Page 6 of Borrowed
Between my thighs.
I wanted to laugh, but it would sound like screaming.
We passed locked doors, plastic chairs, and smiling cartoon brains.Toby said it was all a joke.
He said, “I’m not broken, just his.”
A new doctor came by to greet me.This man didn’t smile.He looked at my feet, and I wondered if he saw the blood that I did.
Dr.Lin smelled like peppermints and metal.
“Why do you think you’re here?”he said.
I giggled.I didn’t mean to.It just slipped out.
Like the time I slipped my fingers inside its mouth and pulled them out.
“Because love hurts.Duh.”
Toby stroked my hair from behind.His fingers were cold today.
“Tell them, Zusje.Tell them you wear them to feel what they feel.To feel their love.Tell them how you love me even in pieces.”
But I shook my head.
Because they wouldn’t understand.
They never did.
Instead, I said, “When I wake up warm, it’s not blood, Dr Lin.It’s him.He fills me.”
Dr.Lin scribbled.The pen sounded like chewing.The lights hummed mean.
“Who does, Ms.Crowley?”
I looked at the desk and saw Toby’s smile in the reflection.We matched, but that was our secret.
Next, they showed me a room.I called it a coffin.
My roommate was Mila, the one who liked cats.She was quiet, or maybe dead.I tried not to stare.
Toby followed me in the reflection of the wall’s shadow, slinking around the bedframe like smoke.
“Undress, Sister.I want to see you shiver before you sleep.”
So I did.
I pressed my thighs together with the cool sheet between them and pretended it was his mouth.
I said his name too loud.And Mila cried in her dreams.
I smiled.
Poor Mila needed her kitties.
Toby’s hands made me squeak like my bunnies when I hugged them too hard.
Because when he touched me, everything made sense.
