Page 37 of Forgetting Rafe Thomas
“Hang on. Wait, I’m not trying to spark an argument again. I’m not trying to stick it to you. I’m also not passing blame off on you.” He releases my hand and points to himself. “I should have told you how close I was to selling, but I wanted it to be a surprise. In hindsight, I can absolutely see why you felt abandoned and ignored. That’s on me, but Luna, it killed me when you sat in that car with me and didn’t ask my opinion about moving. You told me what you planned to do as if it was already a done deal. Can you imagine how that hurt me?”
I close my eyes and try to put myself in his place. My intention had been to elicit a reaction from him, something that told me I was important to him, that the idea of losing me made him crazy. Not once did I stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t give him enough room to do that. I had been firm, adamant that I was going, leaving absolutely no space for him to get a foot in the door, let alone have a meaningful discussion with me.
“That isn’t what I was trying to do,” I admit. “I was trying to get you to fight for me. It was stupid, in hindsight.”
“Not stupid at all. Maybe a little misguided, but Ishouldhave fought for you. I should have argued with you, fought until I was blue in the face. At the very least, I could haveaskedwhere I fit in this plan you had.”
“In fairness, I didn’t give you much room to. The plan backfired.”
He nods again. “Yeah, and then you left.”
“And you didn’t stop me.”
“No. I didn’t.”
We’re staring at each other with truth glaring at us. We both messed up, both pushed each other into a corner, and now we have to pay the penance for our actions. The problem is, how do we move on from it and ensure we don’t do it again?
“I wanted to,” he admits. “I even drove to Chatswain more than once but couldn’t force myself out of the car. I’m not sure why. I think I was too afraid of the rejection from someone I love so much that it was easier to be miserable.” He scratches his scruffy beard again absentmindedly, but it reminds me we’re not kids anymore. This is real life. What we do right now matters.
“I drove back home a few times too. I guess we never really got over each other. I’m not sure where to go from here, Rafe. I love you, but we have pretty different lives right now. Can we still merge them?”
“My work is important to me, that’s true, but I can do it almost anywhere. It’s not more important than you, I want to be clear about that. But Idohave to work hard. It might get easier in time, but I can work to manage my time better and make sure I’m not neglecting you.”
I nod with each word. “And I could be more open with you. Instead of expecting you to read my mind, I can tell you that I need time with you.”
“And I will absolutely do my best to honor your request. I’m not trying to be so distracted. I just…am. I guess I’m more like Silas than I realized, but he and Ella found a way to make things work. I think we can too, with a little routine and communication.”
I settle deeper into the sofa, almost against him, but he makes a motion to move so I pause. He digs in his pocket and pulls out a small box and an envelope before settling back in and pulling me against his chest. Once I’m tucked in, he hands me the envelope.
“Luna, I love andhaveloved you more than anything in the world. That never changed. I bought this for you, forus,and had planned to tell you everything the same day you confronted me. Terrible timing, I guess, but…anyway…I bought this.”
I narrow my eyes and dig into the envelope. There are several sheets of paper and a photograph of a home I instantly recognize. I’ve loved the little farmhouse for as long as I can remember, even dreamed of owning it with Rafe and raising a family there. Then realization dawns on me. The paperwork…it’s a mortgage contract.
He bought us the farmhouse. The very one I said I’d love to own on our first date when he was driving me home.
My lips part and my eyes widen as I stare at the photograph. Everything I had dreamed of back then comes rushing back so hard that I can almost see us sitting on the porch swing, our kids playing in the yard, a dog, some horses…everything.
“And I know we’ve only just begun working on repairing this relationship, but I also had this to give you along with the house. I’m not pressuring you, not at all. I only want you to know that this has always been my plan, even if I never voiced it aloud or showed you my intentions.” He hands me the box, which I now recognize as a paper box holding something much more special inside.
Once I flip open the top, I find a ring box inside of it. My heart hammers. I was so close to everything I’d wanted, but I got impatient. Made ultimatums. And he kept everything too secret. We both made a royal mess of this relationship.
“Rafe,” I whisper. “Is this what I think it is?”
He nods. “You can look at it if you want.”
Do I want to see it? Do I want to look at this box and think about what might have been or wait and see what will come?
“I think…I’d rather wait. Is that okay?” I make eye contact with him to find his eyes filled with tears. This is so hard for him. It’spainful in ways I can’t even imagine because I’m on this side of it. In much the same way, he probably can’t fully understand my pain and frustration.
But that’s life, isn’t it?
“I only want to wait to see it when the time is right, and I want it to happen, Rafe. I’m back in this with you, a hundred percent. And as much as I love Ireland and being here with you, I think it might be time to head back to reality and try to work this out in a way that works for both of us.”
“You want to leave? You’re ready to go home already?” he asks, his tone bordering on panic.
I curl my fingers around the back of his neck and pull him close. Resting my forehead on his, I sigh. “I don’t ever want to leave, but we live across the ocean, Rafe. It’s time to make this work back home, not just here.”
He envelops me in his arms and hugs me tight, soothing some of the worry and fear I still have that we’ll mess up again. Admittedly, that is easing by the moment. This house, the ring, it all says he had planned on forever. We only have to get this communication thing down pat, and I think we can.
