Page 12 of Capacity
Even though I was numb with the knowledge that my son was gone, I shrieked when they called it. A guttural roar tore from my chest as my knees crashed against the hard, shiny floor. It was as if the doctor saying the time out loud solidified my biggest fear. It brought to life the monsters that only lurked in the corners of my mind as a mother.
My son was dead.
His blood was smudged and smeared on my co-workers like this was another night on the fucking job. Like my son was another reason to do laundry. The entire scene ruined me. It broke me down and ground me to dust.
There was no pain greater. There was no hell that was more torturous. No reality was more bleak than the one without Kaiden.
I didn’t give a damn how qualified I was. I couldn’t ever work in an ER again. I would take any job in the world besides that.
Coco’s soft sigh on the other end of the phone brought me back to the present moment. “I know you don’t want to work in the ER anymore, Lumi. I understand why. I’d be the same way. I guess all that matters is you’re getting back to yourself and that you get to help people.”
Helping people was always my chief concern. Even as a little kid, I was the first one in class to notice my friend’s cough or sniffle. I was always the one to bring homework over if a someone missed class or offering to bring them medicine. I was born to be a nurse. I just couldn’t do emergency work anymore.
“Right. That’s all I care about,” I said.
“Well, I hate to break it to you, Florence Nightingale, but you have to help yourself too. That means eventually you have to find something to do for Lumi and only Lumi.”
“Isn’t helping others enough?” I frowned.
“No, it’s not. Find something else to do, girl. Take a class, do yoga, travel. Feed your soul.” Her words poked at something inside of me but I brushed it off.
“If it’s meant to happen, I’ll find something. Right now, I’m happy to have a job offer…kind of,” I breathed. “If I get this job, we’ll go out to the wine bar again tonight. Deal?” I knew Coco wanted me to get out of the house more and I was going to try a little bit. Maybe enough to get her off my back about it. If I got the Lakeview job and we celebrated, I knew she’d back off for a couple of weeks at least.
“You wanna go back to the bar to see that hot blond guy who bought us wine last night.”
I didn’t even know his name but the mere mention of thehot blond guyhad my lips twitching. It was as close as I’d come to a real smile in a while.
When he walked over to Coco and me at the bar, I expected for him to be pushy and try to get one of us to give him our number. When he chatted for a while then left, I was confused. Maybe even a little disappointed.
I had no idea what I was looking for from him but easy conversation and a free bottle of wine wasn’t it. I never even got his name. If I’d known he was going to chat and run, I would have asked him. I guess I expected him to ask me.
I wasn’t in the right space to entertain a man though so asking for his name would have been pointless. He was just something nice to look at. Very nice. I was depressed and in a strange, dark place but I still appreciated a beautiful man.
The hot blond guy was theepitomeof beautiful. His golden hair and sapphire blue eyes cast an angelic look upon him that almost seemed too good to be true. The sharp, perfectly calculated angles of his face gave him an edge but he still looked like he’d descended from heaven. His killer smile didn’t do much to dissuade the golden boy image either. It was the gloom I saw in his smile that told me he wasn’t all sunshine and golden rays.
“Hey Lumi, text me when you’re done with the interview. Hopefully, I’m done running his highness, Luke around for homecoming.”
“Okay, I’ll text you. Oh, and I don’t want to go back to the bar just to see…him,” I assured her before ending the call.
I looked in the closet for something casually professional to wear. I didn’t want to dress up too much but I also didn’t want to look like I didn’t care. I struggled with my choices for a few minutes before deciding on an ocean blue blouse and a pair of charcoal gray pants. I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if the skinny Ponte pants hugged my hips and ass too much.
I sent a quick picture to Coco and she answered back almost immediately.
Coco: Those are fire! You look amazing!
Me: They’re not too tight?
Coco: Lumi, you can’t hide every inch of ass you were born with or else you’d be wearing parachute pants. You can’t help what your mama gave you.
Me: Wow. You’re no help.
Coco: Wear the pants. They’re fine. Besides, the principal is probably some old guy with a wife and kids who won’t be thinking about how amazing your ass looks.
Me: Bye, Coco.
Coco: Byeee!
I shook my head at our text exchange then looked in the mirror one more time. I put on a cardigan to be safe. I didn’t want to give my new boss the wrong impression no matter how much Coco insisted that I looked fine.
