Page 45 of Saving Little Jenna
I smiled when he said it back and I closed my eyes. I was going to hear it for the rest of my life and each time would give me just as much joy as the first. Uncle John kissed Michael goodnight and handed him his favorite stuffie, a stuffed wolf toy. I was handed Doggo and when I felt my binky pressed against my lips, I began sucking on it vigorously. Michael and I wrapped our arms around each other because we needed to feel somebody's warmth to sleep peacefully.
Switching the lights off, our Daddies left and stood in the doorway, looking at us sleep from a distance.
"Don't they look so cute together?" Daddy whispered and uncle John agreed. "I knew they'd hit it off. She thought she would never have a friend but look at them now. Their friendship is only going to get stronger with time."
When the door closed, we sat up in bed and giggled in unison. He turned the lamp on and stretched his arms. We had secretly planned to stay up all night talking. After all, where was the fun in a sleepover where all you did was sleep? Needless to say, our eyelids got heavier with time and an hour later, we were fast asleep hugging onto each other and sucking on our binkies.
Daddy came to pick me up after breakfast the next morning as promised. Each time we separated, we were dramatic in our goodbyes and our Daddies found it hilarious. We acted as if one of us was going off to war and would never return. In truth, there wasn't a day that passed without us talking on the phone. I was still getting used to texting.
Days turned into weeks and my love for Daddy only grew stronger with time. I could physically feel his love healing me with each passing day, I thought less and less about my past. Instead, our future together occupied most of my thoughts now.
Daddy had gotten into the habit of dropping me off at Michael's whenever he had to go to the office for work. Uncle John and Michael worked from home and whenever I was over, uncle John would work from the couch while watching over us. It was fascinating when I sometimes got to watch Michael walking around as a grown-up instead of crawling, which only happened when he was lost deep in his work of social media marketing. It made me want to make something out of my life too. Too bad I was robbed of opportunities when my parents decided to stop educating their children.
One night I went to bed with Daddy and the day had been just like any other, where I felt loved and cared for. Slowly as I slipped into sleep, I was taken to a distant land where cruelty was the norm. I found myself as a young child locked in the dark basement for days like an animal, crying myself to sleep in darkness during the harshest summer, screaming for just a drop of water. But no, just like food, water would only be given once a day, first thing in the morning, and not enough to survive. I was sure I would die this time. I had survived it a dozen times before but this time surely I wouldn't. How could I, when I had grown so much since the last time but the quantity of food and water remained the same each time?
Just as each time before, the mind began to play tricks on me. I was in complete darkness and there were no sounds. The mind needed constant audio-visual sensations to make sense of its surroundings. When it's robbed of them, the mind begins creating its own reality. This time I was out in the real world after running away from home, experiencing life instead of merely existing. Gone was eternal darkness, replaced by beautiful bright sunlight, green trees, and singing birds. It felt so real there was no point reminding myself of the harsh truth that I was still in the basement. The reality was often disappointing. Only days later the illusion finally came to an end when the door to the basement opened, the light blinding and the smallest of sounds deafening. I looked down at my tiny body which had been shriveled and life sucked out of it, mere bones left of what was once Jenna, hanging between life and death, preferring the sweet release of death at the age of thirteen instead of this constant torture.
Once out of the basement, I was no longer the same Jenna. I was a badly broken version and it was exactly what my parents wanted. Every time I was put in there, I could never tell if I was in there for weeks or months. In the darkness of a basement, there was no sunrise or sunset to keep track of time, only silence and sadness. Usually, I started with counting the number of meals to keep track of the days, but soon the number would become so large that there was no point in keeping count. No number of screams or crying would change their mind anyway, so swiftly I began to accept it as my new reality, hoping and praying life would just end before I get to face it all over again. And all this suffering for what? Just because this time I'd been caught trying to learn about the outside world. They could take away my will to live, but they could never take away my curiosity.
