Page 13 of Forgetting Rafe Thomas
I swallow hard, worried that whatever is in the message might be a bad sign. Maybe he gave up? Maybe this is a goodbye message? The middle of the night seems like a terrible time for anything else, so with a worried mind, I tap the play button and prepare myself for anything.
“Hey, Luna, it’s Rafe. Uh, I guess you know that but um, listen, I just…I actually just landed in Ireland, and I wanted to see if…Well, to tell you…Okay, let me start over.” His bumbling message already has me confused. He’s in Ireland? What onearthis he doing in Ireland?
“So, I…I needed to tell you that ever since the wedding I’ve been so lost, Luna. I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I’m always going to love you. And maybe you deserve more than me, more than what I can give you, but you have always been the one thing God sent me that I know I don’t deserve. Your light was…is…always the brightest spot in my day, and without it I’m so lost. And I know that’s my fault. It’s all on me, and maybe you don’t even think about me at all anymore, but I couldn’t close a door on this thing between us without trying one last time.
“I want to fight for you, but I don’t know how. I’m not one of those guys who always knows what to say, and I can’t promise I will ever be. But I love you. So much. And everything in Coldstone Creek reminds me of you, so I’m on a trip. I needed to get out, get away from everything that’s always the same. Pull myself out of the…I don’t know, thesamenessof everything. I’m not sure if you understand what I mean, but…I had to get out.
“But…that’s a lot of buts, but…anyway, uh, I’m here for a week. Maybe two. Heck, maybe even three. I got a ticket for you, too. I rented the cottage next door to mine so you don’t have to be with me the whole time. So…yeah…if you still love me and you want to make this work, you can find the ticket at the will call desk at the airport. I hope you come. I hope, more than anything, you know how much I miss you. I can’t breathe without you sometimes and…gosh, I’m rambling. I do this all the time. I’m sorry. I really don’t know why you ever liked me in high school like this but…anyway, if you want to…to see me, to see if we can sort this out away from everyone and everything else…I’m here. I love you.”
I replay the message twice more to make sure I hear everything right. Then I grab my bag, dump it on the bed, and grab a bigger one. After all, a girl needs more than a few outfits if she’s going halfway across the world to fall in love all over again.
There’s no doubt about it. I’m going. I’m falling. And I’m not leaving there until I’m Rafe Thomas’ future again. I’m not leaving until we figure out how to work together in this relationship—one where I learn to say what I need, and he learns to say what he feels.
After I check the weather and repack, I send a quick message to Mav asking if he knew about this. When he replies that he only just found out before Rafe left for the airport, I shoot one back asking him to keep our conversation between us. I don’t want Rafe to know I’m coming, not yet. I need to think on the way, and when I arrive, I want to surprise him.
More than anything, I want this sudden urge to lay it all on the line to be the nudge from God I’ve been praying for. Rather than assume that is the case, I take a moment to pray. My focus and judgment have been pretty suspect lately, so the only way I can know I’m on the right path is to ask. With complete abandon and utter humility, I fall on my knees and ask God to support me, toguide me, and to work this out for our good—mineandRafe’s—before we both go insane trying to figure it out ourselves.
With one final utterance, I grab my bag and head to the airport.
To say my flight has been stressful is an understatement, but I try to make the best of it by thinking about what I’ll say when I see Rafe again. I’m not sure if this trip will change things, but with every prayer I utter on this plane, my heart feels more at ease with this adventure.
Staring out the window, I can’t help being distracted by how beautiful Ireland is, but I also can’t help thinking I should bemoreinspired by the sheer gloriousness of its landscape. Perhaps if the baby three rows back weren’t screaming bloody murder, or the guy beside me hadn’t been barefoot the entire flight, and the woman in front of me didn’t smell like rancid cheese, I might be better able to appreciate something so gorgeous.
An intrusive thought slips in just as the pilot announces we’re about to land. Everyone commences with the buckling and preparation, but my mind drifts toward that thought. It’s notwrong,but it’s also me not trusting God completely.
All I can think is that I don’t need a vacation. I don’t need to go on an adventure and waste time. I need to be loved. And I’m not sure if Rafe really loves me or just misses the routine we had.
It’s as simple and as complicated as that.
