Page 26 of Down the Aisle
Hell, I wouldn't have been a married woman in the first place. I had my reservations with James back then, but I always ignored them because I wanted to be loved by someone so badly. Plans to be a pharmacist before settling with Mr. Right were stripped away the more I let James dig his claws into me.Marriage right out of high school certainly wasn't in my plans, but he convinced me with sweet lies about a wonderful life full of rainbows and sunshine.
Breathing deeply, I shook those bubbling thoughts out of my mind before they could spill over and take root again.
Constant denial had swallowed me up like quicksand until every part of me was snuffed out. The person I was when I met Adam, had felt so foreign to me whenever I took any time to dwell on my life. If I hadn’t needed to hold it together for Asher, then a few mental breakdowns, and maybe a trip or two to the psychiatric ward, would've burned themselves into my record. But I had to be strong for Asher. He only had me, and I couldn't let him down.
I already fucked up my own life. No way would I screw Asher's up. Even if I didn't plan for him, I still had him, so he was my responsibility. He’d done nothing wrong to deserve a bad life, and, even if I didn't have much to give him, I'd do my damn best to give him a happy life.
Nothing like a mother's love. I never understood that until I laid eyes on Asher for the first time. He honestly brought something out in me, a spark I'd thought no longer existed after years of suffering at James's hand.
If we weren't on the run, then maybe I could nurture that spark into an actual fire and make something of myself.
"Eliza quit fretting over there. You're going to look all wrinkly and gray like me sooner rather than later if you keep scrunching your face like that and stressing your young mind." Mary's playful chiding slammed the breaks on my train of thought. "Asher is going to be fine. Adam is a wonder when it comes to children, so don't worry." Her assurance did little to ease the mom-guilt that welled up inside of me.
It had only been fifteen minutes since I separated myself from Asher, allowing Adam to leave with him, but the guilt andanxiety gnawed at me like some beaver going at some wood. I knew he was safe, but I had bad separation anxiety when it came to Asher. Even in the past, when I left Asher with Mary, it was only for the briefest of moments. I never took longer doing what errands I needed because the thought of Asher being away from me tore at me. Describing the sheer dread from the constant onslaught of damning thoughts that came from being away from Asher was impossible.
Without Asher, I felt hollow.
It probably wasn't healthy to measure my worth by the type of mother I was to my son, but I had nothing else in the world besides him.
A sudden jolt of warmth on my shoulder brought me back to reality. "It's only just a few hours, then you'll be back home with a doting man waiting on you hand and foot." My ears zoned in to Mary's voice as my eyes glanced over at her appreciatively. "I know it feels impossible, but stop worrying about Asher so much. He is in amazing hands, trust me." At least her warm and affirming smile settled some of my nerves, thankfully.
Her joyful laugh made it impossible for me to keep the smile from showing on my face. "Get on with cleaning while I finish my cookies for you to take with you," she urged me with a soft pat on my shoulder before she left for her kitchen.
It was damn near impossible not to think about Asher the whole time I cleaned Mary's place. The constant photos from Adam did nothing to ease the turmoil within me either. Seeing Asher laughing and having fun melted my heart with pure bliss, but it also cracked it to pieces from the sadness of not being there to fully witness those moments. Pictures could only do so much to capture a memory, and I was greedy when it came to Asher. I wanted every little bit of his life engrained into my own memory bank.
Also, seeing Asher have fun without me felt like a slap to the face. Yes, Asher needed to grow up and become independent; it was only a matter of time before he would be off on his own. But I didn't want any of that yet. I didn't want him to grow up so fast. Like some selfish prick, I wanted to keep Asher and all his baby cuteness to myself—to keep him my baby forever.
The temptation to ask Adam to bring Asher back beckoned me like some twisted demon after my soul. Sending the message would've been so simple. Just a few taps of my fingers and Asher would be back by my side before I knew it.
But I can't.
I shouldn't.
Besides the fact Asher was currently happily napping his tired little baby brain away, it was a little ridiculous. He was fine and content; it'd be bad to ruin things for him. But God, I wanted him back so badly. I wanted to have him sleeping a few feet from me to peak at him whenever I missed him, to reach out and touch and adore him with my eyes.
