Page 53 of Capacity
“So we can pour it out then. Together?” Her eyes softened and her shoulders relaxed. Something wouldn’t let me pour the whiskey out though. I rubbed the back of my neck and shook my head.
“I don’t need to throw it out because I’m not going to drink it.”
“Did that seriously make sense to you? Like, do you hear yourself speaking? Knight, you’re holding on to it for a just-in-case moment. You can’t keep this in here. You’re doing so well and…”
“It’s been here the entire time and I haven’t touched it. What is the point in pouring it out?”
“So you won’t be tempted. All it takes is one bad day and one justification for you to take that first drink. You’ve been sober for two months. You’ve proved that you can stay sober even with liquor in the house now…let’s get rid of it.” Her eyes pled with me but I remained cemented to my spot.
After a few awkwardly silent seconds went by, Lumi looked at the bottle then grabbed it, getting ready to break the seal and open it. If I hadn’t yanked it out of her hands she would’ve poured it all out.
I couldn’t explain why I didn’t want to empty the whiskey out but I needed it to stay in the cabinet where it was. I didn’t know if she was right or not but I knew I wasn’t pouring it out. I couldn’t. Not yet.
“I’ll pour it out when I’m ready. I’m capable of doing that myself. I don’t need you to mother me, Lumi.” I reached over her head and put the bottle back in the cabinet where it belonged.
“You don’t need me tomotheryou?” She asked, taking a step away from me. I felt her icy guard shooting a mile high into the space between us. In reality, we were only a few feet apart but it felt like worlds. “Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“Feels like it,” I shrugged, folding my arms across my chest to mirror her posture.
“I care about you and I don’t want you to throw your journey away because you had a weak moment.”
“If I have a weak moment, I can go out and buy liquor. Pouring this out doesn’t mean anything.”
“It does,” her voice trembled with conviction. “Going out to buy liquor requires a hell of a lot more steps than walking into your kitchen and cracking open the in-case-of-emergencies stash in your cabinet. By the time you get ready to go out, you’ve had time to think and dissuade yourself. Walking into the kitchen doesn’t give you that chance. It doesn’t give you the chance to call Terrance or me. It’s instant gratification and it’s not something you need.”
“I think I know what I need without you telling me.”
“I’m explaining how unhealthy this is while you’re trying to stay sober.” Even though her eyes were pleading with me, I couldn’t bring myself to pour it out. Something so small was spiraling out of control and I couldn’t reign it in.
Silence spilled into all the fissures created by our argument. We stood there staring at each other. Sapphire on Emerald. A war of gems and persistence.
“You’re really not going to pour it out?” She finally asked, her jaw set in defiance.
“No. I’m not. I don’t need to. You need to back off.”
“I need to back off? Okay. Perfect. I can do that.” She clipped my shoulder when she walked past me and into the bedroom. She began getting dressed at a furious pace, pulling on her leggings and tossing my shirt to the side. The sight of her tits bouncing as she searched for her bra made me momentarily forget our argument.
Once she pulled on her shirt, the spell was broken.
“I’m backing off,” she spat.
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Oh, it’s what you meant. You’re not as over the hump as you think you are, Knight.” She gave me one more look before walking out. I didn’t know how to make her stay. I refused to force her but I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted to explain to her that I didn’t need to throw the whiskey out. I was fine. I could toss it when I wanted to.
None of that would’ve made her stay though. She was pissed at me and I hated that she thought I wasn’t strong enough to fight alcoholism on my own. I hated that she thought I was weak enough to turn to drinking when things got too tough.
I shoved my fingers through my hair as I slammed the door shut. Frustration bubbled over, tensing my muscles and gripping my head. I needed to let it out or I would do something stupid.
I opened the cabinet and pulled down the whiskey. I stared at it for a long time. Prickles dotted my neck and forehead. My mouth was cotton and sand.
I would have given anything for a drink.
Anything.
I tore myself away from the bottle and got dressed. I had to get the fuck out of the house.
I sat in the car and called T. I needed to bounce things off of someone. Someone who understood.
