Page 69 of Down the Aisle
On the other hand, it'd be better to separate them sooner rather than later, too.
Fucking hell!
Letting out a frustrated groan, I ruffled my already messy bedhead as I paced around the grand bathroom. "God damn it, Eliza, get a grip of yourself," I mumbled out loud, slumping over the counter with my head in my hands. "Just tell him, tell him, and take the consequences of your shit storm."
Better to hurt yourself now than later.
After breakfast, it'd happen after breakfast. It had to.
Unfortunately, it did not happen after breakfast… nor did it happen after lunch… or dinner.
I kept chickening out every time he'd look at me with that stupid smiling face. No matter how much I worked myself up, it'd all go up in flames the moment a peaceful moment settled between us. I couldn't bring myself to ruin the only good thing in my life right now besides Asher.
Too bad my cowardice wouldn't let me live things down. Every time I tried to push things off, a surge of guilt would grip my chest until it felt like I was suffocating. By the time late evening rolled around, I felt dead.
My whole body, especially my chest, ached with a tightness. I felt like a strung-out string, ready to snap at the slightest touch. Every breath I took to try and ease my anxiety and guilt resulted in more suffocation. I felt like I'd pass out any given second from the lack of oxygen. Well, it felt like a lack of oxygen to my dazed mind. Physiologically, I was fine. My whole body perfused oxygen just fine, but mentally, it felt like I was getting nothing.
Honestly, I might faint before this damn movie was over. It's not like I paid any attention to the moving figures on the flat screen—I couldn't!
Mentally, I was in a whole other stratosphere.
"Eliza darling?" Adam's concerned voice sounded so distant even though he sat right next to me.
The muscles in my head and eyes strained to move my head and gaze at him, and I felt like a damn stupefied zombie staring at him blankly. Mustering up any kind of energy to push my nonexistent emotions to the surface was impossible with how turbulent my mind was. Well, if I was honest, my whole mental health had been in the shit hole for a long while now.
Pressure and warmth wrapped around my body, and I could feel myself being jerked one way until I was seated elsewhere but on the couch. "Mia rosa," he spoke up again, this time with moreworry. "I don't want to push you or anything when it comes to you opening up to me, but you have to give me something."
Something rough and firm cupped my face, turning my head about until my eyes focused on a familiar pair of stony ones. "I know you need the time and space to process things and arrive at them at your own pace and shit, but you need to give me something right here, right now." His soft empathy hardened demandingly. "You are worrying me with how distracted you've been, so please, talk to me. Give me something." He sounded a little torn with his pleading, as if he wanted to rip my confessions from my very soul.
His grip on my face tightened slightly as his jaw clenched, and a heavy breath pressed out of his body. "I am so torn between letting you go about your merry way with some light nudging and strapping you down and belting you until you talk through your tears and sobs." I don't think I've ever seen his eyes become so dark with intent and so broken with care until now.
The whole world came crashing down on me. It felt like a bomb went off and blew my dam apart. It started as a shiver; then it moved into a tremble before my whole body broke out in a full sob. "I'm just so exhausted," I managed to strain through my uncontrollable crying. "I don't know what to do or what I want, and I just feel lost and so tired and so ugh!"
Finding the right words to describe the turmoil within me was difficult, and what I threw out just now didn't come close to scratching the surface. "And I'm just so scared."
Things between Adam and I were getting serious, and that terrified me. Everything was so perfect, and I didn't like that. Things shouldn't be perfect! Not when it was all built on a lie. Yes, I wanted and needed a new life, but it was killing me every day to keep my past from Adam.
In hindsight, it might not matter since it was the past. Most of it shouldn't affect us, but I felt such guilt over keeping it allfrom him the more he opened up to me about his life. I wanted to tell him about my boring life growing up when he'd talk about all the fun times he had playing sports growing up, but I couldn't. Instead, I had to feed him spoonful after spoonful of lies about a quaint life in a place I've never been to in my life.
Holding me tight and close, he kissed the side of my head. Soothing me with soft shushes, he stroked the back of my head while occasionally wiping away my burning tears. "What are you scared about?"
Through my pathetic sobs, I managed to get my strangled words out. "Of losing you… Of losing all of—" I waved an arm around, gesturing at everything around us and the two of us. "This."
Adam's eyebrows furrowed together slightly in irritation and concern as he stared at me for a long while. Before I could question him about it, he pulled me into a tight hug, shoving my face into his chest. "You won't." He sounded so certain, and that worried me.
Why did he sound so sure? Why wasn't his answer calming me? Having such assurance should've settled my nerves. Yet, I couldn't find any solace in his firm words.
"You willneverlose me." His usual soothing strokes to my hair and back did nothing but raise my hackles this time around.
Taking in a shaky breath, I pushed myself away to look up at him warily. "Don't say that." For once, I didn't feel safe around Adam, not with how his hawklike eyes bore right through me. "You don't know what I'm hiding from you to say something like that with such certainty."
Cupping my face with both his hands, he focused my gaze on his unwavering one. "Tell me and see if I run." It was almost a command as it was a challenge with his smug and strong tone. "Because I can promise you—no, I swear to you, that I won't endour relationship no matter what comes out of your mouth the next minute."
There was an edge of excitement to his voice that made fear grip at every single one of my nerve endings until I could feel the chill of it down to my bones. None of this felt right. I felt… trapped almost. It felt like Adam was some predator cornering me, toying with me until he was ready to pounce.
Further pushing him away, I slowly backed away from him by scooting backward on the couch. "I-I… I-I'm not who you think I am…" Everything pounded within me as I continued to nervously back away from Adam, who slowly advanced on me. My heart rammed against my chest like a raging bull wanting out, and every pump of blood rushed against my eardrums as my every breath became white noise. "I haven't—"
A sharp gasp cut my sentence short when Adam suddenly lunged forward, causing me to squeak and lay flat on the couch with him looming over me. "I know."
