Page 67 of Capacity
“Ms. Foster, I had no idea…” Mrs. Matthews stammered.
“Spare me the fake sympathy.” I turned to Mrs. Velmont and tried to soften the look in my eyes because she wasn’t the cause of my fury. “Mrs. Velmont, thank you for making this process easy. Please let me know when I can pick Zach up.” I walked to the front door and opened it.
Every bone in my body wanted to physically hoist Mrs. Matthews out the front door. I didn’t have enough leg power for that lift though.
“Ms. Foster, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for the conduct you’ve experienced today on behalf of Mrs. Matthews. It will never happen again.”
I nodded then thanked her again before purposefully closing the door the moment Mrs. Matthews’ foot hit the porch.
Bitch.
Once I was alone, I went to my room, walked to the back of the closet and pulled down the memory box that housed everything I refused to throw or give away. I sat on the floor, cross-legged and took the top off.
Inside was the first pregnancy test I took when I found out I was pregnant with Kaiden, the tiny pink and blue striped hat he wore home from the hospital, his first pair of booties, his first lost tooth, his first lock of hair, the onesie he wore home from the hospital, and the bracelet that they clasped around his little ankle.
So many beautiful reminders that he existed. That he was real.
Tears skated down my cheeks and dropped into the ornate box. In my silly mind, I wished things were like the movies. A single tear could bring back a loved one. I’d cry an ocean if I could get Kaiden back.
I put the top back on the box because the pain was too much. It was too heavy and suffocating. My shoulders shook from the silent tears I shed sitting on the closet floor. I cried until my eyes refused to produce more tears. My entire face was tight and swollen.
I hated how easy it was for me to slip back into a sea of grief. It felt like nothing would ever fully rid me of the black pain that seized my heart. Then I heard Coco’s words in my head telling me I needed to talk to someone. I needed help.
I had to reach out for it though. It wouldn’t walk into my house unannounced.
I scooped myself up off the floor and left the closet to sit on my bed. I searched through my texts until I found the list of doctors Coco recommended. I called each number and set up appointments for consultations to see which doctor fit me best then I sat my phone down. I didn’t see a way out of grieving for Kaiden. There was no reality where it would ever be okay but maybe I could hold off some of the grief by getting help.
I jumped a little when the phone rang. I saw the group home’s number and answered immediately.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Ms. Foster. This is Mrs. Matthews. I’m pleased to let you know all the paperwork went through and Mrs. Velmont cleared the inspection of your house. You’re free to pick up Zachary whenever you’d like.”
I almost couldn’t believe my ears. I blinked silently with the phone pinned to my ear. Was I finally getting to foster Zach?
“Seriously?” I asked slowly, waiting for the anvil to drop on my head like a Roadrunner cartoon.
“Yes, ma’am. I can have him get ready now if you’d like.” Her tone sure as hell changed.
“No, um…don’t let him know. I want it to be a surprise,” I stammered, hopping off the bed.
“Okay. We’ll see you when you arrive.” She had a fake smile in her voice that made me feel gross. I ended the call without another word to her and rushed down the steps to put on my shoes. I grabbed my purse then bolted out of the door. Before I hopped in the car, I made sure to glance at the aster flowers beside the porch.
Knight was right. Iwaslike them. I fought to get closer to the light no matter how much deadweight was on top of me. I only hoped I could help Zach do the same thing.
…
When I walked through the door of the Michael Richmond Group Home, I heard the noisy chatter of kids fighting over the TV remote along with the high-pitched beeping and dinging of some electronic game. I followed the signs pointing toward the director’s office and knocked on the door.
Mrs. Matthews smiled up at me from behind her desk as if she hadn’t just caused me to have a breakdown. “Ms. Foster, great to see you. Looks like you came bearing gifts.” She eyed the Target and Best Buy bags in my hands and I angled my body in front of them. I didn’t want her to see a thing I’d gotten for Zach. I couldn’t stand her ass.
“I’d like to go to his room and get him,” I said. I didn’t need her to tell me where Zach was. I knew him. He didn’t like being around people so he was in his room. Alone. The thought made my heart sad.
“Oh, of course, let me walk you.”
“Can you tell me where it’s at? Or have someone else escort me?” I didn’t want her privy to the private moment of happiness Zach would have once he saw me and I told him the news.
Mrs. Matthews swallowed back hard, shaking her second chin before nodding at my request. “His room is number fourteen. It’s up the stairs and to your right.”
