Page 36 of Capacity
Okay, Knight. I definitely see you. Damn.
“I honestly don’t know. I can’t put into words how I feel right now. I’m not used to guys like you.”
He tried to ease the erection tenting his jeans by adjusting himself and I tried not to stare. It was an arduous task. “Guys like me?” He said thoughtfully. “White guys?” His chuckle was dry and unsure.
My brows crashed together and I shook my head quickly. “What? No. I don’t care what color you are, Knight. When I say I’m not used to guys like you, I mean nice guys. I mean guys that make it hard for me to breathe when we’re in the same room. I mean guys who care.”
His expression softened and he took my hand in his gingerly. My spine was an icy rod and every muscle in my body was pulled taut.
Please don’t let him turn my hand over and see my scars.
Please.
He swiped his thumb over my knuckles then curled his fingers around the back of my neck. I pushed out a relieved breath when he moved away from my hands. Sincerity shone in his sapphire orbs.
“Lumi, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I’m a perfect man. I’m not. I’m a recovering alcoholic and I made some fucked up decisions during times when I blacked out. I don’t like a lot of those choices and I hate that I don’t remember most of them.” His gaze bounced around then landed on me. “I honestly don’t know if I’m still in love with my wife or not. I can’t ask you to be in a relationship with someone like me. I’m a fuck up to the highest degree. I don’t deserve someone like you.”
The urge to tell him that I wasn’t a saint and that I tried to kill myself was so strong I had to shut my eyes against it. He’d think I was weak and pitiful if he knew I slit my wrists on my birthday. He wouldn’t understand the immense pain and unfathomable ocean of loneliness I was drowning in.
“I’m not perfect either, Knight. I will never get over Kaiden’s death. Never. It broke something in me that will never be whole. I don’t ever want to have kids again. I cry myself to sleep so often I’ve lost count and I never want to go out because I’m afraid I’ll see a kid that looks like Kaiden.” I hated putting most of my deep insecurities on display like macabre art.
“So I guess that makes us two damaged people, huh?” He stroked my hair and I let the feeling wash over me like healing waters. I nodded my head and he said, “Where do we go from here then? I’ll go with whatever you say, Lumi as long as we’re still close.”
I found his hand and linked our fingers together while I looked into his eyes. They were blue seas of possibilities. I held my breath and jumped in headfirst. “Let’s ride this wave and see where it takes us,” I told him. “Let’s date for a little while.”
“You sure that’s okay with you?”
“It’s fine. I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise. I have no idea what dating entails anymore so you’ve been warned.” A smile found my lips in the face of uncertainty. I had no idea what I was doing or why I thought it was a smart choice but it made my heart soar.
“Dating means I get to drag you out of the house regularly and treat you like the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“Is that what dating is?” I asked with a smile. “I don’t think I’ve ever dated if that’s the case.”
“Time to change that.” He brushed his lips against mine and my eyes fluttered shut.
What have you gotten yourself into, Lumi?
You’re dating your boss.
He was such a good kisser though.
Was I seriously that easy? All it took to sway me was a kiss?
I was going to wrestle with the fact that I agreed to date Knight for the rest of the evening. Maybe it was just nerves getting the better of me. Maybe I’d made the stupidest decision ever. Either way, I was going to step out on faith and see what happened.
…
CHAPTER 10
When I walked into my office, two bottles of iced tea were waiting on my desk. I didn’t have to read the bright pink sticky note attached to know who put them there. I still snagged the note and smiled while I read Lumi’s curly writing.
Happy two months, Knight.
Instead of tossing the note, I folded it and stuck it in my pocket. Today, I was two months sober. I knew if it weren’t for Lumi and Terrence I would’ve given in a long time ago and cracked into that bottle in my kitchen cabinet.
I didn’t have time to think about that bottle of liquor though because every night, I had dinner with the woman of my dreams. We either ate at her house or mine but tonight would be different. Tonight, I wanted to take Lumi out.
She made no attempts to hide her anxiety about venturing out to public places but I wanted to coax her out of her shell. She’d started to open up so much and it helped that she’d taken to gardening like a pro. She finally had an outlet so she wasn’t always hiding behind her impenetrable wall. Now it was time for her to leave the nest.
