Page 19 of Borrowed
“No, no.Sister.Keep her screams a secret.Keep our fun between us.The candy made Mila sick.Not you.”Toby’s voice made me calm.
“Tabitha.”The woman leaned forward, her eyes soft, like she thought she understood.“Why don’t you want to remember the pillow?Did something happen with Mila’s pillow?”
“They won’t understand my sister,” Toby whispered.“ She belonged to us.Her screams belonged to us.The candy made her sleep.Tell them about the candy.”
“Tabitha,” the woman urged.
“No,” I whispered.I didn’t know what I was saying anymore.The words felt slippery, like trying to hold onto a fish with wet hands.“No.The candy made Mila sick.”
Toby stepped closer, his breath against my ear.
“They won’t believe you if you don’t make them.Tell them you slept.Tell them the crying boy is to blame.We were only playing.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing in deep, trying to remember how to say it.
“She wouldn’t stop crying.I think the candy made her sick.Made her sleep.I didn’t know it would happen.I didn’t want her to die.I just wanted to sleep…”
I stopped again, looking down at my hands.They were shaking, but I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or something else.I hadn’t been in control of them for a long time.
Toby was behind me now, his fingers at the back of my neck, pushing my head forward, making me feel heavy.
“You did it, Sister.You claimed her.You did it for both of us.She’s ours now.Forever.”
“No,” I said, louder this time.I slapped my hands against my knees.The woman flinched, but I didn’t care.I wanted to feel my own skin again.“I didn’t mean to.It wasn’t me.It was the candy.”
The man and woman exchanged another look.I knew what that look meant.They didn’t believe me.They never did, just like Toby said.
But Toby was there.He was always there.
Behind me.
Above me.
In the spaces I couldn’t fill.
The woman sighed, and the man scribbled something on his paper.
“We’ll take a break, Tabitha.We’ll let you think about what happened.We’ll have some doctors look at what Mila took from the other patient.You don’t have to say anything more right now.We’ll talk again soon.”
I nodded.The door clicked open, and a nurse appeared, standing in the doorway with that sad face.She looked like she was going to cry, too, but didn’t know how.
I stood, following the nurse down the hallway.The lights buzzed again, angry bees, but I wasn’t listening.I didn’t care anymore.I had said what I needed to say.The rest would fall into place.
Toby was behind me, always behind me, walking with a slow, careful step.
“They’ll never believe you, Zusje,” he whispered.“Because they think you’re sick.But I always will.”
They made me sit in a different room after the questions.White walls again.Still quiet.A painting of a boat that didn’t make sense—no water, just sky.I tilted my head at it until my eyes hurt.
I curled into the chair.It smelled like bleach and someone else’s fear.I pressed my knees to my chest and tried not to look at the door.I already knew who was coming.
Mother walked in first.
Her heels always sounded like judgment.
Click, click, click.
Toby never liked her heels.He said they hurt.