Almost robotically, I cleaned the house at a faster-than-usual pace because of my agitation. No matter how much I tried to vent it out by scrubbing at the grout of the tiles, running the mop back and forth against the wooden floors, scrubbing at the sink, and shining all the mirrors and surfaces, the irksome feeling wouldn't stop festering in my chest. Every little back-and-forth movement only served to worsen the feeling; it was as if I pulled at a cord to my irritation, revving it up and causing more build-up rather than releasing it with my activities.
"Eliza, don't make me send you out to the barn to chuck hay bales." If it weren't for the stringent look, her playful threat would have flown over my head. "If you need a good outlet for the worry, some time in the barn helps, and the fresh air helps quite a bit, too."
Sighing in defeat, I sucked in a deep breath and held it stubbornly until I felt myself grow lightheaded. "I don't know why it's bothering me so much when it shouldn't bother me at all," I grumbled as I helped Mary clean up the kitchen from her baking adventures.
"Because it is a huge deviation from your normal routine, and it's so sudden. I mean, I remember how antsy you were when Rob and I first offered to watch Asher. You were such a fluster when you came back in half an hour," Mary mused with a chuckle, grabbing out some to-go boxes. "It will take some time, but it'll become your new normal before you know it. Heck, if Adam does become a constant in your life, then you can finally pick back up that college career of yours and finish it out with the time and support he'll be able to give you."
I couldn't help but smile grimly as my hopes sank to the bottom of the endless ocean. There was no way I could go back to school. Not only did I not have the funds, but if I had to keep my head low, enrolling in university and getting out there was the last thing I should do. Also, I couldn't afford to devote six to eight years of my life to a pharmacy degree. That ship sailed long ago and sank after being assaulted by cannonballs from all angles.
Humming flatly in response, I took the boxes from Mary to fully assemble them. "I don't know about having Adam as a constant in my life, though." At least I could admit something truthful out loud. "I just… I don't know him, and he seems kind of too good to be true, and I don't want to get hurt or find out later down the line, after I get involved with him, that Asher doesn't get along with him or he feels different, and I just don't know about him." Well, now everything came out after I pulled the plug.
My worries rambled on and on until Mary grabbed my shoulders and flashed me a stern look. "Eliza, honey, that's whatthe dating period is for," she reminded me with a motherly smile. "And life is nothing if you don't take chances. You can't play it safe all your life, or you'll get nowhere." Comfortingly, she rubbed my shoulders and upper arms. "And yes, dating is scary, but what is your heart and gut telling you about Adam?"
"Mary, my gut and heart don't exactly have a good track record," I joked dryly with a chuckle. "I don't know if I can trust it with how much it's led me astray," I admitted with a crestfallen smile.
"We all learn from our mistakes as we mature, and it's a part of human nature to stumble here and there," Mary said with a wary chuckle. Turning away from me to the cookies, she started to lift them off the baking sheet before continuing, "But we have to fall in order to learn. If we don't fall, then how will we learn to get up? Or to not do what we did that caused the fall?"
Her warm eyes glanced at me intermittently as she sorted the delicacies of cookies into the various boxes. "No doubt you've learned from your past at this point, and your instincts have honed after becoming a mother. So, you need to trust yourself a little more." Reaching over, she gently patted my arm. "I care for you, Eliza, and I usually don't advise those I care about to take chances easily if I don't have a good feeling about things." The genuine smile on her face, along with her tender look, made it hard for me to resist her advice.
"You don't have to flop at his feet, but give Adam a chance." Her old and worn eyes lit up with a nostalgic and hopeful fire. "Both of you are good people who need to take chances, but you are also both young and stubborn. Your hearts and souls already know before your mind, but you two don't want to admit the sparks that light up the whole world around you."
Furrowing my brows together, I let out a ridiculous chuckle as I hugged Mary tightly. "Okay, I get your point. Let's not get too deep and sentimental because my heart won't be able tohandle it." Having it said to my face repeatedly wouldn't make the situation any different.
