Page 72 of Capacity
She was right. I’d been burying myself at home. Deep down, I knew my fear of running into a kid who looked like Kaiden was illogical but it still made my heart pound. I wet my dry lips and shut my eyes.
“Okay, I’ll come over.” I pulled the phone away from my ear when she squealed loud enough to cause serious damage to my eardrum. “Would it be cool if I brought Zach? The foster papers went through and now we’re waiting for the adoption papers to be finalized.”
“Oh my god! Yes, bring my new nephew to the house. I think Luke has homeroom with him but regardless it’ll be good for them to hang out.”
“Yeah, Zach could use a friend his age. He stays to himself so much. Sometimes, I wonder what’s going through his head.” I stared at the open door to my house and sighed a little.
“Well, you could always set him up with a therapist. You know I’m a mental health advocate and that boy has been through so much heavy shit.”
“I agree. I was going to wait until I settled on a doctor I liked first.”
“Lumi, are you finally going to talk to someone?” The excitement and pride in her voice made me smile.
“I am. I’m tired of shouldering this pain. I’m tired of making it a part of me. I’m just…tired,” I admitted, holding my head down.
“It’s okay. You just have to learn to navigate this new normal.”
New normal. That’s exactly what I was living in. Nothing would ever be the way I remembered it when Kaiden was alive but this new normal…it was growing on me.
I spent a few more minutes on the phone with Coco then I went into the house where I found Zach sitting in the kitchen, pouring over homework already. “You still have homework, even though you’re basically there one full day a week?” I chuckled.
“Yeah, they’re not going to miss a moment to cram shit down my throat.” His brown eyes lifted to mine and he said, “So is your friend coming over?”
“We’re going to go to her house. I thought it would be good to get you out of the house.” I sat at the table with him and chuckled. “Listen to me. Trying to get someone else out of the house. I’m so full of it.”
“So you’re a homebody too?” He asked, a half-smile tilting his lips.
“I think it’s deeper than that. I can hide from the world in my house,” I admitted, staring at nothing in particular. “I don’t have to worry that I’ll see a kid that looks like my son. I don’t have to see families enjoying what was snatched away from me.” I flattened my lips into a line and looked at Zach.
“I never really thought about the fact that staying away from people is actually hiding from them.”
“When you go out of your way to avoid interaction…yeah.” I shrugged. “Would you be opposed to seeing a therapist? I’m looking for one for myself so I thought I’d ask.” I tried to frame the question so he didn’t withdraw into himself. He sat there wordless, contemplating my question for a few moments.
“At the group home, Mrs. Matthews had someone come in and talk to us one on one but I never benefitted. I might be willing if you set it up though. Even more willing if you went too.” His smile was still sad even though I knew he was happier.
“I’m willing.” I nodded, holding his hand.
“Then I’m willing too.”
…
It took no time at all for Luke and Zach to hit it off and disappear away from the boring adults. “Where is he going?” I asked Coco when I heard her front door close.
“To the store. Calm down,” she chuckled. She showed me a text on her phone from Luke. It made me check my phone too. Sure enough, Zach sent me a text telling me he was going to the store with Luke.
“Now, let’s focus on you. What’s up?” She rested her chin on her fist and looked at me with big brown eyes. I steadied my breathing and shut my eyes to gather the words.
“I think I’m in love with Knight.” I waited for the exclaim from Coco with my eyes still shut but it never came. When I looked at her, she was still sitting there with an unmoved expression. “Did you hear me?”
“I heard you, girl. I’m just wondering what this big revelation you had was. You said you needed girl time right away and I just knew you were going to tell me you and Knight eloped or something. Anyone with eyes can see you two are in love.”
“Wait…what?” I said, shaking my head. “You can tell I’m in love? How!” My voice came out squeaky.
“Oh my god, even when you were mad at him you were still so damn smitten. Besides, you wouldn’t take the time to get upset with him if you didn’t love him. You don’t let a lot of people in, Lumi. I’m happy for you guys but I thought you already were at the love stage.”
“No. We’re not. Neither of us has said it and…” My face scrunched into a frown. “Wait, did you say you could tellwewere in love with each other?”
“Yup.” She cracked into a bottle of water and took a drink.
