Page 37 of Tortured Whispers
“You’re the only one who thinks I’m worth it. You’re the only one who cares. The only one who thinks I’m…pwetty.” My voice cracked on the last word and I kicked myself for letting it come out wrong. It took so much concentration to say things right.
“Brook, you’re beautiful,” he said, stroking the side of my face.
“I’m a cutter. I’m sick. I like watching the blood. I can’t talk wight. My thoughts are jumbled and…I’m in love with my uncle.” My heart thumped against my ribs, begging to break free so that Cease could catch it as it leaped from my body. Then he could hold the most intimate part of me. Maybe the only part that was pure.
“Brooklyn…I love you too.” Our foreheads pressed together and my eyes closed slowly. “I wish you could see how perfect you are. How beautiful you are.”
“People like me aren’t beautiful Caesaw. People like me bleed instead of crying,” I said through gritted teeth.
“There’s beauty in the bleeders too, Brook. The only reason I’m asking you to get help is because I know you need it. I need it too. Things are dark in my mind after losing Ant.
I’m kicking myself every fucking second. I’m at war in my own head and the guilt is heavy.” His words were choked and I felt his pain vibrate through me. It struck my chest and made my breath hitch.
Caesar was broken too.
He was like me.
“W-Why are you kicking yourself?” I stammered, stifling tears.
“Because his death feels like my fucking fault.” His words were forced out through clenched teeth and a stiff jaw. “I finally came home to be closer to you and him then I blow up and yell at him because of all the shit he kept from me. I argued with him, Brooklyn.
I argued after I knew he had a heart condition that was serious enough to need medication for. I did that. I was selfish as fuck and now my…my big brother is gone.” His brown eyes filled with sadness and he looked at the floor to avoid my gaze.
My hands trembled as I knelt before him, lifting his head up so I could see him. “It’s not your fault, Cease,” I told him quietly.
“My heart doesn’t know that. That’s why I’m pushing you to get help. If I can help you maybe I wouldn’t feel like such a fuck up. The only thing that keeps the guilt and self-loathing at bay is your voice and your smile.
How goddamn sick does that make me? I’m falling for you so hard I can’t tell up from down.” He let out a short, dry laugh and stared at the ceiling.
He was falling for me?
Someone like Caesar was capable of loving someone like me? My cheeks prickled with…something. I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Desire.
Love.
Guilt?
I slid my arms around his neck and we hugged for what felt like forever. I didn’t mind though especially once I knew I held his jagged, broken pieces together the same way he held mine together.
“I’ll go talk to the therapist,” I told him barely above a whisper.
“Thank you, Brook,” he sighed letting his shoulders slump a bit.
The mood lightened between us for the rest of the evening and I didn’t feel the need to cut at all. Not even a tingle of an urge. Instead, I ate dinner with Cease, did my homework, and got ready to watch TV with him until we were both dozing off.
Being snuggled against him for so long made me yearn for more. I was going to go in for a kiss when I noticed his eyes were shut and his breathing was rhythmic. He was fast asleep.
Stop pushing your luck with him, Brooklyn.
I stood up and got in the shower instead. I examined my newest bunch of cut marks and cursed myself for being so damn stupid and impulsive. I tried to make a fist with my right hand and while my fingers curled in a bit more, it was still like moving my hand underwater.
I slammed the heel of my hand against the shower knob and shut the water off. I didn’t want to look at my cuts anymore or think about how dumb I was to keep harming myself when I knew it wasn’t good. I wrapped a towel around myself and went into Cease’s room to put on my nightclothes.
“Can you do me a favor?” He was already seated on the bed and his brown eyes were glued to me once I walked out of the steamy bathroom. My skin tingled while he let his stare roam.
“Sewer,” I nodded. Cease smiled at the way I fucked up the word sure but I cringed.
