Page 56 of Capacity
“Dinner? Just me and you. I want to talk.” I pressed my ear to the phone so hard I thought I would end up inside of it.
“Yeah. I can do that. Andrew is working late.”
“Okay, cool.”
“Are we actually going outside the four walls of your house?”
Nerves bunched in my stomach, crashing into one another, piling up until they filled my esophagus. “You still there?” Coco asked after a long stretch of silence on my end. I swallowed down the relentless nerves.
“Um, yeah. Sure. Let’s go out,” I said.
“The Pour People? We don’t have to sit at the bar. We can get a booth since you wanna talk.”
“That’ll work. I’ll see you in a little while.” When I ended the call, I covered my face with my hands and groaned long and deep. I hated going out. She knew that. She made the suggestion on purpose. Now, I had to rise to the occasion and get over myself a-fucking-gain.
Whoever said forty-year-olds had their shit together was full of shit. I didn’t have my shit together. I didn’t know what together even looked like. You’d think I learned how to get over my ego and go with the flow but it was the hardest thing for me to do.
I went to my room and looked through my clothes. I wanted to feel pretty today since I spent the entire day avoiding Knight at work and I didn’t have his blue eyes on me making feel like a goddess. I had to make myself feel beautiful tonight and I was definitely going to impress myself.
Why not?
I took my bun down and let the long rope of twisted ebony strands fall to the small of my back then I began untwisting my hair to let it flow freely. I looked at my eyes in the mirror and saw my mother looking back at me.
I always thought she had the prettiest eyes in the world and even though people told me I was her spitting image, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see the love and beauty in my eyes the way I did in hers.
Now, I saw it.
I saw the light and beauty but more importantly, I finally saw the strength. Even though I bore the scars of weakness, I was strong.
I got dressed in a cream turtleneck and a cobalt blue skirt then I combed through my hair and put on deep plum lipstick and a few swipes of mascara on my long lashes. God, I wished I wasn’t fighting with Knight. For the first time in a long time, I felt beautiful all on my own and I wanted to share that magic with him. He was busy not realizing his alcoholic tendencies though. I couldn’t even talk to him until he at least understood where I was coming from.
I wondered if he would go to his AA meeting tonight? It was Monday after all. What if I saw him? The Pour People wasn’t far from The Mystic Crystal and since he was busy being in denial about his attachment to alcohol, it wasn’t a far stretch to think I’d see him in the bar.
I ran my hands over my clothes, headed downstairs and grabbed my coat. Hopefully, I could go out and have dinner with my sister without having to deal with my boyfriend.
Coco was seated in a small booth near the front doors of The Pour People so I saw her when I walked in. A small smile broke out on my face when our eyes met. I missed her.
“Hey,” I said hanging my coat on the hook attached to the booth.
“Hey, Lumi. I ordered you a glass of chardonnay.”
“Thanks.” I needed it after avoiding Knight all day. I busied myself with work and hung out with Zach for a while then dashed out of the building before I got called into the principal’s office.
“So what’s up?” She asked once I was settled and placed an order for mushroom Swiss flatbread.
I pulled in a deep breath and shoved my stupid pride down somewhere deep. “I want to apologize to you, Coco. I was being stubborn and I didn’t realize how stubborn I was being until I got into it with Knight yesterday.” I toyed with the artfully folded cloth napkin in front of me.
“You and Knight got into a fight?” She seemed more shocked by that than my apology.
“Yeah. I’ll tell you about it later but it showed me I was clinging to my toxic habits because they’re comfortable. Hurting over Kaiden is so familiar now.” I swallowed to ease the tightness in my throat. “I don’t know how to function if I’m not weighed down with grief, Coco. I feel like I’m abandoning my son if I enjoy life all the time.” I fought so damn hard to keep the tears at bay. They stung and burned like flames of emotion licking my eyes.
“Lumi…” Coco’s voice was soft and compassionate. “I never wanted you to abandon Kaiden. I’d never tell you to do that. He was your baby. He is still your baby. You can’t let go of that. You can let go of the pain little by little though. You might not ever let it go all the way but you can start to release.” She reached for my hand across the table and the tears broke through my defenses. Fat drops splashed on the back of my hand and Coco’s.
When I looked up, I saw tears shimmering in her eyes. “I don’t know how to actively let go of the pain.”
“This is a start. Going out in public, getting a job outside of the hospital, and moving into a new house…all those things are great. You need to talk to someone though, Lumi.” Her words burned me like the brush of a million pins scraping against my skin. I gave her hand a good squeeze before letting go and leaning back in my seat. Coco’s eyes traced my outfit then landed on my face. “You look really cute by the way.”
“Thanks. I finally feel pretty,” I allowed myself a little smile.
