Page 41 of Capacity
“You know how long I’ve wanted to wake up beside you? Hold you in the middle of the night? See how you look right before you go to bed?”
“You’ve seen me before I go to bed,” I reminded him of our numerous Facetime calls right before bedtime.
“You know what I mean. It’s different being here.” I did know what he meant. I just wanted to see him make that expression of exacerbation. It made me giggle. Once he realized I was messing with him, he poked my side making me laugh. “It means a lot that you want me to stay.”
There was that warm thump I felt in my chest whenever Knight was around. I still didn’t know exactly what it was but the more I was around him the more I liked the way it felt.
“I just realized, I don’t have any clothes over here. You mind if I run home and get some?”
“Of course not,” I beamed. “I’ll clean up my room because, to be honest, it’s a hot mess.”
“I can’t imagine your room being a mess. You keep this place spotless.” His lighthearted comment left a sour pang in my gut.
I kept the place spotless because I was alone. I didn’t have toys to pick up or shoes to put away several times a day. There were no Goldfish cracker crumbs under my couch or stray items hidden in my purse. No spots on the wall where I scrubbed with a Magic Eraser to get the crayon out. My house was empty without Kaiden.
Knight kissed my forehead and told me he’d be back before getting into his car and driving off. I didn’t waste any time calling Coco.
“Spending the night? Like the entire night? Like he’s going to wake up in your bed?” Her voice trembled with disbelief and excitement.
“Yes, Coco. What the hell have I gotten myself into?” I speared nervous fingers through my hair.
“You’re going to get some dick. How long has it been, Lumi? You forgot what it means when you invite a man to stay the night with you?”
“I don’t know,” I growled, frustrated. I wanted Knight to spend the night but now nerves were eating away at me, whittling me down to insecurities.
“Breathe, Lumi. How far away does Knight live?”
“About twenty minutes…why?”
“I’m coming over. I’ll be there in five minutes.” She ended the call and I exhaled. Maybe seeing Coco for a minute was the boost I needed.
She wasn’t lying about being at my house in five minutes. When I’d picked out the small single-family home, Coco and Mom both urged me to get something close to them so they could come over if I needed them. I knew what they really meant. They wanted to be able to get here fast enough if I decided to kill myself again. I didn’t blame them. It had to be scary for Coco to walk in and find me that way.
“Okay, you need to wear something cute to bed. Do you have boy shorts and a tank?” She walked into my room and looked through my drawers, pulling out things I only wore when I was completely alone.
“I can’t wear a tank top,” I stammered, shaking my head.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want him to see my scars.” I looked at the insides of my wrists at the raised light brown scars disappearing beneath my sleeves running up to the crook of my arms. Shame pinched my cheeks and scraped at the newly formed skin growing over my spiritual wounds.
Coco paused and sat at the foot of my bed. Her brown eyes were sympathetic and sad. “Oh, Lumi…I don’t think he’ll care about that. You haven’t told him what happened?”
“No. How do I tell him I hated myself so much that I wanted to die? How do I tell him that my life without Kaiden was such chaos that I had to end it all? Or at least try to.”
“That chapter is behind you now, right?”
How could I look at my best friend…my sister, and tell her that I still flirted with the idea of death sometimes. Even though I wasn’t in the same dark place as before, the pull to leap into blackness, into nothingness, it was strong as hell.
“Mostly,” I swallowed the thick knot swelling in my throat.
“Mostly? Lumi, I told you to find a psychologist to talk to.”
“You did. I haven’t had the time.” I shrugged and sat beside her on the bed.
“You haven’t had the time or you haven’t been willing to get out of the house beyond going to work?”
“Both,” I admitted quietly. Coco folded her arms tight across her chest and for a while her eyes were locked on a point on the wall directly across from us.
