She sighs heavily again and says, “See, what you have to understand, Giada, is that I knew what it felt like to struggle as a single mom. I had you when I was nineteen. I struggled and walked across that stage with a belly while, at home, my parents yelled and cussed and fussed because I was their ultimate letdown. I failed them. I couldn’t go to college. I was too busy trying to feed you, and I’m not blaming you—I’m just telling you how it was.”
She wipes a tear and says, “When I saw you headed down the same road, I wasn’t about to let you follow in my footsteps. I was going to break that cycle because I wanted better for you, baby. I didn’t want you to end up being a maid up in somebody’s house like your mama—washing dishes, mopping floors, and making somebody else’s life better while you lived in poverty. I wanted better for you! So, when I saw you with Kasim in his room that day with your forehead pressed to his, I knew I had to put an end to what was going on. You were in love with him, and he was in love with you. Y’all were too young for that. Hormones and feelings can easily cloud your judgment. Trust me, I know from experience. If I didn’t put an end to what was going on between y’all, you would’ve ended up like me. And what do you think them rich folks would’ve said? They would’ve dragged yourname through the mud and told everybody that wasn’t their son’s baby. They would’ve demanded he stay away from you, and guess what, Giada? You would’ve been me. Alone with a baby and struggling. I didn’t want that. I wasn’t going to have that.”
“So, you lied. Kasim never said those things about me?”
With trembling lips, she says, “I did what I had to do to save you from becoming the failure that I am!” she says, wiping her eyes. “And I’m not sorry about it, either. I would do the same thing over again.”
“Mom?” I cry in disbelief. I can’t believe she would lie straight to my face like that.
“I’m sorry.”
I sniffle and wipe the tears from my eyes. I say, “He said he gave you a letter. Where is it?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. You think I still have a letter from over a decade ago.”
“Yes, I do because you never throw anything away! Now, where is it?” I ask, stomping to her bedroom.
“Giada, stop!”
“Where is it, Ma?” I ask because I’m livid.
I weave my way through open boxes. She hasn’t moved yet – hasn’t even found a house yet, but she’s been packing boxes left and right. However, in her bedroom, nothing’s packed up. I go straight to her dresser, snatch all her undergarments out of the top drawer.
Nothing.
“Giada!”
I head to the closet. There are shoe boxes on the top shelf. I pull one of them down and see a stack of papers – mail, bills, receipts. I take another one, open it, and see folded papers. I open one and see Kasim’s handwriting. Tears immediately come to my eyes as I begin reading:
Giada,
Hi. It’s me, Kase. Remember me? Your best friend? It’s been over a month and I haven’t seen you or heard from you. Your mom told me you were busy with your other friends and that’s all good, but I thought we were friends – best friends. I have no one but you, G. I thought you knew that. Yes, I play football and all that, but no one understands me like you do – not my mother, my father – no one, and no one ever will. I miss your silly laugh. I miss talking to you. I miss your eyes. I miss falling asleep with you slobbering on my shoulder. I miss eating snacks with you. Tossing the football back and forth. Playing outside. Why won’t you call me? Did I do something to you? Was it the kiss? If it was, I promise I will never kiss you again. My life has been on pause since you walked out of my room that day. I just…I just miss you, Giada. I just want to see you. Please write me back. Or call me. Text me. Please. I really need to hear from you, and if I don’t, I should tell you that I love you, and I…
-Kase
Tears pour out of my eyes. I don’t remember a time when I’ve cried this much – where my tears were heavier than my heart, but they are now.
I look up at my mother and ask, “How could you do this to me?”
“I told you why.”