Now panic slowly began to set in when it occurred to me that in truth, I was still in the basement, having hallucinated the whole part where I escaped, fell in love with Daddy, and befriended Michael. It all made sense. My mind had come up with a way to cope with darkness and silence like it always did, except this time it gave me exactly what I wanted. A loving Daddy and a caring friend.
Oh, no! Daddy wasn't real? But his love sure felt real. If he wasn't real, how could I picture his loving face so clearly? Tears began to form in my eyes as I tried hard to remember what Daddy looked like, but couldn't.
Daddy had lied to me then. He had promised to take care of me, to protect me from everyone and everything. Yet here I was, locked up alone in a basement, unloved and uncared for. Why had Daddy abandoned me? I had made up my mind. This time when I escaped my parents, I'd beg Daddy to take me back.
The door to the basement now opened and horror came upon me when I saw Daddy standing at the top of the stairs with an evil smile. Daddy had been my oppressor this time.
I screamed at the top of my voice as I opened my eyes and realized it was all just a nightmare. I hadn't hallucinated falling in love and it brought a smile to my face. It soon faded as I slowly began to realize that everything else in the dream had truly happened in the past. It was part of the past I'd been running away from.
My heart raced as I relived the horrific memories of begging and crying while being dragged down into the basement. I had spent months there that time, even losing my thirteenth birthday to darkness. It was the longest I'd ever been in there, and one of the few times I wasn't there as part of the cruel ritual.
I had tried hard not to think about the darkest memories ever since I ran away, but now they were all flooding back in one after the other. It was all too much and I burst into tears, throwing my head back and crying hysterically.
Why did I have the nightmare today of all days? Was it a sign thathewas closer than ever and would take me back to a life of eternal living hell? Was this heaven I had created with such difficulty finally coming to an end?
When I felt a hand on my shoulder, I flinched and turned to see Daddy through my blurred vision. He was looking up at me with concern. The fear of never seeing him again was back again with full force. It only caused me to sob harder.
Chapter 15: Clark
I woke up to screams and cries. At first, I was alarmed that someone must've broken in and tried to take Jenna away. But she was right by my side, sobbing in the darkness. I put a hand on her shoulder and when she looked at me, she only cried harder.
"I don't want to lose you, Daddy!" She said between sobs. "I'm scared I'll never see you again."
I sat up in bed and looked at the bedside clock. It was two in the night, so the priority was getting her back to sleep. The more she felt agitated, the more likely it was that she'd stay up all night worrying.
"I'm right here." Wrapping an arm around her, I brought her back to bed and hugged her tight. "You were just having a nightmare, sweetheart. Daddy is right here and I'll never let you go. Now go back to sleep. We'll talk about it in the morning."
The past few weeks had been great and she was so happy, but demons always return to haunt you when you least expect it. Now I was worried for her, but I couldn't help her without knowing what bothered her. It was every Daddy's worst nightmare to watch his baby girl suffer, wanting to help but knowing there's nothing you can do until she trusts you with her worries.
I held her close to my chest. The warmth of my body was enough to help her back into sleep, but I decided to stay up all night just in case she woke up again. Two hours later she was still fast asleep, a couple of brief changes in her breathing pattern probably from another nightmare. If I could keep her safe in her dreams, I would. I stayed up a few more minutes before going back to sleep.
When I woke up early in the morning, I found her sitting in bed with her head in her hands. I stretched my arms and rubbed my face before sitting up next to her.
"How long have you been up?" I gave her a quick peck on the lips.
"Not long." She looked like she'd seen a ghost. "I think it's time I tell you the truth, Daddy. You're a good man and you deserve to know what you're risking by being with me. I'm scared you'll leave me when you realize how much danger we're in. But I'm gonna tell you nevertheless."
I gave her the look which meant she was being silly and pulled her in closer to my chest. "I'll tell you what's likelier. The truth will bring us closer and I'll love you even more."