Two of his brothers are married and two are in serious relationships, all in the span of less than one year, which must make him feel a little more lost. On my part, I’m as single as any pringle can possibly get. I know it’s my fault, too, but I’ve been a little busy lately. It isn’t like curating a brand-new exhibit is easy, and with the interns I’ve had, it’s been almost impossible. At every turn, it seemed like my work doubled. At least, untilNatasha came along. And now? Well, it feels like I never leave the office. When I do, it’s to sleep for about five hours and do it all again the next day. When you add a smattering of crummy dates on top of it, I’m lucky I sleep at all.
I check my watch again. Hopefully, Natasha is doing well. Iknowshe has everything under control, but that doesn’t stop more intrusive thoughts from running rampant in my mind.
“It’s fine,” I whisper under my breath. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. This is going to work out just fine.”
Naked-foot guy gives me a glance like I’m somehow the weirdo sitting in the row. I breathe out nice and slow and resume my window staring. We’ll be landing soon, then maybe I can find the rental home and take a quick nap before facing Rafe.
We have to circle the airport a few times, but we finally settle in for a smooth landing. By the time we’re ready to disembark, I’ve had all I can take of every single person on the flight with me, except for the one guy at the front of the plane who slept the whole time. I cannot escape fast enough, only to stand in line for half an hour waiting for my car that will take me to the rental property. Fortunately, though, the driver seems more interested in singing along to music than conversing with me, except when he tells me the rate and waits rather impatiently for payment once we arrive at the cottage.
I have to drag my own luggage out of the back and fight with the cobblestone walkway, but I am comforted by the fact that everyone else I’ve met thus far has been pleasant. Hopefully, he’s the only rude guy I encounter this week. Once I’m sure I’m at the right place and the keypad pops open to reveal the door key, I jog back down the walkway and pay him.
I barely hand him the cash when he rolls up the window and puts the car back into drive.
“Thank you!” I yell as he speeds off the property. “Wow. I must be really terrible company.” I’m talking to myself now, so I wheelmy suitcase towards the door, only now taking in the full view of this rental property, including the back area. My mouth falls open.
The light brick home is quaint, almost like a little farmhouse, with a little fenced area to one side. There’s a patio on the rear, but it opens to a field that spills into the ocean. The shoreline is nothing short of a miracle, and now…nowthe full beauty of this island hits me at full impact. And I want to cry, to scream over the ocean that those intrusive thoughts I had on the plane can take a leap off those cliffs, becauseI willtrust God. I will put my all into this adventure with Rafe.
It's freezing this close to the shore, but I’m bundled up enough to spend a moment enjoying the scenery before lugging my bag inside. A quick glance in both directions shows two properties. One is a little house similar to the one I’m staying in, while the other is much larger. It’s also pretty far down the lane, so I’m positive I won’t have any interaction with its inhabitants. The little cottage is closer, though, and there is one car parked out front. My heart leaps a little knowing that’s probably the one Rafe is in right now. I should tell him I’m here, even if it’s a text message that says I want to settle in and we can meet for breakfast. After all, I did just spend an eternity flying here.
I bite my lip and consider my options and settle on my previous plan. I’ll wait, freshen up, and surprise him.
With a shiver, I head towards the door. It’s a heavy wooden door with an iron handle and intricate carvings under a small, stained-glass window. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to want to leave this house, and once I open the door, I’m fully convinced. Inside, I dump my bag on a sofa thickly layered with wool and linen blankets. I strip off my coat and toss it on my bag. It’s warm enough inside, but I want a fire roaring in that gorgeous stone fireplace right away. Kindling and logs rest in a copper bucket beside the fireplace, so I get started.
Springtime in Ireland, especially on the coast, is cooler than in North Carolina. I’m chilly, so I pull on a lightweight sweater and glance out the window. The sun is higher in the sky now, illuminating a whole other part of the ragged coastline. It reminds me of the time I went on a summer vacation with the Thomas family. The Mays sisters were there, too, and I smile thinking of how much fun we had. The sisters are now officially Thomases themselves, while I’m staring out a window in a foreign country praying my life will make sense soon.
Just let go. Let go and let God lead.
Reminding myself to trust is difficult, but I know it’s right. My best friend’s words echo in my mind, but trusting isn’t that easy. The tension in my entire body has me wound tighter than a spring, so much so that I’ve found myself snapping at my loved ones for no reason at all. I’ve been rude to my coworkers on more than one occasion, and I’m honestly grateful that Natasha hasn’t kicked me to the curb for all the times she’s had to rescue me from a failed date.
