Page 29 of Trials of Dusk and Dreams
“Are you all okay?” I test. “Is there anything I can do to help you feel more at home here? I help myself to everything and go wherever I want, but the same won’t work for you. It must feel foreign here and so different from your old world.”
The words tumble out. Part of me still can’t believe they want to stay, that they accept me.
I used to stumble across my mother wistfully speaking with her girlfriends about things they miss from their time. Even after twenty years, that longing hadn’t passed. My heart aches to hear the pain in their voices, especially when they speak about friends or family they’ll never see again. My gaze swings to Peggy, who lost her adult daughter. A part of me wishes that I could bring them all back, but even if I had my powers, the Well—the deities of the Cauldron do what they want. They always have. We’re just pawns in their battle for dominance.
Geraldine sighs and sits next to me. “I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there was a time we all thought it was easier to be dead than alive. But we’re fine, babe. Honestly, this is heaven compared to what we’ve been subjected to. You’ve made such a difference in our lives already.”
She pauses, her eyes growing distant. “Sometimes I wonder about my family back in Chicago. If they survived the nuclear winter or are somehow down in the Subterranean. It’s hard not knowing.”
Max nods, his voice soft. “I miss my dad’s terrible jokes and our Sunday barbecues. But being here, with all of you . . . It’s like we’ve found a new family.”
“Yeah, love.” Peggy sniffs and shrugs. “But I still miss my daughter. And the bloody corgis back home, their barking, their cuddles. Even their messes in my azaleas.” She laughs, tears in her eyes. “I think I even miss the smell of dog shit. Sounds bonkers, right? But I’m learning to appreciate the magic of this place, too.”
“Maybe,” I suggest hesitantly, “we could find a way to honor your old lives here? Could we set up a small memorial garden for Peggy or find books from your time for Max? Or ask Cricket to make those sugar cookies your mother made, Geraldine.”
She blinks. “When did I tell you that?”
Heat hits my cheeks. “When I met you.”
Their faces light up at the suggestions, and I feel like I’m finally doing something right. We might be in a strange, dangerous realm but have each other. And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough to build a new home for them.
As for my family, I’m still working up the courage to contact them. Guilt has a way of holding me back from doing what’s right, especially if it involves making an apology. I’m only beginning to understand the pain I’ve caused them. I just want to be in a good place when I talk to them, so when I reveal I’m not coming home—not yet—I don’t crumble under the weight of that guilt. If all I can give them is my happiness, then I want it to be irrefutable . . . with all of my mates by my side.
Peggy sniffs and shrugs. “I kind of feel bad for the Nevers in the tournament now.”
“You mean, since the other Nothings are dead,” Geraldine adds wryly.
I rub my eyes. “Fair point.”
“You’re right.” Peggy scrubs a hand over her short hair. “I can’t believe how callous this place is making me.”
“You’re not callous,” Geraldine points out. “It’s just hard to think about what we’ve lost sometimes because we’re in survival mode.”
Marina pipes up, waving her comb at us. “Isn’t it Yule this weekend? My Captain Rubal Jackam loved Yule. He would hoard his most favored treasures from his journeys and then give them to me at Yule.”
Geraldine’s brows pucker. “Yule. Like Christmas?”
I nod, a wistful smile touching my lips. “My mom and her friends still celebrate Christmas in Elphyne.” Sadness squeezes my heart when I realize I won’t be there with them this year. And my friends won’t be with theirs. “I’m sorry you won’t be spending this tradition with your family, those who never”—my throat clogs—“woke up with you.”
“No one blames you,” Peggy says, coming over and giving me a maternal hug I want to sink into. “We all know you’re not a bad person.”
“You say that because you know me. But if anyone else found out I’m responsible for them being here, they might not think the same way.” Before I overthink that problem, I quickly move the topic to planning gifts. “Maybe we can find something after classes. Providing the week’s training doesn’t ruin our bodies.”
We fall silent and ponder our options when Peggy pipes up. “Actually, hun, there is something you can help us with.”
“Name it,” I return.
“Well . . .” She looks at her two friends, who give her a nod of encouragement. “We want to be of more use around the castle. The weekends and nights might be boring if you’re off with yourdark dreamboats. Perhaps you could give us tasks to help with the upkeep?”
“Dark dreamboats?” I flinch. “I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like something Fox will eat up and never let you forget. Please don’t call him that, or I’ll never hear the end of it.”
“He’s a scoundrel!” Marina shouts, waving her hairbrush at them. “He’ll love it!”
We have a giggle amongst ourselves. Their laughter, their easy acceptance . . . it soothes something inside. It’s nice to talk about Fox as though he’s not dead. I bask in the warm and fuzzy feelings my friends give me. They’re so different from what Alfie or any others have given me. Sadly, even Rory always erected a wall between us, no matter how much she tried to care for me. It saddens me that some people never discover this feeling, but I hope it can be waiting around the corner for anyone. They just need to step outside their comfort zone first.
“So . . .” I grin and drop my chin into my hand. “You want jobs around the castle, huh? What do you think, Cricket?”
“Thank our lucky stars the Cauldron has finally provided.” She grins back at me. “I’ve been asking the masters for a little help. Poor Finch is run ragged around the grounds. And with the rooms changing nightly, goodness, it’s a tough job keeping things pristine. We’re lucky none of the visiting gentry get to the upper levels.” At my curious look, she adds, “The Knight Commander’s study is always on the lower level. Almost as if the castle doesn’t want anyone snooping around, you know?”
