Page 77 of Capacity
He emailed me and asked me to reshoot the pictures of him sitting beside his wife’s bed. Instead, he wanted to lie beside her and kiss the top of her head. I didn’t mind because a set of pictures like that would mean the world to him once the love of his life was gone.
“I know it’s probably a pain in the ass for you to come out here and take these again but I didn’t want to remember sitting by her bed. I wanted to remember the way we laid beside each other for thirty years.”
“It’s not a problem. I want to get everything right for you two. You’re my first clients and this means a lot to me. It’s not just a job.” I hoped they felt the sincerity pouring from me.
After I set everything up, I took dozens of pictures of them in bed holding each other. Her head on his chest and his lips pressed against the smooth skin of her head. The hospital bed, oxygen tubes, and bottles of medicine clustered in groups on the side of the bed fell away when I looked at them from behind the lens.
The only thing that jumped out at me was the love between two souls. It was pure and it shone like blue water on a sunny day. I stopped shooting for a moment to admire the way they loved each other. I hoped Hazel felt that much love from me before she died. I hoped she knew what she meant to me.
“I think we’re good,” I said, pulling away from the camera. You can take a look…” I handed them both my iPad and watched their faces as they scrolled through the pictures. I snuck in a few candid shots of them with their heads together smiling. I’d frame them and give them to Mr. Wells after the funeral free of charge.
“They’re perfect, Knight. Thank you so much.” Tears swam in Mrs. Wells’ eyes.
“Thankyoufor giving me the chance.” I packed away my camera and tripod then stood at the foot of the bed. “I’ll get the pictures to you in a few days. I want you guys to be able to enjoy them.” I knew how uncertain every moment was when someone was in hospice care. I wanted her to see the pictures before time ran out.
When another coughing fit took hold of Mrs. Wells, her husband shot to his feet and handed her the cup of water at her side. “Thank you, honey. Can you grab me one of those butterscotch candies?” Without a word, he was on his feet and heading out of the room. The second he was gone she looked up at me and smiled. “Can you get a few shots of Ron by himself? Good ones with great lighting.”
“Oh, of course,” I chuckled at her enthusiasm. “Is it a surprise?”
“Something like that. I want him to use the pictures after I’m gone to put up on a dating site or something. Whatever everyone is doing now. Is it a dating app that they use?”
“A little of both,” I laughed. “You want him to start dating?”
“I do. I told him that. It took a while for the idea to sink in but once I started hospice care, I think he took it seriously. I want him to be happy. There’s a time for grieving and a time for smiling. There’s a time for everything to start and a time for everything to end. Just because my life is ending doesn’t mean his has to.” A lone tear rolled down her face and it was the first time I saw her show true emotion about the grave situation surrounding her and her husband.
It rubbed against the raw part of my heart that still held on to Hazel’s battle with cancer.
“Once I’m gone, I want him to find someone who makes him happy again. I want him to find someone who’s not like me. Someone he can love and who can love him because he deserves it.” She glanced at the ceiling and paused a beat. I heard the shuffling of feet above and I figured Mr. Wells would be on his way down shortly.
“You want him to find someone else?” I couldn’t understand it. Her strength and clarity were out of this fucking world. \
“I do. I’m not the end all be all and our love is our love. Nothing and nobody else can alter that. It’s not offensive to me. I don’t feel betrayed when I think of it. Plus, Ron means more to me than my ego. What good would it be to get worked up over something I have no control over? If I tell him to always stay true to me, I’m being selfish. I want him to live. After all, isn’t that what life is for? I won’t have the luxury soon. He will and he should experience life even after I can’t.”
My eyes stung with emotions listening to her sage words. They knifed into my heart and cracked it open exposing all my pain and sorrow. I tried to sweep everything under the rug and focus on my iPad, but Mrs. Wells saw through my front.
“What’s bothering you, Knight? I hope you’re not crying for me.” She said it as if such a thing would be ridiculous when in fact, it wouldn’t. Crying over the impending death of someone with such a beautiful spirit wasn’t ridiculous. It was human. I knew I’d shed a tear over her passing but the sadness hadn’t hit yet.
“I uh…” I rubbed the tip of my nose with my fist and forced my eyes to hers. “I’m having a hard time letting go of my wife to move forward in my new relationship.”
“You always hide these damn things,” Mr. Wells said from behind me. I turned around to see him with a handful of candies and a scowl. I laughed a little when he handed the butterscotch to his wife.
“You always know where to look though.”
“Knight, did I hear you talking about not being able to move on?” He sat in the chair beside Mrs. Wells and rubbed the back of her hand.
“Yeah. I’ve been in a relationship for three months tomorrow. I’m in love with her but I can’t bring myself to say it. I can’t let go of my wife. It feels like a betrayal.” I pushed my fingers through my hair and sighed. If I couldn’t be open and honest with people who were in a boat similar to mine, who could I be honest with? I learned that lesson in AA.
“Betrayal?” Mr. Wells nodded then looked at me. “Did you and your wife talk about what would happen after she died?”
“We talked about her finances and how things would be once she was gone but we didn’t talk about me dating. I couldn’t fathom it at the time,” I replied.
“I couldn’t either,” Mr. Wells muttered, looking down at where his hand grasped his wife’s. “Thinking about loving anyone besides Penelope still bothers me.” His dark brows crashed together. “We’ve talked about it enough for me to understand that it’s necessary. If I don’t at least try to move on, I’ll grieve longer than I need to.”
“How do you know when it’s time to stop grieving? It feels like a never-ending road.” Knots tied themselves across my shoulders and down my back. I’d give anything to fall into bed with Lumi and have her rub all the tension away.
“You’ll know it’s time to stop grieving when your grief takes you outside of who you are. When grief has stayed too long it turns into destruction…usually self-destruction.” Mrs. Wells’ words hit me so hard the breath evaporated from my lungs. I opened my mouth then closed it again with nothing to say.
“If you found a girl that you care about you shouldn’t waste a second of time. Let her know, Knight. You know time is fleeting. If you’re in love, why waste another minute holding it in? Your wife would want you to be happy.” Mr. Wells gave me a smile then stood to his feet. I was still far too shaken by what they’d both said to me to move.
