Page 10 of Saving Little Jenna
I shrugged. "I don't know if going after Jenna is even the right thing to do. I've had so many failed relationships, at this point I'm almost sure it's gonna end the same way, with her finding me too overprotective and dominating before she breaks up."
"You're overthinking things, Clark." John gently rocked his boy back and forth, one hand still stroking his head. "Age play revolves around taking care of your Little and making them feel safe. You've always been good at both, so I think Jenna is who you've been searching for all your life."
"Assuming I decide to be Jenna's Daddy," I said. "I don't know the first thing about being one. What if I do things wrong? How does one even learn to be a Daddy? I wish there was a handbook on being one. You've always been such a good Daddy to your boy. I'll be happy if I'm half as good."
John smiled and kissed Michael on the head. "My boy is naughty but I love him just the same. But don't you see? Every Daddy and Little have a different dynamic. Age play is about making your Little feel safe and being the Daddy your Little needs you to be since every Little has different needs. So it's important that you communicate with each other at all times. Some days are gonna be good and some bad. The bad days are going to hurt a Daddy like hell. It's hard to see your Little overthink, suffer, or worry too much. We want them to be stress-free and happy all the time, but the world is cruel and we do our best to protect them from it. But as long as a Little has their Daddy with them, they know everything's going to be alright, that daddy's going to take care of their problems and keep them safe. They just need to be themselves and not worry about a thing. Also, trust me. With time, you'll be just as good a Daddy as me, if not better. I've known you all my life and I know you're a good man."
It was beautiful to see John care about his boy just as much even years after they first fell in love. Everyone in our friend's circle, gay or straight, looked up to them. Being a Daddy was a full-time job, so it was a lot harder than it looked. People in other relationships didn't usually spend all their free time with each other. On the other hand, a Daddy spent most of his free time taking care of his Little. That meant getting too attached to the point where they become one person. I knew that since I had never seen someone as close as John and Michael were. If one of them was hurt, the other would hurt just as much.
"I knew I could come to you with this," I said. "I do have another concern. It's about disciplining your Little. I never believed in inflicting pain. Littles are so sensitive and innocent. I just wouldn't be able to strike a Little when it came down to it."
"You don't have to." John shook his head. "Disciplining is to let your Little know there are consequences to not listening to their Daddy's rules. The rules are for their own good. Sometimes Littles have a hard time understanding what's good for them and what's not. As their Daddy, it's our duty to show them. You don't have to inflict pain. You could make your Little stand in a corner or go to her room when they don't listen. They usually understand their Daddies discipline them only because they care enough to correct their behavior. You know how naughty my boy is. I only use spankings to discipline my boy, but I never go hard on him. Besides, we've discussed our safe word and Michael knows he can use it when he wants me to stop in case things go too far. He's never used it before because he knows I never give him more than he can handle."
"A safe word, huh?" I nodded. "I need to have one with Jenna too. I can't wait for Jenna to meet Michael. I have a feeling they're gonna be good friends. They're both such gentle souls."
Michael suddenly turned around and popped the pacifier out of his mouth before rubbing his eyes and giggling. "Yes, yes. I'm a very gentle soul. Have her over for a playdate with me and I'm sure she'll turn into a good girl too."
John scoffed and rolled his eyes. "A naughty girl, more like."
"I thought you had fallen asleep, Michael," I said.
"I feel sleepy but I can't have a nap, uncle Clark." Michael continued rubbing his eyes and let out a loud yawn. "You haven't played with me in so long, I'm too excited to fall asleep. You know, nobody comes around to play with me anymore. Elijah is living in the woods with his daddies and it'll be months before he returns."
"Alright then." I got off the couch and sat on the floor cross-legged before tapping my lap. "I'll read you a book to help you fall asleep. How about I read you your favorite one? The wolf who couldn't swim."
"Yay!" Michael wiggled in John's lap before climbing down onto the floor. "I haven't read that in days. I'll be right back."
Michael crawled into his nursery and returned with the book in his hand before I knew it.
"Whoa, you're already back!" I said as he handed me the book and took a seat in my lap. "How did you crawl back so fast?"
"Magic!" Michael giggled and put the binky in his mouth as he rested his head against my chest and looked up at me expectantly with big eyes.
"Once upon a time, there was a wolf who couldn't swim...," I began reading. Halfway through the book, he began rubbing his eyes again. By the end, the binky had fallen out of his mouth and he was fast asleep against my chest.
It was a great feeling to know that someone felt comfortable enough around you to fall asleep in your lap. I couldn't wait for Jenna to do the same one day. Michael was obsessed with wolves and his friend Elijah loved bears, which were beginning to look like a pattern. I wondered if Jenna’s favorite animal was a dog. I made a mental note to find out so I could gift her a stuffed toy.
When I nodded at John on the couch, he scooped his boy up in his arms and carried him to the nursery. It would be hours before he'd wake up, and he'd be sad that he didn't get to play with me longer. But I knew I'd be back with Jenna for a playdate soon if things went as planned.
When John returned to the living room, we talked some more before I left. Sitting in my car, I decided then and there. Seeing Michael and John reminded me how beautiful an age relationship can be. I wanted Jenna and me to be as happy as them. There was no point in waiting any longer. I had to tell my baby girl I wanted to be her Daddy. Every minute I waited was a waste of time. As I started the car, I couldn't help but smile ear to ear. The idea of Jenna crawling around the house in a diaper and sucking on a binky was too adorable.
The moment I reached home, I called out for Jenna. "Jenna, could you come downstairs? There's something I need to tell you."
It seemed silly to tell her how much I liked her only after knowing her for a week, but sometimes you just know when you come across the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I paced around the living room with hands on my hips. It had only been hours and yet I could hardly wait to see her beautiful face again. I waited for her to come downstairs with a bright smile, but when I didn't hear from her, I headed upstairs to find her bedroom door open. I walked in and noticed that the bag she brought with her was missing. The clothes I bought for her were still on the bed.
I rushed downstairs and this time I noticed a handwritten note on the table. I picked it up and my smile slowly faded as I began to read it. Blood froze in my veins at the possibility of never seeing my baby girl again. Just when I thought I had found my life partner, this had to happen. How could she have left me without even saying goodbye? Did she not feel for me what I felt for her? Had our relationship ended even before it started?
No, I couldn't give up so easily. All of my exes left me but this wasn't the same. She wouldn't have left had she known how much I cared about her. I knew Jenna was meant to be my baby girl.
I rushed out the front door and into my car, reminding myself not to cross the speed limit under any circumstances. I didn't know where to look, but I wouldn't stop searching until I found her. We had a connection and people spent a lifetime searching for anything close.
Chapter 5: Jenna
It was a stupid idea to stand in the rain. My clothes were wet and it wasn't a nice feeling. Yet I was glad I did it. I remembered looking out the window in fascination when it rained, always wondering if standing in it felt just like showering. Now I knew and I was proud of myself for doing things I've always wanted to do.
Ever since I left him a note, all I could think about was Clark. It was physically painful to be so far away from him, but I hoped it would get better with time. I should be grateful for his kindness, try to forget him, and move on. But how could I? It wasn't every day you liked someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them. I would forever have to wonder if he liked me back, and if I'd thrown away my only possibility of a happy life.
