Page 42 of Capacity
“You have to do this for yourself, Lumi. You need to talk to someone. You can’t keep dealing with so many heavy things by yourself. I know you have me and your mom and now you have Knight too but I think there are some things you’re still not dealing with.”
“I’m not trying to kill myself anymore, Coco. Isn’t that good enough?”
“No!” Her voice was a squeaky burst of frustration. “I’m sorry for shouting, Lumi but no, it’s not good enough that you’re not trying to kill yourself. I want to see you heal and thrive, girl. You’re on such a good path. I don’t want you to sink into depression again.”
I sat quietly and clasped my hands in my lap. I didn’t know what to say. My mouth was dry and my and my palms tingled.
“I promise I won’t try to kill myself again,” I told her finally.
“That’s not good enough. You’re my sister. I don’t want to see you retreat into yourself. I don’t want to watch you torture yourself every day and I damn sure don’t want to see you push people away like you did when you were in Texas.”
“Cora, I lost Kaiden. He’s gone. He’s never coming back and I have to live with it as long as I’m breathing. There’s no amount of therapy that can erase it. There’s nothing I can do to erase Kaiden and I don’t want to. If I have to be broken inside to hold on to my son then so be it.”
Coco tipped her head back and stared at the ceiling letting a soft dry chuckle tumble out of her mouth. “You can’t hold on to the pain forever. Kaiden’s life wasn’t steeped in pain so remembering him doesn’t have to be either. You’re tying pain and grief to him. You can let those things go and still have your son.”
“Ican’thave him. I won’t ever have him again and if you can’t understand that then I don’t know why we’re even having this talk.”
“Are you serious right now, Lumi? You don’t want to talk anymore because I don’t understand why you’re refusing to heal? I never told you to abandon Kaiden’s memory. I told you it didn’t have to be steeped in pain.”
“AndI’mtelling you thatyoudon’t understand! Your son is still living and breathing. He’s at home right now. Where is my son, Cora?” My voice burst from my chest heavy and trembling with agony.
“I know how much you’re hurting and I’m not telling you to stop I’m telling you to heal. I’ll never know how it feels to go through something as devastating as losing a child but don’t think you have the monopoly on grief, Lumi. You don’t.” She pressed her lips into a tight flat line before standing up.
“You know what, Cora? I think you should go. This entire conversation brought my energy way down.”
“Agreed. I need to leave before I say something I can’t take back.” With her purse on her arm, she walked out of the bedroom and down the steps. I stayed put because I was too pissed to see her off properly.
Why didn’t she understand that pain was a part of who I was now? Losing a child scars you forever. It’s a wound that never heals and can be ripped open at any time. Whenever I walk past the children’s clothes in the store my mind wanders to what size Kaiden would be now. I find myself walking down the toy aisle bumping into little boys around his age and dying inside when I see their parents smiling at them. I’m tortured every damn day I open my eyes because I don’t have my son anymore.
How could Coco not see that?
What good was therapy going to do? Could therapy bring Kaiden back? No. Nothing could bring him back and knowing that sliced into my chest piercing bone and marrow, turning muscles to ribbon. I was barely human without my baby.
This version of me walking, talking, working, dating…she was Frankenstein’s monster. Patched up and moving seemingly by divine intervention. I wasn’t supposed to even still be alive. I pushed on though and it still wasn’t enough according to the almighty Cora. I had to heal.
What if healing meant forgetting Kaiden though?
I shook the thoughts from my brain and they fell to the floor disappearing into the carpet. I put on an off the shoulder sweatshirt and a pair of leggings. Something comfortable that didn’t show my scars.
I got dressed in time for Knight to come back over. Slung over his shoulder was a messenger bag. He’d changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and he looked so laid back and relaxed. He was the opposite of how I felt.
“You okay, Lumi?” He quizzed, placing his bag on the floor in front of the couch. I shrugged my shoulders and wrapped my arms around myself in a hug.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
Knight gripped my hips and pulled my body against his. He kissed my forehead and gave me a squeeze. “You sure? I’m all ears. I don’t like seeing you look so upset.”
“Do I look upset?” I quizzed. I wasn’t used to having anyone besides Coco and Mom be so dialed in to how I looked and behaved.
“You do.” He squeezed my ass a little then touched my hair. “Let’s at least do something to bring your smile back since you’re not going to tell me what happened.” He took my hand, picked up his bag and led me upstairs to my room.
I loved the way he moved around from room to room like he was comfortable in my space simply because it was mine and he was comfortable with me. Butterfly wings beat in my stomach creating their own melody.
He sat on the bed and pulled me down beside him. “What’s the one thing you love more than anything in the world?” He asked, draping his muscled arm around my shoulders.
“Kaiden,” his name leaped from my mouth without a second thought.
Knight nodded and said, “Tell me about him.” Those four words set my memories on fire and they burned bright and vivid in my mind. I saw Kaiden’s little face so clearly. I saw his smile and heard his laugh. I smelled his baby powder and cocoa butter scented skin.
